No Time Like The President

| Working | April 15, 2013

(Note: the president of the very small marketing firm where I work can be a little loopy sometimes.)

President: “What do we want?”

Me: “Huh?”

President: “Time travel!”

Me: “O…kay?”

President: “When do we want it?”

Me: “Now?”

President: “Doesn’t really matter when, does it?”

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Immaculate Misconception, Part 3

| Working | April 15, 2013

(While at the movies, I have to leave due to a severe pain in my side. It’s so bad that I black out. My friend who is with me calls the paramedics; by the time the EMTs show up, my friend and I both believe I have appendicitis.)

EMT: “Are you pregnant?”

Me: “No, it’s appendicitis.”

EMT: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes. I have never had sex.”

(The EMT gives me a disbelieving look and checks my ID.)

EMT: “You’re not 19.”

Me: “Yes, I am. I have appendicitis.”

(This continues until I arrive at the hospital, where I wait for several hours screaming in pain during which time my family and boyfriend show up. I try in vain to convince them I have appendicitis, but the doctors believe I am pregnant or have a cyst. After four hours, no doctor has been contacted. However, a nurse performs an ultrasound to find the nonexistent cyst/fetus.)

Nurse: “Huh. I can’t find anything.”

Me: “That’s because I have appendicitis.”

Nurse: “That can’t be right. Let’s try again.”

(She tries again and frowns when nothing comes up. She moves the ultrasound up and to my side where I’m clutching myself in pain. Suddenly, I see her smiling and happy.)

Nurse: “Hey! Guess what?! It’s just appendicitis!”

(My ‘just appendicitis’ nearly killed me within hours. The doctor didn’t want to come in, as the nurse had to tell him that yes, it was appendicitis, not some pregnant kid.)


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With Child(like Behavior)

| Working | April 15, 2013

(I’m seven months pregnant and working alone in the shoe department; my department manager has stepped out for lunch. Everyone has been understanding of my pregnancy except for my assistant manager. Note: she calls me ‘Karen’, even though it’s not my real name, which is printed on my name tag.)

Assistant Manager: “Karen, I need all the shoes from this list down and out on the floor.”

(I look at the list and realize more than half are out of my reach.)

Me: “I can get some out, but I’ll have to wait ’til [department manager] is back from lunch since I can’t get the higher boxes.”

Assistant Manager: “Look, I gave you a job and I want it done now. If you don’t do it now, I will write you. Do you understand?”

Me: “But… I can’t use—”

Assistant Manager: “Now!” *walks away*

(At this point, I am tearing up because I am both stressed and scared for my job. I’m about to climb up a rolling ladder when the store manager walks by with his co-manager.)

Store Manager: “[My real name], what are you doing?!”

Me: “[Assistant manager] told me I had to get these shoes down right now or I would be written up.”

Store Manager: “Oh, for Pete’s sake… I gave her that list to give to [department manager], not you. Wait here.”

(The store manager rushes off, leaving me and the co-manager, who does his best to try to calm me down. Eventually, the store manager returns with the assistant manager in tow.)

Assistant Manager: “Karen, why aren’t you doing what I asked?!”

Me: “Um…”

Store Manager: “No. I will stop you right there, [assistant manager]. You can clearly see she is pregnant. If she were to fall or hurt herself, it would be on us. She’s already had one incident here before (I had passed out while on the clock) and I do not need another one. I gave you the list for [department manager], but you felt you had to take your personal opinion out on her, bullying her and threatening her job. So now I am making YOU do the job. If I see or hear of you passing it off to someone else, I will write you up myself and put in a call to [regional manager]. Do I make myself clear?”

Assistant Manager: “Yes, sir.” *turns to me and scowls*

Store Manager: “By the way, her name is not Karen; it’s [my real name]. If you used your eyes, you could clearly see it on her name tag.” *turns to me* “[My real name], go take a break. When you come off that break, come to the office. I will transfer you to a different department myself so you do not have to deal with [assistant manager] anymore.”

(The store manager did indeed transfer me to a different department. Unsurprisingly, the assistant manager transferred stores shortly after I left for maternity leave because she tried to pull a similar stunt with another pregnant girl she didn’t like!)

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Needs To Switch To… Oh, Wait

| Working | April 14, 2013

(I’ve recently reorganized the cabinets in my floor’s coffee area and added big, obvious labels to help people find the kind they want.)

Coworker: “Hey, we’re out of decaf coffee. You really need to keep up with the ordering better.”

Me: “Really? That’s weird; we just got a big order in on Monday. Did you check in the cabinet labeled ‘DECAF COFFEE’?”

Coworker: “There aren’t any labels on those cabinets! You just don’t want to order my coffee!”

Me: “Shall we walk over there together?”

Coworker: “Yes! And you will see that there are no labels and no decaf coffee!”

(We walk to the other side of the floor. I place my finger on the large white label with the large black letters stating “DECAF COFFEE”, then open that cabinet to reveal five boxes of decaf coffee.)

Coworker: “Oh, THERE it is! You really shouldn’t hide things from us like that!”

Me: “I’ll keep that in mind. Enjoy your coffee…”

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An Ounce Of Common Sense Is Worth A Pound Of Queries

| Working | April 14, 2013

Employee: “Hi, can I help you?”

Me: “Hi, could I get 12 ounces of the salmon?”

Employee: “…Ounces?”

Me: “Oh, three-quarters of a pound?”

Employee: “Do you want more… or less… than half?”

Me: “…More. Three-fourths.”

Employee: *confused*

(I glance at the readout on the counter scale.)

Me: “Like, .75?”

Employee: “OH! .75! Why didn’t you just say so?”

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