Seeing Through Bozo-Colored Glasses

| Working | May 1, 2013

Manager: “[My name], you haven’t highlighted these figures AGAIN!”

Me: “What? Really? Huh, I thought I did.”

Manager: “Well, you didn’t! I can’t stress about how important it is for me to know which figures are which, and you haven’t done them AGAIN!” *sighs theatrically*

Me: “Let me have a look…” *looks at report with highlighted figures* “Wait a minute, manager. These ARE highlighted!”

Manager: “Let me see.” *snatches report* “No, they aren’t!”

Me: “Yes they are. Put on your glasses!”

Manager: “No they aren’t! Wait…” *peers hard* “Oh wait, they are. I was lying, haha!”

Me: “Yeah, next time be sure!”

Manager: “Well, next time use a better highlighter color!” *stomps away*

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Time To Read The Riot Act

| Working | May 1, 2013

(I began reading at the age of three and have always been a very advanced reader. This happens when I am in kindergarten. While my dad looks for books, I try and check out “Charlotte’s Web” with my own library card.)

Me: “I would like to check this book out please, ma’am.”

Librarian: “You can’t get that book! You’re not old enough. It’ll be too hard for you!”

Me: “But… I’ve already read the first chapter. I want to finish it.”

Librarian: “No! I can’t let you check that book out. You’ll just damage it or lose it.”

Me: *starts to cry*

(My dad finally comes over and asks me what’s wrong. Before I can say anything, the librarian interrupts.)

Librarian: “She was trying to check this book out and clearly it is too advanced for her!”

My Dad: “Did you even ask her if she could read it to you?”

Librarian: “Well, no! I don’t need to!”

My Dad: *to me* “Here, read this page.”

(I read the page almost perfectly, only stumbling over one word which I figure out in about three seconds.)

Librarian: *silently checks out book*

(Later, outside…)

My Dad: “Don’t worry honey, the same thing happened to me when I was your age…”

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This Boss Needs Work

, , , | Working | April 30, 2013

(I’ve submitted my notice on December 1 that my last day will be December 21st. On the 21st, I come by to turn in my uniform and collect my paycheck. As I do so, I happen to glance at the work schedule for the next week.)

Me: “Hey [boss], why do you have me scheduled to work Christmas Eve?  And Christmas day? And…” *flips page* “….New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day!?”

Boss: “You didn’t ask off!”

Me: “You’re right, I didn’t. Because I quit.”

Boss: “Hey if you don’t want to work a holiday you have to submit your off-time requests EARLY, you KNOW this.”

Me: “No I don’t… because I don’t work here anymore.”

Boss: “Look, if you don’t want to work your shifts, you need to find someone to cover for you!”

Me: “Or what? You’ll fire me?”

Boss: “You bet your butt!”

Me: “I DO NOT WORK HERE ANYMORE!”

Boss: “Find someone to cover your shifts if you want to skip work on a holiday. Good luck!”

(I turn to a customer who has been listening.)

Me: “Excuse me sir, will you cover my shift on Christmas Eve?”

Boss: “He doesn’t work here!”

Me: “NEITHER DO I!”

(I then left. She called me, furious, each and every day I was supposed to work, and ended up forcing one of her assistant managers to work the store alone on New Year’s Eve, promising I would be there. The assistant manager called me in tears and begged me to come in. That three hours of work screwed up my taxes for two years because the store manager reported it wrong.)

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I’m Not Tell-apathic

| Working | April 30, 2013

(I’ve quit my job, but tell my boss that I’m willing to be available in an emergency or for extra coverage. I’ve therefore been taken off the regular weekly schedule. However, one day my phone rings about five minutes after the daily shift change.)

Me: “Hello?”

Manager: “Hey, are you on your way?”

Me: “On my way?”

Manager: “Yeah, you’re scheduled to work today.”

Me: “I am?”

Manager: “Yeah… didn’t [assistant manager] tell you?”

Me: “No. I’m in [town 45 minutes away] right now.”

Manager: “Oh man… you’re kidding.”

Me: “I was just leaving, though. I guess I could be there in like an hour.”

Manager: “Oh, great!”

(A few minutes later my phone rings again.)

Manager: “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I called [assistant manager] and told her the importance of letting you know when you’re scheduled to work!”

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Double Talk

| Working | April 30, 2013

(I work with a pair of identical twins for the overstock night shift. They know I’m atheist, so they’ve made it their business to preach their religion at me non-stop.)

Twin #1: “So, [my name], you think about what we said on Tuesday?”

Me: “Not really.”

Twin #1: “Come on, man. This is important stuff.”

Twin #2: “Yeah. You wanna go to h***?”

Me: “Nope.”

Twin #1: “I mean, I just don’t get you.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Twin #1: “If you don’t believe in God, where do you get your morals from?”

Me: “Uh…”

Twin #2: “Yeah. The only way to know right from wrong is with God.”

Me: “I don’t think so.”

Twin #1: “Well, it’s still true, dude. It doesn’t matter what you think.”

Twin #2: “Right. You should… hang on.”

(Twin #2 gets a call on his cell phone and answers it. He turns away from his brother and me but keeps standing there.)

Twin #1: “[My name], dude, do you think murder and rape are okay?”

Me: “No.”

Twin #1: “Well, that’s God, man. The only way you know that stuff is not okay is God.”

Twin #2: *on the phone* “…You picked up my bike okay? No problems getting it? Cool…”

Twin #1: “How about lying? Or stealing? You think it’s okay to do that?”

Me: “No.”

Twin #2: *on the phone* “..You think you could roll back the odometer about 5,000 miles…”

Twin #1: “Well, it was God who said lying and stealing are wrong, man. It’s right there in the Bible.”

Twin #2: *on the phone* “…Yeah, I know. But I’ve got somebody coming out to look at it and he said he didn’t want it if it was too used…”

Twin #1: “So you KNOW that stuff like killing and raping and lying and stealing and being a racist and all that stuff is wrong. How do you explain how that’s wrong without God?”

Twin #2: *on the phone* “…Oh yeah, you think you could paint over the rust on the brakes and the engine block, too? I’m pretty sure I could get at least two grand more out of this guy…”

Twin #1: “God is righteous, [my name]. He’s going to punish people for doing all that stuff. You don’t want to go to Hell, do you?”

Twin #2: *on the phone* “…Also, I think the front tire has a hole in it. No, no, don’t patch it. Just put more air in it. It only has to look full until the guy buys it…”

Me: “Wait, wait, wait. Are you guys listening to each other here?”

Both Twins: “What do you mean?”

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