Too Much Worky Makes One Murky

| Working | July 20, 2012

(Note: I’ve worked in retail for years at several different stores. I’m closing things out after a particularly busy shift when the phone rings.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [name of music store where I used to work]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Um, excuse me?!”

Me: “Oh, right. Hello, thank you for calling [name of bath and body store where I currently work].”

(The caller starts speaking again. To my horror, I realize it’s our District Manager.)

District Manager: “So… what say I call back and we try this again?”

Me: “That is an excellent idea.”

(As it turns out, our DM thought the whole conversation was hilarious. The Gods of Retail were smiling on me that day!)

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Not Seeing The Forest For Your Duties

| Working | July 20, 2012

(I am a waitress and have three tables at the time. All of the tables request that I close the blinds so the sun will not be in their eyes. I close them and that’s when my boss walks over.)

Boss: “What the F*** are you doing?”

Me: “I am closing the blinds so the sun is not in our customers’ eyes.”

Boss: “No. Open them back up!”

Me: “But then the sun will be in their eyes and they won’t be comfortable.”

Boss: “Do I look like I give a d***?!”

(I refuse to open them, putting my job on the line, but I make the customers happy. As it turns out, one of the customers is a secret shopper and reports the incident to the owner. He was fired a week later, and guess who got a promotion!)

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A Family Af-fire

| Working | July 19, 2012

(I’m used to a different branch of this fabric store, but I happen to be near this one and won’t make it back in time to visit the other before they close. Unfortunately, because I’m not familiar with this branch, I don’t know where anything is.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am? Can you tell me where I might find safety eyes for making a stuffed animal?”

Employee: *leans against the counter with her arms crossed* “No.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Employee: “I said no. As in I can’t tell you. I’m new, duh!”

Me: “Well, I know you all have the radios. Will you ask another employee for me?”

Employee: “Look, I said I’m new, okay? I’m not helping you.”

Manager: “Is there a problem?”

Employee: “This b**** won’t listen to me! I said I can’t help her. I’m new!”

Me: “All I asked her was if she could tell me where to find safety eyes you’d use for making a stuffed animal. When she said she didn’t know, I asked her if she’d ask somebody. This isn’t the store I usually come to, so I’m not familiar with your floor plan.”

(The manager directs me to a nearby aisle where the things I need are, but while I’m there I overhear this.)

Manager: *to the employee* “You were stocking that section for me five minutes ago. Why are you over here leaning on the counter?”

Employee: “I’m on break.”

Manager: “You’re here for the overnight. You JUST started. Why do you think you get a break already?”

Employee: “Because I wanted one. And I shouldn’t have to stock stuff during store hours. I’m here for freight.”

Manager: “I had you come in early so you could help the closing crew since we’re short-handed.”

Employee: *tearing up* “That’s it! You’re not being fair to me. I’m going to quit if you don’t start treating me better!”

Manager: “You know what, you’re not working out.”

Employee: “Excuse me? Don’t you know who I am?!”

(The assistant manager, who is the employee’s uncle, approaches at this point to see what is going on. The manager explains to the assistant manager what has happened.)

Employee: *to the assistant manager* “Uncle Rich, he thinks he can fire me!” *points to the manager*

Assistant Manager: “Well, he’s my boss too, so he can. By the way, you’re fired!”

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Have It Our Way

| Working | July 19, 2012

(I’m allergic to tomatoes and peppers, and most relish/pickles have peppers in them.)

Me: “I’d like a burger but with no tomato or relish or pickles. Just lettuce, onions and mustard, please.”

Waitress: *confused* “Okay?”

Me: “I’m allergic to tomatoes and relish and pickles. All the other toppings are good.”

Waitress: “All right.”

(The burger arrives, and it has nothing on it; it’s just a patty on a bun.)

Me: “Hey, um, this burger is completely plain. Could I get it with mustard and onions on it?”

Waitress: “Uh, no.”

Me: “Why not?”

Waitress: “Well, my cousin is allergic to mustard, and onions are disgusting!”

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Either Way, It Looks Marvel-ous

| Working | July 19, 2012

(I have been telling my coworkers that I’m going to visit my friend who is working at a steampunk festival the upcoming weekend. None of them know what steampunk is, so I explain it to them and show them pictures on my phone, citing a few of my favourite examples.)

Me: “My favourite was Steampunk X-Men. The guy playing Cyclops had a huge backpack covered in hand-wheels and steam tubes because in steampunk, it would need all that to contain his laser eyes.”

Coworker: “Oh, really? How did it work?”

Me: “Um, it was a costume.”

Coworker: “It was fake?!”

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