Grey Can Turn You Red

| Working | March 13, 2013

(This occurs during the lunch hour at work. All of my coworkers in this story and I are female.)

Coworker #1: “I just LOVE that 50 Shades series.”

Coworker #2: “I know, right? They’re just amazing!”

Coworker #3: “I read the whole first book in an evening. I especially loved when…”

(Coworker #3 proceeds to describe a scene from the books. Afterwards, Coworker #2 turns to me.)

Coworker #2: “[My name], have you read them? Aren’t they just a great read?”

Me: “Nah, they’re just not hardcore enough for me.”

(They all go quiet and turn every shade of red. I burst out laughing.)

Me: “Hey now, ladies… you’re the ones talking about smut in the workplace!”

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These Dumplings Ain’t For Darlings, Darlin’

| Working | March 13, 2013

(I’m eating with my brother at a restaurant. We have two dumplings left, and we want to take home one each.)

Brother: “Can we get two containers and two bags, please?”

Waitress: “Yeah, sure.”

(The waitress takes the dumplings, but she comes back with both dumplings in the same container.)

Me: “Actually, can we get another container and bag, please?”

Waitress: “How wasteful are you! Why do you need to separate the dumplings? One container has room for five or six dumplings.”

Me: “Because one is for him and one is for me. We don’t live together.”

Waitress: “Well, why not?”

Me: “I still live with our parents, and he moved out when he married.”

Waitress: “And you’re dating a married man? That’s pretty shameful.”

Me: “I’m not dating him; he’s my brother.”

Waitress: “Well, I saw you two hugging, and he kissed you on the forehead.”

Brother: *to me* “Let’s just go. Not worth it. Since my home is on the way you can come by. I’ll put my dumpling in a bowl and you can take the other home.”

Waitress: *stares at us until we leave*

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Persistence of (Tele)Vision

| Working | March 13, 2013

(I have been living at my current residence for about six months. One day, a cable service worker knocks on my door.)

Worker: “I am here to inform you that your cable will be turned off, and I must take your cable box unless you bring your account up to date.”

Me: “Umm, I don’t have cable.”

Worker: “Miss [Name]? You owe [Company] [Amount]. How would you like to pay?”

Me: “That is not my name. That person hasn’t lived here for six months.”

Worker: “I need the cable box miss, and unless you can pay the account I will turn your cable off now.”

Me: “I’m not paying you anything. I don’t have cable; I never have and I don’t have a cable box. Here’s my driver’s license, here are three pieces of mail with my name, and two with my husbands name. I do not owe your company any money.”

Worker: “Uh huh… okay. I need the cable box.”

Me: “I do not have a cable box. I never had an account with your company.”

Worker: “Ma’am, I am going to shut the cable off now.”

Me: “Okay, fine.”

(Five minutes later, he knocks on the door again.)

Worker: “I need the cable box, now.”

Me: “I don’t really know how many more times I am going to need to tell you this. I do not have a cable box. I am not [Name].”

Worker: “Can you prove that?”

Me: “I already showed you my photo ID and my mail. What else do you need?”

Worker: “State or government issued ID.”

Me: “Okay, once again, here is my driver’s license, and here is my military ID, here is my power bill and there…”

(I point to my husband’s car, which is pulling into the driveway as we speak.)

Me: “…is my husband. Why don’t you talk to him now?”

(I let my husband speak with the worker and leave. Twenty minutes, later he finally comes into the house.)

My Husband: “I had to call the cable company and the landlord to prove to that guy that we don’t owe them any money.”

Me: “Ugh, that’s crazy.”

My Husband: “He says he still wants the cable box back, though.”

(Just then, there’s another knock on the door.)

Me: “I am not getting that.”

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The Grapes Of A Customer’s Wrath

, , | Working | March 12, 2013

(My friend is putting on a New Year’s party, so we’re at a liquor/party store looking for white wine and party hats. She goes to one register while I go to a different one to pay for some cards.)

