My, Mime-self, And I

| Working | April 16, 2013

(This takes place a month after I quit my job as a telemarketer. One day, I get a phone call from a different company trying to sell the same things I was selling at my old job.)

Telemarketer: “Hi, this is [name] from [company]. Is [my name] available?”

Me: “Speaking.”

Telemarketer: “Awesome! We at [company] are currently going through our old loyal customers and since you have been such a great…”

(At this point I recognize the pitch, as it was the exact same one I had been taught to use at my old work place.)

Me: *joining in* “…customer for us, we are glad to let you know that we are donating you six months’ worth of a magazine of your choice…”

(I continue talking at the same rhythm with him, repeating the old sales pitch from word to word. Surprised, he starts slowing down, until his words fade away and I finish the pitch alone.)

Me: “Yes, can you imagine getting six months of a magazine of your choice for free? The only thing you’ll need to worry about is the postage. So, for merely 20€ a month, you can get [lists various magazines] and receive a gift that is worth over 60€. What do you think? Shall we mail the first magazine this week?”

Telemarketer: “Uh…”

Me: “Yeah, sorry dude, not biting. Been there, done that.”

(He didn’t even bother to say good bye or anything and basically just dropped the call right there. On the positive side of things, they never called me again.)

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Problem Exists Between Chair And Monitor

| Working | April 16, 2013

(I’m trying to help an older manager figure out a new computer system on the phone. He knows nothing about computers.)

Manager: “I can’t get the report to come up.”

Me: “Okay, you want to take the mouse and go to the little icon that looks like a truck. Then, click the right button on the mouse.”

Manager: “It isn’t working.”

Me: *repeats instructions*

Manager: “It still isn’t opening.”

Me: “It has to open. Okay, you’re on the first page right?”

Manager: “Yes.”

Me: “So, you have the little cursor over that icon, right?”

Manager: “No, I have the MOUSE on the SCREEN over the icon. You SAID put the MOUSE over the icon!”

Me: “Can’t argue with that; that’s exactly what I said. But I think we may have found the problem…”

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How To Loser An Employee

| Working | April 16, 2013

(I’m working as one of three cashiers for a buffet restaurant. None of us are allowed to leave the registers, even when it’s pretty dead. A manager stops by.)

Manager: “What are you losers just standing around for?”

Coworker #1: “Well, we aren’t allowed to leave the registers.”

Manager: “What, you don’t think I know that?! I’m the manager. You are the losers who work here. I mean, why would anyone WANT to work here unless they were too much of a LOSER to get hired somewhere else?”

Coworker #2: “Actually, all of us have second jobs.”

Manager: “EVERYONE WHO WORKS HERE IS A LOSER!” *stomps off*

Me: “Wait, so… he works here.”

(Two days later, I decide to quit. I go in to pick up my paycheck from the same manager, drop my uniform on the desk and start to leave.)

Manager: “Wait! You can’t quit. I put you on the schedule for this week! You have to let me know in advance if you’re quitting!”

Me: “Sorry, I thought only losers worked here, so guess I can’t!”

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Purr-fect Drivers Are Unstoppable

| Working | April 16, 2013

(I enter the bus with my kitten in a carrier on the way to the vet.)

Me: “Excuse me, I’ve never been to the vet with this bus. Can you tell me which bus stop is nearest?”

Driver: “You need to go to the vet?”

Me: “Yes.”

Driver: “Okay…”

(After a while, I notice in passing that he missed the bus stop where I needed to get out.)

Me: “Excuse me, I think you missed my stop.”

Driver: “No, I didn’t.”

(I decide to trust him and a few minutes later, he stops the bus, nowhere near a bus stop.)

Driver: “This is your stop.”


Me: “Okay?”

(I’m a bit confused until the driver points to the other side of the road.)

Driver: “That’s the vet. Hope your cat is okay!”

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Putting The Why In DIY

| Working | April 15, 2013

(I’m an electrician by trade, and have to submit my timesheet via email every two weeks or I don’t get paid. I come home and discover my internet isn’t working, so I can’t submit my timesheet. I call the cable company; three router resets later…)

Me: “Look, this doesn’t seem right to me. Did I forget to pay a bill and you guys have disconnected me?”

Customer Service: “No, it appears you only owe us $30 from last month and you wouldn’t be disconnected for that. But you do want to pay that bill right away.”

(I’m running out of time to submit my timesheet, so I’m getting a bit impatient with my responses.)

Me: “Maybe if I had internet I could.”

Customer Service: “Sir, it is possible that there is a unreported outage in your area. Perhaps a car hit one of our poles.”

Me: “So, did a car hit one of the your poles?”

Customer Service: “Not that we are aware of.”

Me: “Okay. Well, I’m an electrician, so I’m going to go ahead and open up the data box on the side of my house and have a look because I suspect you guys have disconnected me.”

Customer Service: “Sir, you are not allowed to do that. We can have someone out there in three days.”

Me: “That’s not good enough. I’m going to open it up and take a look.”

Customer Service: “Sir, that is illegal. That property belongs to [company name].

Me: “It’s on my house and I paid for all the cable that exists in that box. Come arrest me.” *click*

(I open up the box and sure enough they’ve disconnected everything. Five minutes after I get it open, an installer for the cable company shows up and appears behind me.)

Installer: “Is this why your internet isn’t working?”

Me: “No, this is me troubleshooting for your cable company. They said they couldn’t get anyone out here for a couple days. I should be charging haha!”

Installer: “Yeah they can be d***s. Mind if I take a look at what’s going on here?”

(The installer comes to the same conclusion that I’ve been disconnected. He pulls out a tablet and sees that a three-month-old work order for the previous tenants’ disconnection had been executed that afternoon. He hooks me back up and tells me that this happens all the time. One family had even been disconnected every week for six months because of a fault in the computer system. We shake hands, I learn a little more about data installation and I get my timesheet submitted with only a couple minutes to spare.)

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