(My friends walks into a theater and see a hamburger smashed into the floor. They conscientiously decide to go tell a theater employee.)

Friends: “There’s a hamburger on the floor in the theater.”

Usher: “We don’t sell hamburgers.”

Friends: “Well, there’s still one on the floor in there.”

Usher: “But we don’t sell hamburgers.”

(Friends gave up and went back to watch their movie.)

(I work as a kennel assistant at an animal hospital. On this particular day, a stray kitten had been brought in for a health assessment. Vet #1 and one of the vet techs are examining the kitten while I stand by in case they need me to fetch anything else, since it’s been a slow day. Vet #2 enters the treatment room.)

Kitten: *squeaks indignantly*

Vet #1: “Oh, you’re just so cute!”

Vet #2: “Did you just call that thing ‘cute’?”

Vet #1: “He’s very cute!”

Vet Tech: “Eh, he’s a little scruffy-looking.”

Me: “He looks like somebody used him to scrub a toilet.”

Vet #2: “Exactly! That’s exactly what he looks like!”

Vet #1: *leans in and stage-whispers to kitten* “Don’t worry, I think you’re cute.”

(We gave the kitten some food, a flea pill, and a clean bill of health; the person who found the kitten came back later that day, having decided to keep him.)

This story is part of our Homeless Animals roundup!

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Read the Homeless Animals roundup!

(I’ve been getting a lot of telemarketing calls on my cell phone even though I’m on the ‘“do not call” list. As annoyed as I am about it, most of the time I simply state that I don’t have student loans, or I don’t have credit cards, or simply that I want to be put on their “do not call” lists. Usually they’re pretty nice about it as long as I’m polite to them. This chap from one of the solar power companies, however… Well, he took the cake and pushed my last button.)

Solar Guy: *goes through his five-minute spiel* “So, are you interested?”

Me: “No, sorry. I don’t own my home; I’m a renter.”

Solar Guy: “Yeah, sure. That’s what they all say. If you’re not interested just say you’re not interested. You don’t have to lie.”

Me: “Dude! I have a 400 credit score. I couldn’t get a loan for a used [marital aid] much less a house!”

Solar Guy: *click*

I work at a large multi-national company. The culture there is that if you needed to communicate with someone, no matter if they were in your time-zone or not, you picked up the phone and called.

One evening, after I have gone home for the day, the phone rings. It is my manager, who lives and works in Australia. He is calling me, after hours, at home, to tell me that someone is going to call me, the next week, to talk with me about something. After I hang up, I tell my roommate about the call and say: “I think that an email would have been more practical and a lot less expensive.”

To this day, I have no idea what they (whoever was supposed to call) were going to talk to me about because they never did call.

(The phone rings, and one of our field workers’ names flashes on my screen. I take the call.)

Me: “Hello.”

Colleague: *talking to someone else* “…doing f*** all. [My Name]! Sorry! Can I speak to [Office Worker]?”

Me: *laughing* “Sure, one second.”

(I transfer the call and hang up. He calls back ten minutes later to speak to someone else.)

Me: “Hello.”

Colleague: “Hi, [My Name]. I won’t swear at you this time. Did you hear that?”

Me: “Yes, just the curse. Nothing else.” *laughs again* “Hasn’t been the first time: won’t be the last!”

Colleague: “I do apologise!”

(I transferred him again, but he sounded so embarrassed that it brightened up my Friday afternoon!)