My Friend: “Just the wine and hats, please.”

Cashier: “ID, please.”

(My friend searches her purse but realizes that she’d left her ID at home after changing wallets.)

My Friend:  Sorry, I don’t have mine. I’ll just buy the hats and get the wine later when I have my driver’s license on hand.”

Cashier: “We can’t sell you any alcohol if you don’t have ID. If you try to use your little fake one at home, we’ll destroy it.”

My Friend: “My ID is real, but at this point, I just want to buy the hats.”

Cashier: “No ID, no alcohol.”

My Friend: “But I don’t want to buy the alcohol now.”

(This goes back and forth for a bit. After I’ve paid for my purchases, I walk over to her register.)

Me: “What’s going on?”

Cashier: “I’ll tell you what’s going on! Your little friend here is trying to get me fired by selling her alcohol with no ID!”

My Friend: “I’ve told her several times after finding out my ID is at home. I just want to buy the hats.”

Me: “But you still won’t sell her the hats?”

Cashier: “No ID, no alcohol.”

Me: “But she’s not wanting to… never mind. Please bring up your manager.”

(The manager comes over, but instead of resolving the situation, the continuous loop of “No ID” and “I just want the hats” keeps going on. My friend is close to crying when I decide I’ve had enough. I’m normally very nice and don’t cause trouble, but I pick up the wine bottle and drop it. The bottle breaks and the wine is everywhere.)

Manager: “You’re paying for that, you little snot!”

Me: “That’s fine. While I’m paying, can I also get these hats that my friend has been trying to buy WITHOUT the wine, I might add, for the last few minutes of this pointless transaction?”

Cashier: “Smarta**!”

(And with that, the cashier finally rang up the hats and the cost of the wine. We never went back there!)

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Three: Two To Get Stumped By It, One To Return It

| Working | March 12, 2013

(At the department store where I work, we don’t have a time limit on when items can be returned. On this day, a customer comes in to return a blender.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi, yeah. I want to return this blender here.”

Me: “Okay, is anything wrong with the item?”

Customer: “Well, yes. I really love it, and I’ve heard they work great, but I can’t open it!”

(Due to our liberal return policy, I’m immediately wary and expect some sort of trick.)

Me: “Okay, well, how about I take a look at it for you to see if I can help you out? I’d hate for you to have to return it if you like the item just for something like this.”

Customer: “Sure, go ahead! I’d like to see if you can figure it out!”

(I’m a little baffled that she approves, since this is usually the point when the customer starts arguing, but obligingly take out the blender to look at it. Surprisingly, although it looks simple to open, it’s actually fastened shut quite firmly, and I can’t find a catch for it anywhere.)

Me: “Oh, that’s…that’s really weird. Uh, okay, how about I call over somebody from the department? They’re probably familiar with the item more than me.”

Customer: “Sure! I think I’m going to return it anyway, but I’m really curious to see how you get it open.”

(I call Coworker #1 over and explain the situation.)

Coworker #1: “Oh, no problem, these are easy! You just push this button at the top and…”

(Coworker #1 pauses as the button does not work, and struggles with the lid for several minutes. It still doesn’t come off.)

Coworker #1: “Well…that’s weird. It’s supposed to come off like this.”

(As she says this, I spot Coworker #2 near the desk.)

Me: “Hey, want to join the party? Maybe you can figure out how to get this open?”

Coworker #2: “Oh, these. I had one of these before. Don’t worry, you open it like this.”

(Coworker #2 takes the blender, but much to her surprise, she also can’t get it open after several more minutes.)

Customer: “Well, now I don’t feel so bad that I couldn’t get it open! I felt kind of stupid at first.”

Me: “…Y’know what. Let me do that return for you…”

(We never actually did get it open. In the end, I had to damage it back to the warehouse. For the rest of the day when I saw those coworkers, one of us would open with a, “How many employees does it take to open a blender?” joke.)

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