(I work in a large research laboratory. Coworker #1 is more than a little socially awkward and has that reputation around the laboratory. I and Coworker #2 have just had a set-back on our research in a disease that we are both very passionate about making strides on, and it’s a project that our boss is really pushing. Coworker #2 is feeling somewhat discouraged and I’m trying to comfort him. Coworker #2 and I are also known for being extremely close, both personally and professionally.)

Me: “It’s okay. It doesn’t always work out. We knew that when we became research scientists.”

Coworker #2: “I know. I’m just not feeling optimistic about this right now. Besides, [Boss] is going to ticked, and now we can’t even meet the publication due date he wanted us to.”

(This is when Coworker #1 walks into our lab.)

Me: “Don’t worry. We’ve got months before the due date. We’ll think of something.”

Coworker #1: “Oh, my goodness! You guys are having a baby! That’s so exciting! I didn’t know you were… you know… with each other. Oh, I’m so excited that you’re having a baby!”

(We both stare at Coworker #1 for a bit.)

Coworker #2: “Yes. That’s exactly it. [My Name], the single, virgin, Mormon girl, and [His Name], the gay man, are having a baby together.”

Coworker #3: *who is doing their own work on another bench* “Well, we are scientists. We could make it happen if you wanted.”

(Our college campus has two identical hot drinks machines on site and I decide to use the closest one today. I put my money in and the following happens:)

Me: “Hi, this machine doesn’t have a tea button.”

Server: “Oh, you get a tea bag off us for 20p and put 80p in the machine.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I refund my money but don’t get the full £1 back, only 60p.)

Me: “Excuse me; the machine only gave me 60p back and I put a pound in.”

Server: “That’s because the tea is 80p for the hot water and 20p to me for a tea bag.”

Me: “I know it’s that price, but the machine didn’t give me back all my money.”

Server: “I know. That’s because it’s 80p you have to put in the machine.”

Me: “I KNOW! I put £1 in and didn’t get it all back, I only got 60p.”

Server: “But that’s because the water is 80p.”

College Mate: “For god’s sake, listen! She put £1 in and got 60p back. She’s short 40p. Why are you not understanding this?!”

(She gave me the £1 back and I still had the 60p, which I returned. I had to hand her the £1 back and get my tea bag and 80p change. My tea wasn’t very good either.)

(I am in the QA department, listening to calls to ensure our agents provide excellent service, when I listen to this winner of a call:)

Representative: “May I have you provide the three digits located on the signature panel of your card?”

Member: “Is that on the back?”

Representative: “…”

Member: “Is that on the back?”

Representative: “I’m sorry I can only read the security question to you.”

Member: “That is fine; I just want to know where it is located.”

Representative: “The signature panel of your card.”

Member: “Is that on the back?”

Representative: “…”

Member: “Ma’am?”

Representative: “I can’t disclose that.”

(I am checking out at the grocery store. The cashier scans most of my items, but leaves a few sitting out, and makes a call on the intercom:)

Cashier: “Seven on three. Seven on three.”

(I wait for a while as she stands, tapping her feet. I wonder why she doesn’t complete my transaction. Then I take a harder look at the groceries she didn’t ring up.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Ginger beer is non-alcoholic.”

(She turns beet red and scans the soda..)

Me: “When my brother-in-law was a kid, he got into an argument with the 7-11 cashier. She kept saying, ‘Beer from root! Beer from root!'”

(My mom and I decide to go to a chain famous for their Tex-Mex food. Recently they’ve resorted to using touchpads for ordering. They don’t work 70% of the time.)

Mom: “Excuse me, sir, this isn’t letting me pay.” *she taps on the screen*

Me: “What’s the point if they never work?”

Waiter: “You can break it if you want to. It’s trying to take my job.”