He’s Slow To Catch On

| Working | June 5, 2013

(I’m grabbing lunch after hockey practice. I got hit in the hand, and while it didn’t break anything, it’s very sore and I’m icing it. The employee making the sub notices, so we chat about hockey vs. rugby injuries while his coworker, the cashier, cracks jokes.)

Cashier: “Alright, that’ll be [total]. Here, catch!”

(The cashier throws the sub at me before I can object. It hits me in the face.)

Me: “What the h***?!”

Cashier: “You’re a netballer! You’re supposed to be able to catch!”

(Suddenly, the cashier gets hit in the head by burnt loaf. It was thrown by the employee who made my sub.)

Cashier: “Ow!”

Employee: “You’re an idiot.”

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Just Plain Batty

| Working | June 5, 2013

(Note: My husband and I are traveling to Australia to volunteer at a bat rescue hospital. We need a series of rabies vaccines in order to work with injured bats.)

Nurse: “So what bit you?”

Me: “Nothing, we’re going to rescue bats in Australia and we need the shots so we can handle them.”

Nurse: “Bats? That is so gross! Why would you do that?”

Me: “I’ve loved bats all my life. I’m so excited; [husband] arranged for it for my birthday.”

(The nurse frowns at my husband.)

Nurse: “Hmm. When I was younger, I went to summer camp. There were always bats flying around the campfire and down by the river.”

Me: “Yeah, they were eating the bugs above the water and the moths and things that are drawn to the campfire light. I bet they saved you from a ton of mosquito bites.”

(I launch into a little mini speech about all the ways bats help the environment and what we’ll be doing in Australia and the types of bats we’ll be working with. The nurse is listening and nodding her head the entire time. She gives my husband his shot and then moves to me.)

Nurse: “You should take a badminton racquet with you.”

Me: “Why?”

Nurse: “We used badminton racquets to knock them out of the air.”

Me: “What?!”

Nurse: “We had a scoring system and everything; there were bonus points if you stomped on them. You should try that. They crunch!”*mimes stomping on something* “Crunch, crunch!”

Husband: “You understand we’re going to *rescue* them, right? We’re not going to kill them.”

Nurse: “But they’re filthy and diseased!”

Husband: “They can be, which is why we’re getting shots now.”

Nurse: “You need to take a racquet to protect yourself.”

(By now, she has finished. I put my coat on and we leave the room without speaking. However, the nurse shouts down the hallway after us.) 

Nurse: “You’re going get sick and I’m going to laugh when you have to come back for more shots because you have rabies!”

(Ironically, the week after our last shot, the CDC sent a letter telling us that the batch of vaccine we received had tested positive for live rabies and we had to go back in for two more follow-up shots as a precaution. Fortunately, we never saw that nurse again. Working with the bats was FANTASTIC!)

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I’m Positive This Is The Issue

| Working | June 5, 2013

(I’m working as a field tech, and I’m at a site trying to figure out why their database keeps going missing.)

Me: “So walk me through what you do each day.”

Employee: “Well, I take this floppy disk to the office and get the database, and then I bring it back here. Then I put it in the drive, and it doesn’t work.”

(She shows me a pile of ‘failed’ floppy disks. I look at the computer and see a HUGE magnet sitting on the computer right over the floppy drive.)

Me: “Um, is this always sitting here?”

(I pry the magnet off the computer.)

Employee: “Yeah, I guess it’s been there for awhile.”

Me: “I don’t suppose your problems started right about the time this got placed on the computer?”

(I go on to explain the problem with magnets and floppy disks, and we try running the process with a new disk. Lo and behold, it worked.)

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What A Bun-eficent Guy

| Working | June 5, 2013

(My friends and I have just finished our first-ever game of paintball. In the game, there were many cheaters, so we’re in a bad mood. We decide to get hot dogs from the stand outside the paintball center.)

Vendor: “You guys had a fun game of paintball?”

Everyone: *sadly* “Yeah…”

(There is a long pause while the vendor cooks the hot dog.)

Vendor: “Kumusta ka?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Vendor: “Kumusta ka?”

(I realize he is trying to speak to me in Tagalog.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I only speak English. My mother didn’t teach me Tagalog.”

Vendor: “Oh, that’s a shame. How about you, young man? Where are you from?” *motions to one of my friends*

Friend #1: “I’m from Taiwan.”

Vendor: “Nǐ zěnme yàng?”

Friend #1: “I can’t believe you know Mandarin!”

Me: “Wow, that’s so cool! How many languages do you know?”

Vendor: “About twenty… no twenty-five.”

Friend #2: “How about Arabic? Kayfa ḥālak?”

Vendor: “Ana bekhair.”

(My five friends and I continue talking to him in all the languages we know, and we even taught him some Russian. By the end of it, all of us had bought a hot dog from him except for me, since I didn’t have any money.)

Vendor: “Alright, all six of your hot dogs are done. It was nice talking to you.”

Friend #3: “Six? We only bought five.”

Vendor: “Did you? My, I’m getting old. You, girlie!” *points to me* “Take this hotdog!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have any money.”

Vendor: “No, just take it. I made too many. It’s either you take it, or it goes to me. I’ve had too many today already.”

Me: “Thank you so much!”

(We leave. Only then, do I realize I forgot to ask for his name! He really did turn our whole bad day around; a little kindness can go a long way!)

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Greeting Perverted, Disaster Averted

| Working | June 4, 2013

(I work in a call centre, and it’s pretty quiet, so my colleagues and I are chatting. We’re discussing how no-one really listens to our greetings, and then move onto the subject of lying. Suddenly, I get a call come through.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [store]. How can I lie to you today?”

(I go white as I realise what I just said. My colleagues look on in shock.)

Customer: “Hi there, I found some vouchers at the back of the drawer and they expired. Can you help?”

(I get the vouchers updated, and I secretly add a few more because I felt so bad about what I just said.)

Customer: “By the way, that’s the most awesome greeting.” *chuckles*

Me: “I’m so sorry! It sort of slipped out!”

Customer: “Don’t worry love; it’s fine. Have a good day, but try not to tell porkies (lies) now!”

Colleague #1: “Did they say anything?”

Me: “Yeah, but she laughed at it.”

Colleague #2: “B***** h***! People do listen!”

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