I’ve Got Twenty Assumptions In My Pocket

| Working | June 17, 2013

(My family is not quite at the poverty line but as close as you can get without being able to qualify for any financial help. As such, we keep money tight, and I buy almost all my clothes from a nearby thrift shop. Note: Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop” song has recently come out.)

Me: “Excuse me, but where are the women’s shirts? I think they got moved.”

Cashier: “Look kid, you’re not going to be popular for wearing s*** from a thrift shop. You just look homeless. Go back to [expensive store].”

Me: “No, I come here all the time. I can’t afford [expensive store], and never have. Where are the women’s shirts?”

Cashier: “Kid, I have never seen you before. Just look up on your fancy little iPhone sixty-whatever and find the nearest [expensive store].”

Me: “You’re assuming I have an iPhone?”

Cashier: “Fine, off-brand or maybe 4, whatever. Just stop pretending that you’re gonna be cool for wearing old clothes.”

Me: “Get me your manager.”

Cashier: “Pfft, why should I? So you can make some sob story and get cheap-a** clothes for free so you can still buy your [expensive store] brand shoes?”

Me: “Manager. Now.”

(Reluctantly, the cashier gets the manager.)

Manager: “What’s the problem, [cashier]? Oh, [my name], nice to see you.”

Me: “I asked where the women’s shirts got moved to and [cashier] just told me off, rudely, to go to [expensive store] because I’m not going to be cool in thrift shop clothes.”

Cashier: “It’s true though! That “Thrift Shop” song is total BS. All we ever get now are teens buying clothes to look cool, and it doesn’t work!”

Manager: “[Cashier], this is [my name], and her family comes here all the time. It’s the only clothes they can afford. Sometimes they can’t even afford it. She doesn’t care about being cool. I don’t think she’s ever even *been* in [expensive store]. Go in back and wait for me.”

Cashier: *leaves*

Manager: “This is the third time this week I’ve gotten a complaint about him. The women’s shirts are over in the corner that way…”

(When I came back next week for shoes for my brother, the cashier had been fired.)

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Return This Rep To Sender

| Working | June 16, 2013

Me: “I would like to dispute this $15 charge on my bill.”

Cable Rep: “Okay, I see we shipped you a box for $9.99.”

Me: “Yes, but there is another $15.”

Cable Rep: “Yes, that is for the shipping.”

Me: “Isn’t that the $9.99?”

Cable Rep: “Yes, that is for shipping.”

Me: “Then what is the $15 for?”

Cable Rep: “That’s for shipping.”

Me: “Why would you charge me $9.99 for shipping and then another $15 for shipping?”

Cable Rep: “That was for returning the old box.”

Me: “There were no labels in the box or anything to indicate it was for return, only the new box. I took the old one back to one of your offices.”

Cable Rep: “Look, I’m just trying to explain your charge. That was for shipping.”

Me: “Shipping what?”

Cable Rep: “The box.”

Me: “My old box or my new box?”

Cable Rep: “Look ma’am, I’m just trying to explain your bill since that was what you asked for.”

Me: “I physically returned the old box because there was no shipping label or anything else in the box you sent me.”

Cable Rep: “It was for shipping.”

Me: “Could I please speak with someone else?”

Cable Rep: “I assure you ma’am, I can help you.”

Me: “No, I assure you, you cannot…”

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Just Plain Batty, Part 2

| Working | June 16, 2013

(I have a quite and well-behaved Chihuahua that is a medical alert service dog. I’ve been talking to a sales associate for at least fifteen minutes, and she hasn’t said a word about my service dog. Suddenly…)

Sales Associate: “So the thing that you want to keep in mind is—OH MY GOD, IT’S A BAT!”

Me: “What?! Where?” *looking around in surprise*

Sales Associate: “THERE! THERE! IT’S A BAT!”

(The sales associate is completely hysterical, shrieking and pointing. It takes me a moment to realize she’s pointing at my service dog.)

Me: “…Ma’am, that’s my service dog.”

Sales Associate: “IT’S A BAT!”

Me: “He’s my service dog. He’s a Chihuahua. ”

(The sales associate stops screaming and stares at my service dog for a few moments.)

Sales Associate: “So, the thing that you want to remember is…” *goes on about the product as if nothing happened*


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Coworkers In The Mist

| Working | June 15, 2013

(Two of my coworkers, a boy and girl, are both in their late teens/early twenties and… let’s just say, they’re a little rough around the edges. The boy runs one hand through his hair.)

Boy Coworker: “Ow. Oh, ow. Hey, [girl coworker], come and look at this.”

Girl Coworker: “What?”

Boy Coworker: “Just come and look.”

Girl Coworker: “What, you got a tick or something?”

Boy Coworker: “I dunno. Will you look?”

(The girl proceeds to look through his hair, chimpanzee-style.)

Girl Coworker: “This right here?”

Boy Coworker: “Ow! Yeah, what is it?”

Girl Coworker: “It’s a bump. Like a pimple.”

Boy Coworker: “Can you get it?”

Girl Coworker: “Yeah, hang on.”

Boy Coworker: “Ow. Ow. Ow! Anything come out?”

Girl Coworker: “Little bit…”

(She proceeds to squirt some hand-sanitizer on her hands and goes about her day. Thank god there were no customers in the store, but I wish there were brain bleach to erase that memory.)

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The Moldest Trick In The Book

| Working | June 15, 2013

(I am shopping with my boyfriend at the grocery store. I pick up a loaf of bread.)

Me: “Ugh, look at this! It’s so moldy down at the bottom. We should tell someone.”

My Boyfriend: “Alright, I’ll check for more bread like this so they can get rid of it.”

(While he does that, I go over to a register to complain.)

Me: “Hi, I found this loaf—”

(The cashier takes it and flips it over.)

Cashier: “Tah dah.”

(I flip the bread back over and point at the mold.)

Me: “No, no, people won’t buy it like this. I’m telling you this so that you guys can get rid of it.”

Cashier: “I can’t give you a refund if you didn’t buy it. Sorry it was moldy. Just flip it over.”

(I am a pastry chef and am doubly certified in sanitation and food safety. I explain this to the cashier when my boyfriend comes up.)

My Boyfriend: “This is why I stopped shopping at [store].”

(He drops a handful of moldy bread loafs on the register.)

Cashier: “Just flip it over! No one will notice!”

(I’m never shopping there again!)

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