(This was within the first week of working as an events specialist; I’m supposed to draw customers’ attention to the product.)

Me: *grinning* “Welcome to McDonald’s!”

(Customer started staring and I realized what I said.)

Me: “No, wait. I mean [insert spiel]!”

(I have never worked at McDonald’s in my entire life.)

(My mother is not the most tech savvy person, so she usually comes to me with her phone problems. The other day she told me her phone kept dying despite charging it all the time. I figured it was either the charger, the port on the phone, or the battery itself, so on Sunday afternoon we take it to the local phone store. To start, the store is completely empty. We stand at the counter and notice the backroom door open. My mom takes a peek inside before someone finally runs out wearing a football jersey and asks how he can help us. I explain the phone situation and ask what he thinks the problem is. He takes the phone into the backroom and reappears ten minutes later.)

Jersey: “It’s a roaming issue.”

Me: “Roaming issue?”

Jersey: “Yeah, if the phone thinks you’re roaming it sometimes does that.”

Me: “You mean to tell me that because of my geographical location, the phone won’t charge correctly?”

Jersey: “Yeah.”

Me: “Are you sure it’s not the battery, or the charger, or something?”

Jersey: “Nope, it’s a roaming issue.”

(At this point there is cheering from the backroom and the employee becomes noticeably agitated and fidgety.)

Me: “Okay, I’ll just turn the roaming off.”

(As soon as we left, the employee ran into the back room. We called tech support and learned it was just the battery and a replacement was sent. I recommended a replacement for their store manager as well.)

(I’m the employee in this story. I work in the floral department of a large grocery store. It’s closing time and the end of my shift, so I’m a little slap-happy. There’s a group of three customers browsing my department and one of them picks out some flowers and brings them to me to wrap. While I’m helping her, her friends are goofing around with various stuff around the department and generally being silly and trying to get a reaction out of her while she rolls her eyes and ignores them. One of them comes over with a tiny plush hamster and shoves it in her face.)

Friend #1: *in a squeaky voice* “Hi! How are you? What’s going on?”

Customer: “I don’t know these people.”

Friend #2: “Hey, do you have any tape so I can tape this balloon to my chest?”

Me: “You have to buy it if you want to wear it.”

Friend #1: *still messing with the hamster* “Hiii!”

(He gives up and sets it down on the counter. I finish wrapping the flowers and pick up the hamster.)

Me: *in the same squeaky voice* “Life is meaningless!”

(All three customers stare at me like I’ve grown a second head and then burst out laughing.)

Customer: “Oh, my god! You have to come with us. We’re going to get cocktails after this. You have to come. You’re getting off right now, right?”

Me: “I am, but I have to go home. I open tomorrow.”

Customer: “Just for a beer! Come on, giiiirl!”

(I laugh and refuse again, and they thank me for helping them and don’t press the matter, but thank you, awesome customers, for laughing at my weirdness instead of complaining to a manager!)

(I work at a courtesy desk for a grocery store. It’s the day before Halloween and we ran out of pumpkins. We got calls and questions all day asking if we had pumpkins for sale. After work, I decide to call the courtesy desk to mess with my coworker.)

Coworker: *picks up phone* “[Location] [Store]. [Coworker] speaking.”

Me: “Yes, do you guys sell pumpkins?”

Coworker:” No, we don’t sell them, [My Name].”

Me: “But [Competing Store] sells pumpkins.”

Coworker: “Then why don’t you buy them and bring them here so we can sell them?”

Me: “But why don’t you guys have them?”

Coworker: “Because we hate our customers. Have a nice day.” *hangs up*

(My manager frequently calls me into his office or rings me on my desk phone when he isn’t sure how to phrase or spell something. Today, however, was a really good one. My desk line rang and showed his extension.)

Me: “Helloooooo!”

Manager: “Is there a key on the keyboard that makes an arrow?”

Me: “Wait… what?”

Manager: “I want to type an arrow. Is there a way to do that?”

Me: “I usually do a hyphen and a carat.”

Manager: “What? Okay… Hyphen.” *I hear him hit a key in the background* “And what?”

Me: “Like a greater than or less than sign, depending which way you want your arrow to point.”

Manager: “Oh! Yeah! Wait, how do I make those again?”

Me: “Capital period or capital comma, depending.”

Manager: “There it is! AND LOOK AT THAT! AN ARROW! Man, you are SOOO SMART!”

Me: “So it’s not really a key for an arrow, but a combination. A build-your-own-arrow. I can teach you how to make lots of other things too! Some of them are dirty!”

Manager: “Okay, that’s probably enough for today.” *click*