(I’m working for a tourist information where I am head of the group activities. One day, a customer from Belgium who comes back every year with her school asks me for a tour in one of our museums. They are only here for one day and will visit two museums and have a guided walk for the students. The museum of their choice is closed that particular day so I decided to e-mail another one.  In the mail I write about the school-classes from Belgium who are in town for one day and requests a guided tour for approximately 90 students. The answer I get back:)

Reply: “Thank you for your request. Wow, 90 students is a lot… All of our guides are university students and I’m not sure if I can have enough guides for that amount. It is better if we split the group and have them visit us in three groups spread over three days. Can you ask if the group can stay three days instead of one?”

Me: *head on desk*

(So I just recently started working at a store. I’ve only been working a few days when a couple comes up and has condoms. I forget to put them in with their other items.)

Me: “Oh, darn. I forgot to bag their condoms.”

Coworker: “You just ruined their night, man.” *a few months later I see the same couple*

Me: “Hey, you remember that couple that I forgot the condoms for? I just saw them…”

Coworker: “Was the girl pregnant?”

(I’m on the phone to my trash collection folks.)

Me: “I am now so disabled that I can’t get the trash cans to the curb. I’ll be able to do that again when I get my hip replacement in June. In the meantime, could your guys get them from the garage and return them there? I’d be glad to pay.”

Representative: “Why, certainly! This is the cost, and you’ll need to sign a form saying they may go on your property. I’ll email it to you.”

Me: *calling back after I get the form* “This form gives permission for you to drive the trash truck onto my property. I just want the guys to walk a few steps to get the containers.”

Representative: “It’s the same thing.”

Me: “No, the form clearly says the weight of the truck will damage my driveway. I can rewrite it so it’s correct, if your legal department won’t care.”

Representative: “Um… let me check something…”

(Hold music.)

Representative: “Oh, you don’t have to sign a form after all. You’ve given us verbal permission to walk up the driveway for the trash cans. Thank you!”

(I buy a used vehicle and start shopping for insurance, as the law in my state requires I have insurance in order to register or drive the vehicle. I put in an online request for a quote from three different companies. I hear back from two, never hear from the third, and ultimately go with the first. A month later, the third company calls me.)

Agent: “Hi, I see you’ve put in a request for an insurance quote.”

Me: “Well, yes, but I already bought insurance.”

Agent: “What? You didn’t even get our quote yet!”

Me: “It’s been a month. I had to have insurance. I’m sorry.”

Agent: “Well, thank you for WASTING MY TIME!”

(I am following the host to our table when he comments on my height.)

Host: “You are a tall dude. Are you 7′? 7’1″?”

Me: “6’8″… but thanks for the exaggeration!”

Host: “Oh! Well you are welcome for the five inches!”

Me: *speechless*

(He is a really fun guy and there is probably some flirting going on. We turn it back around on him when we ask if the dessert we are considering splitting is “bigger or smaller than 5 inches.”)

Host: “This… is a family restaurant. I can’t respond how I want to!”

Friend: “We are sharing it; we just want to make sure it’s big enough to satisfy two of us.”

Host: “Oh… it definitely is!”