Her B.S. Is B.S.

| Working | June 21, 2012

(There’s a power blackout while I am being checked out of a convenience store. My purchase is $27.15 and I have just handed the young lady at the till $40.00.)

Cashier: “I’m sorry, but the power is off and I can’t make change.”

Me: “I gave you $40, so you owe me $12.85.”

Cashier: “As if!”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Cashier: “How do you know?”

Me: “I did it in my head.”

Cashier: “Yeah, right!”

(At this point, the manager comes up and asks what the problem is.)

Cashier: “The bill is $27.15 and he gave me $40.00, but the power is out and I can’t figure the change. He tells me that it’s $12.85.”

Manager: “It is.”

Cashier: “How do you know?!”

Manager: “I did it in my head.”

Cashier: “As if!”

Manager: “Go stock the shelves…”

(The manager turns to me and shrugs apologetically.)

Manager: “She’s starting university this term in Engineering. Any bets on how long that lasts?”

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The Other, Other Red Meat

| Working | June 20, 2012

(While working in the store’s meat department cutting links of sausage, I cut my finger very badly. Due to the nature of the cut, I did not feel it at first. By the time I noticed, it I had bled into the sausage. This exchange takes place after I return from bandaging my hand.)

Me: “Is there a special way to dispose of this sausage? Or should I just toss it in the bin?”

Boss: “What are you talking about?”

Me: “Well, I bled all over this meat. It’s sort of a bio-hazard.”

Boss: “No, just put it in the service case. No one will be able to tell. They have to cook it anyway!”

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The Pilgrim’s Lack Of Progress

| Working | June 20, 2012

(Once a month, we close the clinic early and go out to lunch as a group. I haven’t lived in town very long when we go to a local restaurant called the Mayflower.)

Coworker: “If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?”

Me: “Pilgrims!”

Coworker: “Huh? That’s a joke. The answer is ‘June bugs’.”

Me: “Oh, I had heard that joke differently. Hey, look at these placemats with the story of the Mayflower on them: ‘Once upon a time, there were people called Pilgrims?’ Do they think we’re in first grade or something?”

Coworker: “I don’t know this story.”

(I tease her, thinking she’s kidding.)

Me: “Were you asleep during social studies in elementary school?”

Coworker: “Hey, we’re not all as filled with USELESS KNOWLEDGE as you are, okay? Sorry if I concentrate on actual important stuff and don’t know about this PILGRIM business!”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry.”

Coworker: *changes the subject* “This weekend, I’m going to visit my family!”

Me: “Oh, that sounds fun. Are you very close?”

Coworker: “To be honest, not really. Ever since I got my college degree, they don’t want to talk to me because I’m so much smarter than they are!”

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Rent In Peace

| Working | June 20, 2012

(My grandmother has just passed away. We are cleaning out her apartment, which is in a complex for senior citizens. This takes place at the dumpster outside the apartment as I am throwing her hoarded belongings away. A custodian approaches us.)

Custodian: “Do you have a grandparent living here?”

Me: “Well, my grandmother lived here, but she passed away yesterday, so we’re cleaning out her apartment. ”

Custodian: “I’m sorry, but you can only use this dumpster if you or a family member live here.”

Me: “Well, she did live here, but she just passed away.”

Custodian: “So, you don’t have a grandparent living here right now?”

Me: “Well, no, I don’t.”

Custodian: “So, you can’t use this dumpster.”

(At this point, my dad comes by to find out why it’s taking me so long to throw out a bucket of garbage.)

Dad: “What’s taking so long?”

Custodian: “Do you have a family member living here?”

Dad: “My mom has an apartment here.”

Custodian: “So, she does still own the apartment?”

Dad: “The apartment is still in her name, yes.”

Custodian: *to me* “Why didn’t you tell me your dead grandmother still owns her apartment?!”

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Timelines Are Of The Essence

| Working | June 19, 2012

(I’m calling the travel agent’s customer service. The flight I booked from Dalian, China back to the U.S has been put on hold due to an error.)

Travel Agent: “Hello, how may I help you today?”

Me: “I just booked a flight from China back to the U.S for July 31st. I received an email about an error?”

Travel Agent: “Ah yes, Miss, I believe I know the one in question. You plan to leave Dalian at 1PM on July 31st, is that correct?”

Me: “Yes.”

Travel Agent: “…and then you will transfer in Japan, arriving in Tokyo at 5PM on the 31st, correct? You will then leave for the U.S at 12AM on the first of August…wait, and arrive in LA on the 31st of July? Ma’am, are you spending a year in Japan?”

Me: “What? Oh, no. You see, the plane will be crossing the international dateline, which is between Japan and the U.S, so while it will in fact be the first in Japan, it will still be the 31st in LA.”

Travel Agent: “What?” *long pause* “No, that can’t be right…”

Me: “…”

Travel Agent: “Wait a moment…wait a moment…one moment.”

(The ‘hold’ music comes on while he leaves the phone. When he comes back on, I hear laughing in the background, and he is obviously embarrassed.)

Travel Agent: “I am so sorry. You are perfectly right. Your ticket has been approved.”

Me: “Thank you so much for your help!”

Travel Agent: “So, what time is it in China?”

Me: “It’s morning on the 20th.”

Travel Agent: “Wow…”

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