(My mother and I go out to eat at a popular, kinda high-end but not really fancy, restaurant. It is fairly early so we are seated quickly. We wait over forty minutes before we even have a waitress come over. We get a waitress with her arms folded over her chest, her hip popped out, and a heavy sigh.)

Waitress: “Hi, I’m [Waitress] and I’m your waitress. What do you want to drink?”

(I am appalled but say nothing. I don’t like to yell at service people because I’ve been there and done that. We give her our drinks order and since we have been waiting so long we already know what we want to eat.)

Me: “Could we please place our food order now? We know what we want already.”

(She makes that “ugh” noise that people make when they get annoyed.)

Waitress: “You’re going to have to wait until I get a pad and pen.”

(She stalks off without saying anything else. I can see the little server kiosk area from our table. She stands there for around ten minutes texting and laughing at her phone, before finally getting our drinks. She sets them on a tray and sets it down while she goes back to texting while other servers try to maneuver around her to put their tables’ orders through.)

Mom: “I’m going to find a manager!”

(I stop her, wanting to see where this goes. After another fifteen minutes, the waitress finally brings our drinks.)

Me: *trying to be as polite as I can manage* “Are you ready to take our food order now, miss?”

(She rolled her eyes but removed the pen and pad from her apron and just stared at me expectantly. I bit my tongue and we gave her our order. Half an hour went by of her being on her phone before our order got typed through. After an hour we finally got our food and the rest of the meal went on just as it had. She rolled her eyes when we asked her for refills, after physically having to flag her down as she was not doing table checks, and she just had a general snooty attitude. We finished and after another twenty minutes of waiting she brought the check and went on with whatever she was doing. I opened the check and had to bite my tongue to keep from cussing this girl out. She wrote in a THIRTY DOLLAR (NOT percent. DOLLAR) tip for herself.  Internally, I cussed the skin off her face. Externally, I asked to see a manager. He was just as appalled as we were by her behavior and audacity of writing in her own tip. We were given our meal at half price and as far I know, the waitress never even made it to the end of her shift.)

(I board a train at Clapham Junction going out of London.)

Conductor: “Hello, lovely people joining us at Clapham Junction. Just to let you know, there is no first class on this train. No income tax. No VAT.”

Conductor: “We are now approaching Wimbledon. Can I ask that you take all of you rubbish with you? Unfortunately, there are no Wombles to clean up after you.”

Conductor: *in the voice of The Professor from ‘Futurama’* “Good news, everyone! We’ve now passed the late running train ahead of us so should be able to make up some time. Once again, apologies for the late running of this service.”

(My mom and I go through a fast food drive-thru, and as it is my turn to pay, I pass the money to Mom, who in turn passes it to the cashier. Now, it happens that I am a little tight on funds, and only have a couple dollar bills and a $20, and I want $10 back. It is kind of a weird amount and a normal person would have used a $5 instead of a $20, but I don’t have that. She hands me back my change, for the $5 instead of the $20.)

Me: “Excuse me, but I gave you a $20.You gave me the wrong change.”

(She immediately gets very defensive and assumes I’m lying.)

Cashier: “No, you didn’t. You handed me a $5.”

Me: “Sorry, but I’m absolutely positive I did, because I only had the $20, and I need the $10 back.”

(At this point my mom, who had passed the money over, is trying to help.)

Mom: “No, [My Name], you gave her a $5” *thanks, Mom!*

Me: “I didn’t HAVE a $5! I only had a $20! Please check your drawer. The $20 will be on top of the 5s.”

(This goes on for several minutes, Mom and the cashier insisting I handed her a $5, with Mom obviously thinking I am mistaken, and cashier just as positive I am a scammer, while I insist she either check the $5 slot in her drawer or call a manager. I am not a good liar, and tend to get seriously indignant when I am accused, so I am becoming very angry at this point. Being broke enough that the $10 difference is very dear to me isn’t helping, either.)

Cashier: “IF she has to call the manager over, he WILL count out the entire drawer, and press charges WHEN I am proven wrong.”

Me: “That’s fine. But before you call the manager, just open the drawer, and look in the $5 slot.”

Cashier: “FINE!”

(She angrily key open the drawer, looks at the $5s and shock passes over her face. Of course, sitting right on top, where I told her she’d mistakenly put it is my $20 bill.)

Cashier: “H-how did you do that?” *she actually stammered it out, and gets me my correct change*

Me: “Maybe next time you’ll at least check before you straight up call someone a liar!”

(As she’s driving away, my mom turns to me, with an equal look of shock.)

Mom: “How on Earth did you know it was in the $5 slot?”

(My coworkers and I have been discussing the French language. I speak it reasonably well; they, not at all.)

Coworker #1: “What’s that French song, parlez-vous français or something?”

Me: “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi”?

Coworker #1: “Yeah, that’s the one.”

Coworker #2: “What does that mean?”

Me: *pause* “Would you like to sleep with me?”

(There are some things I never thought I’d wind up saying at work.)

(I work at a small studio. Our teleprompter program stopped working unexpectedly and I call the manufacturer about troubleshooting.)

Employee: “Okay, what kind of laptop is the program running from?”

Me: “It’s a desktop. Brand—”

Employee: “There’s your problem. Desktops don’t have the parts for this program.”

Me: “What?”

Employee: “You need a laptop.”

Me: “No, I don’t. This desktop was custom built to handle the software and everything else we’re using. This is why it was weird when it randomly stopped working.”

Employee: “You need a new graphics card. Desktops don’t have the right kind of graphics card.”

Me: “This program was literally working two days ago. On the same computer. We have not made a single update to any of our equipment. Now why would it not be working all of a sudden?”

Employee: “You need a graphics card or a laptop.”

Me: “I’m done. Bye.” *hangs up*