(I work in the service department of a car dealership. There is an employee who works in Sales/Finance who is universally despised: he’s entitled, tries to get special treatment all the time, and often misleads customers in ways that end up throwing our department under the bus by making promises he and we cannot keep. He also has a habit of leaving cars, including his own personal car, in random places in the way of our operations – which he has just done again.)

Coworker #1: “So does he just think the whole dealership is his personal parking space?”

Me: “Apparently! He’s… kind of a douchebag.”

Coworker #1: “That’s a h*** of an understatement.”

Me: “Fine. He’s an ENORMOUS douchebag.”

Coworker #1: “Much better.”

Me: “He’s such a gigantic douchebag that every time he’s around, I feel lemony fresh.”

Coworker #1: “Lemony fresh! I love it!”

Me: “If an actual human-sized walking talking LITERAL douchebag walked in the door RIGHT NOW, we would have trouble telling the difference between him and [Salesman].”

Coworker #2: “No, we could EASILY tell the difference! If the two of them stood next to each other, [Salesman] would be the obviously BIGGER douchebag.”

(I work in a department store. For some reason, they switched calling up extra cashiers from “to the front lanes” to “code one.” It may have been to sound more official, but it really caused confusion, especially when customers overheard. The week before Christmas, for unknown reasons we only had three cashiers scheduled to man our twelve check-out lanes, and one called out. Needless to say, the front manager was calling more and more floor workers up for “code one” by the minute. I don’t keep track of this until I realize I’m surrounded by people asking for help with everything from hardware to groceries to clothing.)

Me: “Excuse me, I don’t mean to be rude, but am I LITERALLY the only person still on the sales floor?!”

Customer #1: “I think so!”

Customer #2: “No, there’s still the guy at the electronics booth, but he’s got a longer line than you.”

Front Manager: *over walkie-talkie* “[My Name] to the front end for a code one.”

Me: *back to him* “I’ve got almost a dozen people I’m trying to help right now. I’ll be up ASAP.”

Front Manager: “We really need you up here; make it quick.”

(I “make it quick” as much as I can, but for every person I help that’s just “it’s aisle B6 on the back end,” there’s two that need product checked in the storage room, or need help getting down a bike, or simply expects me to run and grab things and bring them back. Needless to say, the manager is getting more irate, and almost calling “code one” faster than I can help individuals.)

Customer: “Is there some sort of emergency? He keeps calling codes.”

Me: “No, that’s just calling me up for register assistance.”

(I pick up the walkie talkie, but the little old lady next to me suddenly snatches it out of my hand!)

Lady: “This boy’s the only person you have out here and he’s bending over backwards to help us all! Leave him alone and check those people out yourself!”

(I got yelled at for “allowing” her to do that… Worth it, though, especially for the cheers of the people around.)

Customer: “My GPS works during the day; just not at night.”

Me: “Well, duh! It can’t see where it is; how is it supposed to tell you how to get somewhere?”

Related:
GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity, Part 3
GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity, Part 2
GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity

(My mom relayed this story to me about what happened when she went looking for party supplies. She is a huge Broncos fan and is throwing a party for Super Bowl 50. She decides to call into a party store to see if they have any decorations. Keep in mind that the Broncos and the Panthers are playing this year and the Patriots played last year.)

Mom: “Hi, I was wondering if you guys had any Super Bowl party supplies.”

Worker #1: “I’m not sure let me check.”

(A couple minutes later.)

Worker #2: “Hello? Is there something I can help you with?”

Mom: “Yeah, someone was checking for me. I was wondering if you guys had Super Bowl party supplies. The other gal said she wasn’t sure.”

Worker #2: “I’m not sure if we do. Let me check.”

(A few more minutes later:)

Worker #3: “Hello, can I help you with something?”

Mom: “Yes, do you guys have any Super Bowl party supplies.”

Worker #3: “Yes, right at the front of the store.”

Mom: “Thank you. Finally. I’m actually looking for Broncos in particular. Do you guys have Broncos stuff?”

Worker #3: “No, and I doubt we’ll get any in, but we do have Patriots stuff.”

Mom: *click*

This story is part of our Super Bowl roundup!

Read the next Super Bowl roundup story!

Read the Super Bowl roundup!

(I just got my car repaired after getting rear-ended, and after getting home I notice that the rear windshield-wiper is installed upside down, so instead of swinging up over the windshield it swings down over the license plate. I take it back to the shop.)

Repairman: “Sorry about that error, but fortunately I can fix it in two shakes of… well, of the car’s tail.”