Your Service Is Crazy, So Call Me Maybe

| Working | August 1, 2012

(Note: I’ve ordered some glasses on a 2-for-1 offer.)

Optician: “We’ll have them ready for you in a couple of weeks. We’ll give you a call to come in when they are ready.”

Me: “I can just pop by in a couple of weeks.”

Optician: “No, we’ll call you when they’re ready.”

(Two weeks pass without a call from the optician, so I decide to pop in anyway.)

Me: “Are my glasses ready yet?”

Optician: “No. We said we’d call you when they’re in.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

Optician: *sighs* “Let me check…”

(They pop off to the back before returning.)

Optician: “Okay, one pair is in, but the other pair got damaged when they were making it. We don’t know when it will come in. We will call you when it comes in.”

Me: “I can just pop in in a few weeks.”

Optician: “No. We will call you when it’s in. Don’t come in till then!”

(Three weeks go by, and again there is no phone call. So, I decide to go in anyway.)

Me: “Hi, have my glasses come in?”

Optician: “We said we’d call you when they are in!”

Me: “Can you check anyway?”

Optician: *checks* “Oh… wait. Yes, here they are!”

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More Buffoon Than Buff

| Working | July 31, 2012

(During the holidays we hire extra help. This happens on Black Friday with a guy who doesn’t work much because, as he puts it, he is “too hot and buff” to work hard. He doesn’t like to listen to me because I’m a female, even though I’m his manager. We’re in the back of the store.)

Me: “Hey, [coworker], since you left your post in the dressing room, you need to go help out with the registers.”

Coworker: “No.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Coworker: “No! This is stupid. You’re just jealous because I’m so hot and I’m totally buff and you just don’t like that I’m working here!”

Me: “Actually, I don’t like that you’re working here because you’re useless and lazy. You have two options here, and only two: either go to the front and run the register, or I’ll clock you out and you can go home.”

Coworker: “You can’t do that!”

Me: “Yes, actually I can. What you can’t do is behave this way and think it’s acceptable. ”

Coworker: “You’re just being a b**** because I’m hot, and you’re ugly!”

Me: “You’re going home. I’m also going to be talking to the owners about your attitude and how useless you are around the building. So, go home… you’ll be more useful away from the store.”

Coworker: “You can’t do that!”

Me: “Again, yes I can.”

Coworker: “You people are just jealous that I’m the hottest person in here! This store is staffed with fug-os! Between you, fatty mclarda**, and that dude with the messed up face, you’re all ugly and jealous of my hotness!”

(Note the two coworkers he’s talking about have overheard and are upset. The girl he’s called fat is trying to lose weight, and the guy has terrible burn scars on his face from a fire he suffered as a child. They both are uncomfortable and upset. Thankfully, the store owner is in the store and comes over.)

Owner: *to my coworker* “You’re fired.”

Coworker: “Who the h*** do you think you are, old man? You can’t fire me!”

Owner: “I’m the owner, not only can I fire you, but I can ban you from ever stepping foot in this store again or I’ll have you arrested. You have disrespected my employees, you’ve bad -outhed the manager—who I would have fired you on her word alone—and you now have twenty seconds to get off my property.”

Coworker: “You people are just jealous! I’m HOT and I’m BUFF and I’m BETTER than you!”

(The owner looks to me, silently giving me permission to put him in his place.)

Me: *to my now-fired coworker* “Hey, just so you know, your butt looks really big in those pants, and your arms look super flabby when you flail around like that. I just thought that, maybe, for someone who claims to be so hot and buff, you’d want to know that!”

Coworker: *looks mortified and runs out of the store*

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Cinco De My-Own-Little-World

| Working | July 31, 2012

(This happens on May 5th. We have two employees of Hispanic descent who have the day off. They come in to say hello. I witness this interaction between a couple of coworkers and our off-work employees.)

Coworker #1: “You know, I always thought that Cinco de Mayo was March fifth. Is it really May fifth? I thought I’d ask since you guys would know.”

Coworker #2: “No, it’s May fifth, today. ‘Cinco’ as in five. ‘Mayo’ as in May.”

Off-work Coworkers: *nodding silently in agreement*

Coworker #1: “Well, I just always figured I was right and the rest of the world was wrong!”

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Way The Heck In The Wrong Profession

| Working | July 31, 2012

(I am a Canadian, and am going to school in Minnesota. I go to a bar with friends and am asked to produce a valid driver’s license by the doorman. I dig out my Quebec permit.)

Doorman: “What’s this?”

Me: “My driver’s permit.”

Doorman: “It’s from way the heck some other place!”

Me:I’m from way the heck some other place.”

Doorman: “No man, I can’t take this. Only Minnesota permits are allowed.”

Friend: “You can’t be serious? People from out of the country can’t drink here?”

Doorman: “Not unless they have Minnesota ID!”

Manager: “What’s the problem here?”

Doorman: “He’s from way the heck some other place!” *hands him my ID*

(The manager looks at the ID, and then looks at me.)

Manager:Oui monsieur, soyez le bienvenue.” (“Yes sir, welcome!”)

Doorman: “What the f*** was that?!”

Manager: “Common courtesy and a French major.”

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Boys Go To Jupiter To Get More Stupider

| Working | July 30, 2012

(I’m the only female employee on the factory floor, and I’ve been working there for several months. We use specialist tools, and everyone has their own set. The manager has been chatting to my coworker for a while, but when he starts shouting I overhear.)

Manager: *to a coworker* “Ha ha, you’ve got girls’ tools!”

Me: “There’s nothing wrong with girls tools, you know.”

(My manager pauses for a few moments. Then, an idea comes to him.)

Manager: “Ha ha, you’re a girl!”

(I am now self employed.)

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