Problem Exists Because Of Coffee And Keyboard

| Working | May 1, 2013

(My dad is an IT guy for a large office. One evening, my mother comes in to pick him up.)

Dad: “Sorry, I can’t leave right now.”

Mom: “Oh?”

Dad: “The entire network in the building is down. There is a server in the basement which requires a keyboard, and it has mysteriously vanished.”

Mom: “Alright, I’ll find somewhere to sit down.”

(My mother finds one of my father’s coworkers. He says that since the network is down, he can’t get much work done, so she might as well sit down and have a chat. So she does. Then she notices a keyboard hanging in the open window.)

Mom: “Why do you have a keyboard there?”

Dad’s Coworker: “Oh, I spilled coffee on it. I just put it there to dry.”

Mom: “Then, where did that keyboard come from?”

(My mom points to the keyboard dad’s coworker is currently using.)

Dad’s Coworker: “Oh, I found it in the basement, by the server. Nobody was using it, so I figured I might as well grab it.”

Mom: “…”

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Mismanaged Expectations, Part 9

| Working | April 30, 2013

(I’m waiting at a store’s photo counter to make some corrections. After a few minutes nobody shows up, so I speak to an employee stocking shelves in another department.)

Me: “Excuse me, do you know if there’s anyone who can help me at the photo desk?”

Employee: “I think [name] just went on break. Let me see if there’s anyone else who is photo trained.”

(He makes a call on his radio, and I go back to the photo counter to wait. Ten minutes later, I approach the same employee…)

Me: “Hi, I’m still waiting at the photo desk and nobody’s come to help me. Do you think you could call again?”

Employee: “Yeah, sorry about that. I called [name] to come help, and she said she was on her way.”

(He makes another radio call and I go back to wait at the photo desk. Ten minutes later, I still haven’t seen anyone. I find another employee and ask to speak to a manager. Ten minutes later, a very aggravated manager comes over to me.)

Manager: “Are you the one who demanded to speak to me?”

Me:  “Well, ‘demanded’ is kind of a strong word, but yeah, I did ask to talk to a manager.”

Manager: “What do you want?”

Me: “Well, I’ve been waiting over half an hour to correct an error I had made previously.”

Manager: “What do you want me to do? I can’t do photos.”

Me: “Well, at this point I was just hoping that you, as a manager, could track down one of your employees who’s trained on the photo desk to take care of this for me.”

Manager: *rolls her eyes* “If you just go to the photo desk, somebody should be there.”

Me: “I’ve tried that already. I’ve spent half an hour just trying to get someone to help me.”

Manager: “Fine. You don’t need to be so mouthy with me, young lady.”

Me: “Wha—?”

(She picks up a phone and tells the photo employee to get off of his lunch break.)

Manager: “[Name] will be at the photo desk to help you when you go back there.” *very sarcastically* “Is there anything else I can help you with today, ma’am?”

Me: “Isn’t it legally required for your employees to have certain amounts of time for their lunch breaks?”

Manager: *rolls her eyes and walks away*

(I go back to the photo desk and find an elderly man waiting for me. He couldn’t have been sweeter and I apologized for causing him to get his lunch break shorted.)


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This Boss Needs Work

, , , | Working | April 30, 2013

(I’ve submitted my notice on December 1 that my last day will be December 21st. On the 21st, I come by to turn in my uniform and collect my paycheck. As I do so, I happen to glance at the work schedule for the next week.)

Me: “Hey [boss], why do you have me scheduled to work Christmas Eve?  And Christmas day? And…” *flips page* “….New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day!?”

Boss: “You didn’t ask off!”

Me: “You’re right, I didn’t. Because I quit.”

Boss: “Hey if you don’t want to work a holiday you have to submit your off-time requests EARLY, you KNOW this.”

Me: “No I don’t… because I don’t work here anymore.”

Boss: “Look, if you don’t want to work your shifts, you need to find someone to cover for you!”

Me: “Or what? You’ll fire me?”

Boss: “You bet your butt!”


Boss: “Find someone to cover your shifts if you want to skip work on a holiday. Good luck!”

(I turn to a customer who has been listening.)

Me: “Excuse me sir, will you cover my shift on Christmas Eve?”

Boss: “He doesn’t work here!”


(I then left. She called me, furious, each and every day I was supposed to work, and ended up forcing one of her assistant managers to work the store alone on New Year’s Eve, promising I would be there. The assistant manager called me in tears and begged me to come in. That three hours of work screwed up my taxes for two years because the store manager reported it wrong.)

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I’m Not Tell-apathic

| Working | April 30, 2013

(I’ve quit my job, but tell my boss that I’m willing to be available in an emergency or for extra coverage. I’ve therefore been taken off the regular weekly schedule. However, one day my phone rings about five minutes after the daily shift change.)

Me: “Hello?”

Manager: “Hey, are you on your way?”

Me: “On my way?”

Manager: “Yeah, you’re scheduled to work today.”

Me: “I am?”

Manager: “Yeah… didn’t [assistant manager] tell you?”

Me: “No. I’m in [town 45 minutes away] right now.”

Manager: “Oh man… you’re kidding.”

Me: “I was just leaving, though. I guess I could be there in like an hour.”

Manager: “Oh, great!”

(A few minutes later my phone rings again.)

Manager: “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I called [assistant manager] and told her the importance of letting you know when you’re scheduled to work!”

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Double Talk

| Working | April 30, 2013

(I work with a pair of identical twins for the overstock night shift. They know I’m atheist, so they’ve made it their business to preach their religion at me non-stop.)

Twin #1: “So, [my name], you think about what we said on Tuesday?”

Me: “Not really.”

Twin #1: “Come on, man. This is important stuff.”

Twin #2: “Yeah. You wanna go to h***?”

Me: “Nope.”

Twin #1: “I mean, I just don’t get you.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Twin #1: “If you don’t believe in God, where do you get your morals from?”

Me: “Uh…”

Twin #2: “Yeah. The only way to know right from wrong is with God.”

Me: “I don’t think so.”

Twin #1: “Well, it’s still true, dude. It doesn’t matter what you think.”

Twin #2: “Right. You should… hang on.”

(Twin #2 gets a call on his cell phone and answers it. He turns away from his brother and me but keeps standing there.)

Twin #1: “[My name], dude, do you think murder and rape are okay?”

Me: “No.”

Twin #1: “Well, that’s God, man. The only way you know that stuff is not okay is God.”

Twin #2: *on the phone* “…You picked up my bike okay? No problems getting it? Cool…”

Twin #1: “How about lying? Or stealing? You think it’s okay to do that?”

Me: “No.”

Twin #2: *on the phone* “..You think you could roll back the odometer about 5,000 miles…”

Twin #1: “Well, it was God who said lying and stealing are wrong, man. It’s right there in the Bible.”

Twin #2: *on the phone* “…Yeah, I know. But I’ve got somebody coming out to look at it and he said he didn’t want it if it was too used…”

Twin #1: “So you KNOW that stuff like killing and raping and lying and stealing and being a racist and all that stuff is wrong. How do you explain how that’s wrong without God?”

Twin #2: *on the phone* “…Oh yeah, you think you could paint over the rust on the brakes and the engine block, too? I’m pretty sure I could get at least two grand more out of this guy…”

Twin #1: “God is righteous, [my name]. He’s going to punish people for doing all that stuff. You don’t want to go to Hell, do you?”

Twin #2: *on the phone* “…Also, I think the front tire has a hole in it. No, no, don’t patch it. Just put more air in it. It only has to look full until the guy buys it…”

Me: “Wait, wait, wait. Are you guys listening to each other here?”

Both Twins: “What do you mean?”

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