Lowest Common Denominator: Found

, , , | Working | March 20, 2009

(This exchange happened between two coworkers.)

Waitress: “I need a fourth of a chicken to go, please.”

Cook: “Okay, a quarter chicken it is!”

Waitress: “NO! I ASKED FOR A FOURTH!”

Cook: “A quarter and a fourth are the same thing.”

Waitress: “Oh… is there another word for a half?”

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T-Minus Five Seconds Until YouTube

, | Working | June 24, 2008

(A student needed a stack of VHS tapes converted to DVD. The first couple of tapes were nothing special but the third looked like the camera had been set up in a hotel room. The three of us working in the lab were wondering if it was even her tape until we saw the student sit down on the bed. Then she laid back. Then someone else stepped into the frame and started taking off her shirt. I ran to the phone to call the student while a crowd gathered in front of the computer.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] from the lab. We’re working on your tapes right now but we’re not quite sure about one of them.”

Student: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, one of them seems like it might have slipped into the stack accidentally.”

Student: “One of mine? Wha–OH MY GOD! The sex tape?!”

Me: “That’s what it looks like.”

Student: “Oh my god! Just box it up and hide it. I’ll be right down to pick it up!”

Me: “I’ll pull it right away.”

Student: “Please, don’t let anyone else watch it!”

(People cheer excitedly in the back of the lab.)

Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am. I’ve already shut it off.”

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The Early Bird Counts Its Chickens In The Bush

, , , | Working | June 13, 2008

(My boss spent 35 years in the Army, and it shows. He is famous for quoting motivational posters.)

Boss: *to camper* “I understand your concern, ma’am, but sometimes you have to crawl before you can walk.”

Camper: “I just wanted to transfer campsites.”

Boss: “Understood. But sometimes it takes a village, right?”

Camper: *to me* “Can I speak with someone who isn’t on crack?”

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