Why Hello, Kessika

| Working | October 13, 2012

(Note: I’m a patient in the hospital after shattering my leg. My sisters call a local florist to order flowers for me.)

Sister: “Please address these to Jessika. It’s spelled with a K. J-E-S-S-I-K-A.”

Sales Clerk: “Jessika with a K. Got it!”

(They arrived addressed to “Kessica.”)


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Abject-Oriented Programming

| Working | October 12, 2012

(Note: I am the only programmer in an office full of graphic designers. A few of my colleagues understand programming, but my boss REALLY doesn’t. He often gives me ridiculous deadlines, but for once I am given a whole 3 weeks to make a complex program.)

Boss: “[My name], the presentation has moved to this friday lunchtime.”

Me: “What?! I wont even have a prototype available this week!”

Boss: “You will or you’ll be out of a job. Jeez, how hard can it be? You’re just typing!”

Me: “I’m… what?”

Boss: “You’re just typing! Everyone else around here has to do crazy graphic stuff… now that looks complex. You just need a copy of Office and you’re set.”

Me: “You can’t use Office for pro—”

(At this point, one of my colleagues interrupts.)

Coworker: *to my boss* “Are you being serious? You only told him about the program this morning!”

Boss: “And he should be able to do it in a week!”

Coworker: “Look, I know a little bit of programming, not enough to build it or anything, but it takes ages to make stuff like that! Give him a break, eh?”

Boss: “You’re just nerds! Nerds and geeks! All nerds stick together… oh yeah, sure!”

Me: “I… what?”

Boss: “You’re just trying to make me look bad! Have that d*** program ready for me within a week!”

Me: “Actually, I have a month of holiday left, and according to my contract I have to use it all if I leave. I’m handing in my 30 days notice. I wont be coming in tomorrow!”

Boss: *gets mad and leaves the room*

(I did indeed hand in my notice, and went in the following week for a goodbye party, which my boss conveniently forgot to attend. However, they now outsource all their programming to me anyway, and I work from home and charge twice as much!)

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All Ceiling Fails Are Final

, | Working | October 12, 2012

(I visit a lighting store because I need a chain from which to hang a heavy stained glass lamp.)

Me: “Hi, I’ve got a really heavy stained glass lamp to hang from the ceiling. It’s probably about 20 pounds and I’m looking for some chain.”

Worker: *holds up some chain* “What about this?”

Me: “Is that going to be strong enough to support it?”

Worker: “Well, if it isn’t, bring it back and we’ll give you a refund.”

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The World’s Oldest Unprofessional

| Working | October 12, 2012

(At the flooring company where I work, my coworker has a desk near Personnel and therefore has to open the door for visitors. One day, a woman shows up outside looking for a job.)

Woman: “I was wondering if you had any jobs available?”

Coworker: “Well, we have a list online.”

Woman: “I don’t have access to a computer. Can’t you just tell me?”

(It’s not my coworker’s job to do so, but she lists jobs in the plant, including packers.)

Woman: “What’s a packer?”

Coworker: “They pack boxes for shipping.”

Woman: “I can do that! Give me an application!”

(The woman proceeds to sit in the Personnel area for almost an hour, filling out the app while engaging everyone who comes near her in conversations about inappropriate subjects. Finally, she hands her application to my coworker.)

Woman: “Do you think I’ll get a job?”

Coworker: “I’m not sure.”

Woman: “I hope so. Otherwise I might need to start stealing cars and selling myself on the street!”

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Not Ever Working, Part 7

| Working | October 11, 2012

(I’m a supervisor for the front end at a grocery store. I’m a pretty easy going person, but I can’t stand it when cashiers repeatedly ask if they can leave early. Because of my personality, they seem to always ask me first. It’s a Sunday during football season, so we are pretty busy with football fans shopping for game snacks plus our Sunday regulars. I’m also working with 3 cashiers who are notorious for constantly begging to go home before their shift is supposed to end.)

Cashier #1: *while serving a customer* “Hey, [my name], can I go home an hour early?”

Me: “Why?”

Cashier #1: “I don’t feel like working today.”

Me: “Neither do I, but here I am.”

Cashier #1: “Yeah, but it’s super busy.”

Me: “All the more reason to keep you here. Tend to your customer.”

(The sudden rush dissipates, but there are still a huge number of cars outside and quite a few people I can see in the aisles. The second cashier comes up to me.)

Cashier #2: “So now that it’s not busy, can I go home now?”

Me: “No, we still have a bunch of people here and soon they will be swarming to the registers. Besides, the next cashier leaves in a half hour so if I am to send anyone home early, she will be next to go.”

Cashier #2: “But she doesn’t want to go home, you can send me.”

Me: “Then after her, it would be [cashier who leaves in an hour]. We aren’t sending anyone home right now who is not already scheduled to leave.”

(It is now about 8:30 pm. It has slowed down enough to send people home. However, there are still quite a few things left to be done. Cashier #3 who, I swear, begs to leave early more than anyone I work with, comes up to me.)

Cashier #3: “It’s really dead in here. You should send me home. I’m so bored.”

Me: “Actually, we have a full cart of items that need to be put back on the shelf.”

Cashier #3: “Ugh! That’s gonna take me FOREVER! Can you have someone else do it and just let me go? I have homework.”

Me: “You weren’t here yesterday. Why didn’t you do it then?”

Cashier #3: “I was hanging out with my girlfriend.”

Me: *annoyed* “Fine. If you bring back all of these items, you can leave as soon as you’re done, seeing how you’re only here for another half hour and it’s not busy.”

Cashier #3: “God, I hate work!”

Me: “Can I ask why you even applied for a job here in the first place?”


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