(My coworker and I are total nerds, and we have been good naturedly messing with each other via sticky notes for a while. My coworker has several boxes of ‘Star Wars’ marshmallow cereal in his cube, along with lots of other nerdy toys and such. He is also the Dungeon Master for a Dungeons and Dragons game that my husband and I are part of. There has been a lull in sticky note exchanges, until today.)

Me: *via sticky note* “The computer gnomes demand sacrifice. Cereal will do… for now. Do not disappoint us again, human.”

(The rest of the conversation carried on over IM.)

Coworker: “How am I supposed to know that the computer gnomes are displeased?”

Me: “How should I know? You’re IT. That’s your area of expertise, no?”

Coworker: “The magic blue smoke inside the computers still eludes me… and I never learned gnomish… Apple Products and such… PCs are clearly goblin infested, not gnome infested.”

Me: “Must have been carried over when that auditor brought in her Apple laptop.”

Coworker: “Oh crud, cross contamination… Soon we will have gnoblins!”

(Our store is part of a large chain. We often call other locations to request inventory transfers, always saying that a customer requested a shoe in a specific size. I’m on the phone with another location’s manager:)

Me: “It’s for the display on the wall, so any size is okay.”

Other Manager: *slowly drawing out his words* “Interesting… It doesn’t look like we have any here.”

(I recheck the computer and confirm he has three each of multiple sizes. Then I notice my manager double face-palming.)

My Manager: “Just hang up! Tell him we don’t need it anymore!”

(I do as requested.)

My Manager: “Great. Now I’m going to hear it from [Other Manager]. You’re too honest.”

Me: “Doesn’t he ever call to request shoes for display? Or does he just lie and say they’re for customers?”

My Manager: “Yes, he lies!”

(The small business I work for has just been bought. My previous boss was short-tempered, informal, and had a vocabulary that could make a drill sergeant blush. I’m meeting with my new boss — a very professional, calm woman who’s a proponent of yoga. We’re just wrapping up when she glances at the clock.)

Boss: “I had no idea it was so late! Do you mind if I call [Popular Restaurant]? Looks like I’m picking up dinner tonight.”

Me: “Of course.”

(My boss picks up her phone and pauses.)

Boss: *laughs* “I don’t suppose you know their number off the top of your head?”

Me: “Let me see the number pad.” *I look at the phone* “It’s [prefix] “2… 7… 2… 7.”

Boss: “What were you looking at?”

Me: “The letters. Their number… spells… something.”

Boss: *studying the keys* “It does? What?”

Me: *panicked but seeing no way out* “It spells c***.”

Boss: “It does?” *looks closer at keys and suddenly becomes excited* “Oh, my GOD! It DOES! That’s fantastic! I’ll never forget that now. Do you suppose [Restaurant manager] knows? Oh, I can’t WAIT to tell him!”

(Working with my new boss has been lots of fun.)

(Our company recently moved a few towns over; the corporate office and warehouse section are now in different buildings. While the office was set up well in advance, the warehouse had issues with some of the electrical work: namely, it wasn’t done! This occurs on a conference call with me, in the warehouse, my supervisor, in the office, and the electrician which was contracted by the owner of the warehouse we’re leasing.)

Electrician: “Look, I understand there were some issues, but there’s really only so much we can do. We already took care of most of the work.”

Me: “No, you REALLY didn’t. You hooked up the charger for the forklift. That’s it. You did not run the set of outlets on the other wall, you didn’t run the set on the central pillar we asked for, and half our banks of overhead lighting are still being controlled by the motion sensors on the OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL that was just put up.”

Supervisor: “This is totally unacceptable. You were given this contract three months before we moved in, and it’s been two months since THAT point. How in the hell are you five months behind on this?”

Electrician: “It’s not as easy as you’re making it sound, you know. I’ve had a couple of guys out sick.”

Supervisor: “For FIVE MONTHS?”

Electrician: “No, just at the times we could make it over to you.”

Me: “Are you actually saying you’re prioritizing other jobs before something that’s five months old?”

Electrician: “Only ones that have been around longer, or emergency work. We’ve only got non-emergency scheduling two days a week anyway. I’d like to see you guys do better.”

(We did: we had the leaser cancel the contract with the electrician due to lack of service. Then we called up the electricians who were servicing our old building as well as our new office. They were there two days later, and the entire project was done in under five hours, INCLUDING their lunch break!)

(I work in a home furniture store, and am doing something when I see a customer wandering through our display sets giving off “buying, not looking” vibes. My coworker, who is closer, smiles and greets the customer.)

Customer: “Do you have any fabric samples?”

Coworker: “Yes, of course! What kind of fabric were you thinking about? Material or leather, patterned or plain?”

Customer: “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. My husband and I bought a set of six black leather dining room chairs from [Competitor, located next door]. The chairs were delivered today, and we were unwrapping the paper used to cover them. My husband’s hand slipped when he was cutting the wrappings, and the scissors went straight into the seat of the chair!”

Coworker: “Oh, no! Did the leather tear?”

Customer: “Unfortunately, yes. He could have kicked himself – the brand new chair was ruined. So I was just next door at [Competitor] to tell them what happened and see what they could do to help. They refused to do anything.”

Coworker: “No way!”

Customer: “Yes. I’m happy to pay for the fix, of course, but they wouldn’t even let me buy a piece of leather to patch up the seat of the chair. So I was wondering if you have any leather that you use for your furniture? As I said, I’m happy to pay for it. All I need is a small piece, about three inches squared.”

Coworker: “That’s surprising for [Competitor] to be so unaccommodating. You stay right there, ma’am. I’ll have a look at what’s in stock and I’ll be right back.”

(She goes to the sample drawers and starts rooting through them for anything that’s black leather. After a few minutes, she returns to the customer with five different samples which are each a slightly different shade.)

Coworker: “Here you go, ma’am. These are all the different leathers we have in stock at the moment – hopefully one of them will be close enough that it won’t be noticed when the seat is fixed.”

Customer: “Oh, thank you so much! You’re a lifesaver! How much for these?”

Coworker: “Don’t worry about it! These are free samples that we give out to customers, so there’s no charge at all.”

(I have rarely felt pride in the two-and-a-half years I spent in retail, but I definitely was proud of my coworker for gaining that customer’s business after our competitor completely failed her expectations. The customer didn’t buy anything that day, but she regularly came back to our store from then on. And *that* is what customer service is about.)