(My sister and I have gone out for breakfast on a rare coinciding day off; it’s a very popular restaurant and we’re in high spirits at having gotten a table.)

Server: “Good morning! How are you doing?”

Me: “Oh, just fine. How about you?”

Server: “Well, they haven’t found the bodies yet, so everything is going according to plan!”

Sister: *laughing*  “Well, you can’t beat that.”

Server: “Just don’t order the veal…”

(I am sitting at a table, eating a burger, when…)

Kitchen: *CRASH*

Kitchen: *BANG*

Kitchen: *Wilhelm Scream*

Kitchen: *tinkle tinkle*

Manager: *over the intercom* “Attention diners: if you know anyone in need of a job, we are now hiring.”

(After winning €50 on a lottery scratch card, I go to the newsagent’s to cash it in and buy a new €10 ticket.)

Me: “Hi, I’d like a [€10 ticket], please. And could you also pay out this one?”

(The cashier hands me a new ticket, takes my winning ticket, and looks at it in a rather annoyed way.)

Cashier: *in a quite pedantic tone* “You know, you really should scratch it more thoroughly so the QR code is completely uncovered; otherwise it’s too much work for me.”

Me: *surprised* “Oh, since when has the system changed? I thought all you needed was the 4-digit number in the corner, so I always make sure that’s fully visible.”

Cashier: *annoyed* “Yeah, well, they changed the system earlier this week and they came to install this stupid new computer terminal, without as much as a word of warning. So yeah, now we need to scan the QR code on each ticket.”

Me: “Okay, that’s good to know; I’ll bear it in mind for next time.”

(The cashier scans my winning ticket’s QR code, and the message “winning ticket: €50” pops up on the terminal’s screen.)

Cashier: *hesitates, looks at the winning ticket, then at the new ticket he’d just handed me, and then starts typing numbers into the cash register* “Right, minus the €10 for your new ticket, I owe you €28.”

Me: “Ehm, no… that would be €40. I won €50, the new ticket costs €10.

Cashier: *now obviously annoyed* “No, I don’t think so! It says €28 on the cash register. The register is always right!” *tries to hand me €28*

Me: “I’m quite sure it’s €40. Could you check my winning ticket again?”

Cashier: “No, I won’t! I never buy lottery tickets! I don’t know how any of that works! My register says your change is €28 so that’s what you’re getting! The register doesn’t make mistakes!” *slams down the money on the counter*

(At this moment, the next customer in line, who had clearly seen the “winning ticket: €50” message on the terminal’s screen, decides to speak up on my behalf:)

Customer: *to the cashier* “I’m sure this gentleman is right. I just saw him win €50!”

Cashier:  “Stay out of this!” *turns back to me* “Right, if money is obviously sooooo important to you, here’s your stinking two euros!”

(He grabs four 50ct coins from the till and slams them down on the counter, bringing the total change to €30.)

Me: *doing my best to remain icy calm* “Actually, you still owe me €10.”

Cashier: “Oh, really!? You know what?” *taking two €5 notes from the till, and throwing them on the counter* “Take it all! Take MY money! I hope you’re happy now! In fact, why don’t you go spend MY money right now? Buy a burger, why don’t you… and choke on it!”

Me: *walking to the exit with my €40* “Thanks for the tip, and pleasure doing business with you.”

(Although somehow I doubt I’ll go back there…)

(I’m young and live with my parents. I’m at home when the phone rings, and I see that the call is coming from a popular company that helps seniors who are at risk of falling down. I know my father has been looking for similar services for my grandmother, so I answer.)

Caller: “Hello, this [Company]. Am I speaking to [Mother]?”

Me: “No, I’m her daughter.”

Caller: “Is your mother available?”

Me: “I can go check; hold on a moment.”

(I know my mother is asleep at this time, but there’s a slight chance that she might wake up and speak with this woman. I shake her gently and she shoos me away.)

Me: “Mom, somebody from [Company] wants to talk to you.”

Mother: “Tell her… tell her dad bought the thing.”

(I can tell that my mother is talking in her sleep and isn’t going to wake up for this.)

Me: “I’m sorry; she’s not exactly available…”

Caller: *in a suddenly rude tone* “Well, obviously she is! I heard every word she said and you could have just told me that yourself.” *hangs up*

(I talked to my dad later that night and we apparently have no involvement with that company. He’d actually signed up with their competitor the day before. I hope they found my mom’s sleep talking very useful.)

(A package of clothes I’ve ordered online was supposed to be delivered a few days earlier, but I never received it. I contact the clothing company. They contact the delivery company, who starts their investigation to try to find the package. The delivery company contacts me two days later to inform me they can’t find it and are closing the investigation, and I should contact the seller to inform them and go with their next steps.)

Me: *after giving the incident number to the customer service rep* “I was just contacted by [Shipping Company] who completed their investigation but couldn’t find the package. What do I need to do next?”

Customer Service: “It’s only been two days since the investigation began. The investigation takes 15 days. You’ll hear from [Shipping Company] when they complete the investigation.”

Me: “Sorry, I think I was unclear. [Shipping Company] already contacted me. They completed their investigation and have now closed the investigation. They couldn’t find the package and told me to contact you.”

Customer Service: “It’s only been two days. [Shipping Company] will contact you after 15 days to let you know the results of their investigation.”

Me: “[Shipping Company] already contacted me to let me know the results of their investigation. The closed the investigation already.”

Customer Service: “You will have to wait the 15 days for [Shipping Company] to complete their investigation. They will call you when they are done. Then you can give us a call again and we can move forward.”

Me: *weeps*

(I gave up and contacted them again on day 15. I asked for them to resend the clothes, but they just refunded me. Sigh. Good enough, I guess.)