Persistence of (Tele)Vision

| Working | March 13, 2013

(I have been living at my current residence for about six months. One day, a cable service worker knocks on my door.)

Worker: “I am here to inform you that your cable will be turned off, and I must take your cable box unless you bring your account up to date.”

Me: “Umm, I don’t have cable.”

Worker: “Miss [Name]? You owe [Company] [Amount]. How would you like to pay?”

Me: “That is not my name. That person hasn’t lived here for six months.”

Worker: “I need the cable box miss, and unless you can pay the account I will turn your cable off now.”

Me: “I’m not paying you anything. I don’t have cable; I never have and I don’t have a cable box. Here’s my driver’s license, here are three pieces of mail with my name, and two with my husbands name. I do not owe your company any money.”

Worker: “Uh huh… okay. I need the cable box.”

Me: “I do not have a cable box. I never had an account with your company.”

Worker: “Ma’am, I am going to shut the cable off now.”

Me: “Okay, fine.”

(Five minutes later, he knocks on the door again.)

Worker: “I need the cable box, now.”

Me: “I don’t really know how many more times I am going to need to tell you this. I do not have a cable box. I am not [Name].”

Worker: “Can you prove that?”

Me: “I already showed you my photo ID and my mail. What else do you need?”

Worker: “State or government issued ID.”

Me: “Okay, once again, here is my driver’s license, and here is my military ID, here is my power bill and there…”

(I point to my husband’s car, which is pulling into the driveway as we speak.)

Me: “…is my husband. Why don’t you talk to him now?”

(I let my husband speak with the worker and leave. Twenty minutes, later he finally comes into the house.)

My Husband: “I had to call the cable company and the landlord to prove to that guy that we don’t owe them any money.”

Me: “Ugh, that’s crazy.”

My Husband: “He says he still wants the cable box back, though.”

(Just then, there’s another knock on the door.)

Me: “I am not getting that.”

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The Grapes Of A Customer’s Wrath

, , | Working | March 12, 2013

(My friend is putting on a New Year’s party, so we’re at a liquor/party store looking for white wine and party hats. She goes to one register while I go to a different one to pay for some cards.)

My Friend: “Just the wine and hats, please.”

Cashier: “ID, please.”

(My friend searches her purse but realizes that she’d left her ID at home after changing wallets.)

My Friend:  Sorry, I don’t have mine. I’ll just buy the hats and get the wine later when I have my driver’s license on hand.”

Cashier: “We can’t sell you any alcohol if you don’t have ID. If you try to use your little fake one at home, we’ll destroy it.”

My Friend: “My ID is real, but at this point, I just want to buy the hats.”

Cashier: “No ID, no alcohol.”

My Friend: “But I don’t want to buy the alcohol now.”

(This goes back and forth for a bit. After I’ve paid for my purchases, I walk over to her register.)

Me: “What’s going on?”

Cashier: “I’ll tell you what’s going on! Your little friend here is trying to get me fired by selling her alcohol with no ID!”

My Friend: “I’ve told her several times after finding out my ID is at home. I just want to buy the hats.”

Me: “But you still won’t sell her the hats?”

Cashier: “No ID, no alcohol.”

Me: “But she’s not wanting to… never mind. Please bring up your manager.”

(The manager comes over, but instead of resolving the situation, the continuous loop of “No ID” and “I just want the hats” keeps going on. My friend is close to crying when I decide I’ve had enough. I’m normally very nice and don’t cause trouble, but I pick up the wine bottle and drop it. The bottle breaks and the wine is everywhere.)

Manager: “You’re paying for that, you little snot!”

Me: “That’s fine. While I’m paying, can I also get these hats that my friend has been trying to buy WITHOUT the wine, I might add, for the last few minutes of this pointless transaction?”

Cashier: “Smarta**!”

(And with that, the cashier finally rang up the hats and the cost of the wine. We never went back there!)

