I’m Not Going Nuts

| Working | June 21, 2013

Me: “Excuse me sir? Do you have any raw nuts?”

Worker: “Raw nuts? What do you mean?”

(I gesture to the wall of nuts.)

Me: “All of these are roasted and salted. I don’t want that; I want ones that are not roasted.”

Worker: “Oh! You mean still in the shell! They are right next to the shelled nuts.”

Me: “No, those are all roasted too. I don’t care if they are shelled or not; I just don’t want them roasted. Do you know if you carry them raw?”

Worker: “What do you mean, ‘raw?’ Why do you keep saying that? Nuts don’t come any other way!”

Me: “Do you have a way of double checking for me? Or maybe one of your—”

Worker: “Ma’am, there ain’t no such thing as ‘raw’ nuts. Nuts only come roasted. I don’t know who told you about these ‘raw nuts,’ but they were probably just joking with you.”

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When Incompetence Is Preferable To Incontinence

| Working | June 21, 2013

(We are vendors working at a hotel trying to get it set up. One of my coworkers, who is an older man, disappears and is gone for at least 45 minutes, leaving the rest of us really irritated. When he comes back, he looks haggard.)

Us: “Dude, what happened?”

Coworker: “I missed it by half-a-second.”

Us: “…What?”

Coworker: “Well, I had to go number two, and I missed by half-a-second. Just about got my pants off, and didn’t quite make it. It just went everywhere, and my stall was out of toilet paper… so… I had to get up and try to sneak over to the sink with my pants around my ankles. When, all of a sudden I look up, and I see the cleaning guy staring at me wide-eyed. He shook his head, saying, “No, no!” and ran out.”

(At this point we really wished he was joking, but this coworker has a history of bathroom issues.)

Coworker: “I cleaned up the entire stall, threw away my drawers and walked out the bathroom. Right beside the door was a bench, and there was the cleaning man sitting there still shaking his head. I told him don’t worry about it; I got it.”

Us: “What did the cleaning man say?”

Coworker: “He said, ‘YOU CLEANED ALL THAT?!'”

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No Close-r To A Solution

| Working | June 20, 2013

(I want to switch the name on my internet account from my boyfriend’s name to mine, since I’m the one that pays the bill. I call the service center a little less than an hour before they close.)

Me: “Hello, I would like to change the name on the account to [my name]?”

Rep: “Oh, you have to do that online.”

Me: “I tried, but it won’t let me change the name on the account. It will only let me change my address.”

Rep: “Well, you have to change it online first and then we approve that change. I’ll transfer you to tech support and they can let you know how to do it.”

(She puts me on hold and then transfers me. I explain my situation again to the tech support.)

Tech: “Oh, well that has to be done in billing. You can’t change the name on the billing account online.”

Me: “But I just spoke to billing, and they transferred me to you.”

Tech: “Well, let me transfer you to someone else. I’ll explain the situation to them while I transfer you, so I’ll just put you on hold for a second.”

(After 20 minutes of being on hold, I finally get transferred. I have to explain my situation AGAIN. By now, I have been on the phone with this company for over an hour, which means that it’s now technically past their closing time.)

New Rep: “Oh, yeah, we have to change that on our end, but it’s past business hours so we can’t make any changes to your account. Just call us tomorrow and we can get it sorted out for you.”

Me: “…”

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Not Seeing The Big[ot] Picture

, | Working | June 20, 2013

(My coworker has made two shakes that have been sent back for being too thin. I ended up making it myself and my window time has been completely ruined.)

Coworker: “Was she [race]?”

Me: “…What?”

Coworker: “The one who sent the shake back, was she [race]?”

Me: “Are you a racist?”

Coworker: “No, I’m not. Just the ones who send shakes back are usually [race].”

Me: “So you think people act a certain way based on their race? That’s racism.”

Coworker: “No, it’s not. That’s prejudice!”

Me: *speechless*

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Immaculate Misconception, Part 6

| Working | June 20, 2013

(I am 16 and a virgin. I’ve caught a nasty virus that has forced me to miss a week of work. When, I return to work, I speak to my supervisor.)

Supervisor: “You missed an important meeting, you know. You better have been dying.”

Me: “Um, sorry. I don’t know if I was dying, but I couldn’t stand up.”

Coworker #1: “Are you pregnant?”

Me: “…What? No.”

Coworker #1: “If you been puking for a week, you’re probably pregnant.”

Me: “It wasn’t really about puking. It was about the high fever and dizziness.”

Coworker #1: “But you’re probably pregnant.”

Me: “No, I’m really not. Unless I’m giving birth to the next Christ child.”

Coworker #1: *snorts* “Yeah, sure. More like the Antichrist.” *walks away*

Me: “Did you hear what she just said to me?”

Supervisor: “If you’re pregnant, that really wasn’t a good enough reason to miss work.”

Me: “Like I tried to make clear, I’m a virgin.”

Supervisor: “Sure you are…”

(After my supervisor walks away, another coworker, Coworker #2, speaks up.)

Coworker #2: “Don’t worry. They’ll be sorry when you give birth to the son of God. Your kid would smite people who talked to you like that, right?”


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