Neither Firer Nor Hirer Be

| Working | April 29, 2013

(I’m running late due to the local bus breaking down in the middle of the highway. I call ahead to let the company know I’ll be late, but apparently the message never makes it to the manager. I arrive to find him upset.)

Manager: “I sincerely hope you have a good reason for taking your sweet time to get here. I was on the verge of calling you up and firing you!”

(I apologize and explain what happened.)

Manager: “Well, you should have anticipated that and left home earlier. Because you weren’t here at the right time, we don’t have anyone to train you, so you’re going to have to come back tomorrow and accept we’re docking your pay for today.”

Me: “Um… look again. I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure you can’t do that.”

Manager: “Excuse me? How do you imagine that?”

Me: “Because you haven’t hired me yet. I’m here for my initial interview so you can find out if I’m a good fit for your company.”

(The manager looks at me, then at my resume, and then at the receptionist.)

Manager: “Well, still, can you come back tomorrow? Everyone else is out on assignment now and I don’t feel like dealing with any more new recruits.”

(He tosses my resume back at the receptionist and walks away. I decided to seek employment elsewhere.)

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Wrong Size Means Long Sighs

| Working | April 28, 2013

Fiancé: “Hi, can we get a large and a small coffee?”

Drive-thru Worker: “So that’s two medium coffees. Anything else?”

Fiancé: “No, it’s a large and a small.”

Drive-thru Worker: “Two mediums. Anything else?”

Fiancé: “A large and a small!”

Drive-thru Worker: “Two mediums?”

Fiancé: *facepalms* “Yes. Two medium coffees.”

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Diagnostics Without Prognostication Equals Hysterics Without Pacification

| Working | April 28, 2013

(The internet isn’t working in the building. My coworker is trying to fix the problem when I receive this call.)

Secretary: “The internet isn’t working!”

Me: “We know. We are trying to fix the problem right now.”

Secretary: “Can you tell me when it is going to work again?”

Me: “Sorry, but no, we are not sure where is the source of the problem. However, we are doing everything we can to solve the problem as soon as possible.”

Secretary: “But tell me when it’s going to work again.”

Me: “I don’t know. It can’t be long.”

Secretary: “I need to know when the internet is going to be working. Why don’t you tell me?”

Me: “I can’t tell you because if the problem isn’t solved, you are going to call us again asking why it is still not working. Please be patient.”

Secretary: “Tell me when the internet is going to work again!”

Me: “…The internet is coming back in five minutes.”

Secretary: “Really?”

Me: “No. I don’t know when the service will be back.”

Secretary: “Why you didn’t tell me that from the beginning?!”

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Mismanaged Procreations

| Working | April 27, 2013

Me: “There’s a boy in the noodle aisle purposely throwing everything on the floor. He’s not responding to anyone.”

Employee: “Ugh. Not again. All we can do is pick up after him and put things back.”

Me: “Why can’t someone get his parents and make him stop?”

Employee: “He’s the manager’s kid…”

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Eeny, Meeny, Miny, No

| Working | April 27, 2013

(I live in Norway and speak Norwegian, but my English proficiency is better. When I get calls from telemarketers, I like to ask them to speak English as it scares most of them away and saves me from needless conversation.)

Telemarketer: “Hi! This is [name] from [TV provider]. May I ask what TV provider you have?

Me: “Yes, we use [competitor]. And could I please ask you to speak English?”

(To my surprise, he is not taken aback at all.)

Telemarketer: “Yes! I looooooooooooooooove speaking English! I love talking to new people and having new experiences!”

Me: “Okay.”

Telemarketer: “May I ask how much you pay per month?”

Me: “My husband was the one who closed the deal with them so I don’t know the exact number, but it’s something in the 200 Norwegian Kroner area.”

Telemarketer: “That’s impossible.”

Me: “No, I’m quite positive I’m right.”

Telemarketer: “What kind of package do you have?”

Me: “Well, we really don’t watch much TV, so we only have the few public channels, plus five more channels.”

Telemarketer: “But that’s insane! You pay so much per channel! Our package is MUCH cheaper than that!”

Me: “You can look at it that way, but we only ever want to watch these channels. There is no point for us to pay more and get more channels, if we’re not going to watch them. There is no package which is overall cheaper than what we pay.”

Telemarketer: “But with our package, you can pay 350 Norwegian Kroner and get 30 channels! You would have three sports channels and a selection of children TV!”

Me: “350 Kroner is around 150 Kroner more than we pay for channels we will not watch. My husband buys sports content online when there’s something he wants to watch, and we have no kids at the moment.”

Telemarketer: “But you will get so many more channels!”

Me: “We don’t need them.”

Telemarketer: “But you’ll be able to go, ‘EENY, MEENY, MINY, MOE!'”

Me: “…”

Telemarketer: “So… no?”

Me: “No.”

Telemarketer: “Yeah… I didn’t think so.” *click*

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