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Three: Two To Get Stumped By It, One To Return It

| Working | March 12, 2013

(At the department store where I work, we don’t have a time limit on when items can be returned. On this day, a customer comes in to return a blender.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi, yeah. I want to return this blender here.”

Me: “Okay, is anything wrong with the item?”

Customer: “Well, yes. I really love it, and I’ve heard they work great, but I can’t open it!”

(Due to our liberal return policy, I’m immediately wary and expect some sort of trick.)

Me: “Okay, well, how about I take a look at it for you to see if I can help you out? I’d hate for you to have to return it if you like the item just for something like this.”

Customer: “Sure, go ahead! I’d like to see if you can figure it out!”

(I’m a little baffled that she approves, since this is usually the point when the customer starts arguing, but obligingly take out the blender to look at it. Surprisingly, although it looks simple to open, it’s actually fastened shut quite firmly, and I can’t find a catch for it anywhere.)

Me: “Oh, that’s…that’s really weird. Uh, okay, how about I call over somebody from the department? They’re probably familiar with the item more than me.”

Customer: “Sure! I think I’m going to return it anyway, but I’m really curious to see how you get it open.”

(I call Coworker #1 over and explain the situation.)

Coworker #1: “Oh, no problem, these are easy! You just push this button at the top and…”

(Coworker #1 pauses as the button does not work, and struggles with the lid for several minutes. It still doesn’t come off.)

Coworker #1: “Well…that’s weird. It’s supposed to come off like this.”

(As she says this, I spot Coworker #2 near the desk.)

Me: “Hey, want to join the party? Maybe you can figure out how to get this open?”

Coworker #2: “Oh, these. I had one of these before. Don’t worry, you open it like this.”

(Coworker #2 takes the blender, but much to her surprise, she also can’t get it open after several more minutes.)

Customer: “Well, now I don’t feel so bad that I couldn’t get it open! I felt kind of stupid at first.”

Me: “…Y’know what. Let me do that return for you…”

(We never actually did get it open. In the end, I had to damage it back to the warehouse. For the rest of the day when I saw those coworkers, one of us would open with a, “How many employees does it take to open a blender?” joke.)

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Taking The Urgency Out Of Emergency

| Working | March 12, 2013

(I have just noticed that a fire has broken out in the woods across from my house, and call 102, the Israeli fire emergency number.)

Automated Message: “Thank you for calling the fire department. If you know your party’s extension, you may dial it at any time.”

Me: “Okay…”

Automated Message: “For emergencies, press 1.”

(I press 1. The phone rings for a short time, and then…)

Automated Message: “The extension you dialed is not available. Please hang up and try again later.” *click*

(I end up calling the police instead.)

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Equality Is A Two-Chromosomed Street

| Working | March 12, 2013

Me: “Hey [coworker], I heard you interviewed [my friend].”

Coworker: “Yeah. Sorry, I couldn’t hire him, considering he’s your friend and all.”

Me: “That’s okay. I don’t expect you to hire someone just because he’s my friend. But he said that you told him that the reason he wasn’t hired was that you were looking for female baristas.”

Coworker: *smiles* “Yeah. You know, girls just are harder workers, more detail oriented. And we need that around here. Us guys… we’re not so good at that. We’re pretty crappy, actually.”

Me: “Um, and you told [my friend] that?”

Coworker: “Yeah.”

Me: “Um, you do realize that that is sexual discrimination, right?”

Coworker: “…What? How?!”

Me: “It’s illegal to not hire someone based on their gender. Because [my friend] knows you didn’t give him a shot at the job because he’s a guy, he technically could sue you. [My friend] isn’t going to do that for a job in a coffee shop, but he wanted me to warn you to not say that to people so you or [the owner] don’t get in trouble for sexual discrimination.”

Coworker: “It’s really sexual discrimination? It’s not against women; it’s for women!”

Me: “Dude, sexual discrimination laws go both ways.”

Coworker: “Really?”

Me: *facepalm*

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