Must Have A Hidden Agend-er

| Working | December 24, 2012

Me: “I’m looking for some clothes for an interview that I have tonight, but I’m an actor, so it’s not a typical interview.”

Salesperson: “You’re not an actor!”

Me: “Well, yes, I am an actor.”

Salesperson: “You’re not an actor! You’re not a man!”

Me: “It is true, I am a woman, but I am an actor.”

Salesperson: “You’re an actress!”

Me: “We don’t really use that term any more.”

Salesperson: “You don’t look like a man!”

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Med Schools Are Getting Les-sez-faire

| Working | December 24, 2012

(I’m at the gynecologist. The past year, my periods came monthly, but have kept getting lighter and lighter. Now, I’m just late for three months.)

Gynecologist: “Are you sexually active?”

Me: “Yes, but—”

Gynecologist: “Then you might be pregnant. I can test you right now.”

Me: “I’m not pregnant. I’m a lesbian.”

Gynecologist: “If you are sexually active, it’s possible you are pregnant.”

Me: “I’m sexually active with my girlfriend.”

Gynecologist: “As I said, if you are sexually active, you might be pregnant if your period is late.”

Me: “Listen, I cannot possibly be pregnant because I’m a lesbian.”

Gynecologist: “Let’s just do the test first and we’ll see. If you aren’t pregnant, then we’ll move on!”

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Something Looks Fishy

| Working | December 23, 2012

Me: “Hi, I’d like fish, chips and gravy, please.”

Employee: “Sorry, we’ve run out of fish.”

(I look at the cooked and battered fish lying in direct sight.)

Me: “So, what’s that?” *points to said fish* “Are you keeping it as a pet?”

(The employee looks at the fish for a good 10 seconds, and then back at me.)

Employee: “Oh.”

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Egg-xtraordinarily Flip-Plant

| Working | December 23, 2012

(I am at a local deli ordering a pre-prepared sandwich from their display window.)

Me: “Hi, I’d like that chicken cutlet sandwich, please. No chips and no drink; just the sandwich.”

Deli Worker: “Ugh! That is not a chicken cutlet. It’s breaded fried eggplant!”

Me: “Oh, that sounds good. I’ll still take it.” *points to the same sandwich*

Deli Worker: “That isn’t chicken. It’s eggplant.”

Me: “I know. Could I have the fried eggplant sandwich, please?”

Deli Worker: “Here, this one is chicken. Is this the one you wanted?” *gestures to jalapeño and chicken wrap*

Me: “No, thank you. I don’t eat peppers. Again, I will have the fried eggplant sandwich; no chips and no drink!”

Deli Worker: “Here, this one is chicken.” *starts wrapping up chicken jalapeño wrap*

Me: “NO! I want the fried eggpla—”

Deli Worker: *gruffly* “Your total is [price].”

(By now, the deli worker, who has been aggravated and rude the entire time, has rung me up already for the chicken jalapeño and charged me for chips AND a drink.)

Me: “No, I don’t want that sandwich! I want the fried eggplant with NO chip and NO drink!”

Deli Worker: “IT ISN’T CHICKEN! IT’S EGGPLANT!”

(Fed up, I take the sandwich and pick out all the jalapeño. She also refuses to take off the drink and chips. Because I didn’t want to hold the line up further, I just paid. I’ve been back to the deli a few times with friends, but never saw that deli worker again!)

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Deep Ditz Pizza, Part 2

| Working | December 22, 2012

Employee: “Hi, [pizza place], what can I get for you today?”

My Friend: “We’ll have a large pizza with green pepper, tomatoes, and onions. Then, on one side, add olives, and on the other side, add mushrooms.”

Employee: “Okay, so… what do you want on it?”

My Friend: “Er… well, on the entire pizza, we’d like green pepper, tomato, and onion…”

Employee: “Okay.”

My Friend: “Then, on one side, add olives…”

Employee: “Alright.”

My Friend: “…and on the OTHER side, mushrooms.”

(There is a 20 second pause on the other end of the phone while the employee processes this request.)

Employee: “…mushrooms…”

(Of course, when we picked up our pizza, it had mushrooms on the entire thing.)

 

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