(My family and I are on vacation in November. We realize that we have neglected to pack sunscreen, so we stop in a discount store for some, but we’re having trouble finding it. I flag down a nearby employee.)
Me: “Excuse me, could you tell me where the sunscreen is?”
Employee: “I’m not sure if we still have any. That’s a seasonal item.”
Me: “But… we’re in Miami!”
(We haven’t been to the cinema for years mainly due to the high prices; however, our daughter is old enough to sit through a film and a family movie is airing and we decide to go. We have paid for our tickets and are browsing the concession stand.)
Worker: “Can I help you?”
Me: “Just these sweets, please.”
Worker: “Can I interest you in some popcorn?”
Me: “One small sweet, please.”
Worker: “We have some great deals on at the moment.”
Me: “No, thanks.”
Worker: *enthusiastically* “If you buy a drink and some popcorn, it’s a special deal. Hot food, popcorn, and a drink has even more savings!”
Me: “Just the popcorn and sweets, thanks.”
Worker: “Are you sure? You will miss out on the great savings.”
Me: “Uh, fine, I’ll bite. How much do I save?”
Worker: “Well a drink and a popcorn is £6.99.”
Me: “Hang on, how much do I save?”
Worker: “I, err, well…” *working it out* “5p!”
Me: “No, thanks, I think we will pass.”
Worker: “Are you sure?”
(We didn’t take the “great” savings in the end, despite him trying to sell it like the deal of the century.)
(I recently had a cyst in a very intimate place get infected and had to get antibiotics to treat it. Note that I also work in this particular pharmacy and all of us can be a little bit quirky about some things. This conversation happens when I go to pick up the antibiotic and my coworker asks me if I’ll be calling out of work for illness.)
Me: “Oh, no, I just got a cyst that’s infected.”
Coworker: *eyes light up* “Oh! If you go somewhere to get it popped, can you have them record it? I love watching the pus come out!”
Me: “Umm, it’s in a place you wouldn’t want to see.”
Coworker: “Oh.” *pause* “Just blur that part out!”
Me: “That IS the part!”
(I am currently working as an accounts assistant for a housing association, in an office based in the business park west of the city. As I am not happy in my current workplace, I recently updated my CV to include my most recent work and sent it to some job agencies to see what else is available at the moment. One of them calls back.)
Agency: “Hi there, I am [Name] from [Job Agency]. I have had a look at your CV and have found a job I think you will be well suited for. Is now a good time to talk?”
Me: “Yes, sure, that’s fine. What is the role?”
Agency: “The role is working as an assistant in the accounts department for a local company where you will be…” *the agency worker starts listing almost everything I am already doing in my current role*
Me: “That sounds great and pretty much what I have been doing for the past few months anyway. Which company is it?”
Agency: “It is with one of the local housing associations. The only slight issue is they are based in [Business Park west of the city] and I know it can be a bit of a trek for some people. Is this something you would like to put me to put you forward for?”
Me: “Um… possibly. Can I just check though – is this with [Company I am currently working for]?”
Agency: “Yes! Sounds like you already know the area.”
Me: “Yeah… you have just offered me the chance to apply for my own job.”
(I have Asperger’s and am known to be highly sarcastic and very blunt about things. One way of coping with this is turning everything I say into a joke, something my office has embraced and loves. On a phone call with a customer about licensing cost. Note, I’m a developer and RARELY talk to customers at all.)
Customer: “Look, $300 a year is just too expensive. There’s no way we’re going to pay that when your app is already free.”
Me: “Okay, sir. You’re right, the app is free, and we’ll keep it that way just for you. However, since you’re refusing to pay the license fee, I’m afraid I’m going to have to check with the bosses, but I think I can get you to just pay the $25 a month data maintenance fee.”
Customer: “YES! THAT SOUNDS AMAZING! We’ll totally take that if you can.”
(After hanging up.)
Sales Representative: “So… what’s $25 a month add up to?”
Me: “$300. Guy’s a freaking moron.”
