Just Grit And Bear It

| Lake Bluff, IL, USA | Working | April 26, 2012

(I go to my local superstore in search of sandpaper to fix a door frame. I spot an employee putting away groceries.)

Me: “Hi…where can I find sandpaper?”

Employee: *confused* “…Papaya?”

Me: “No, no. Sandpaper, for making things smooth.”

Employee: *confused* “Computer?”

Me: *giving up* “Thanks, I’ll try and find it myself.”

Employee: *sudden look of comprehension* “Shelf!”

Dementia In Absentia

, , | St. Michaels, MD, USA | Working | April 26, 2012

(The owner of the place isn’t all quite there — too much to drink some days — and hardly knows how to run a business. Every day, she calls in to check on business.)

Me: *answering the phone* “Welcome to [Store]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Owner: *sounds hungover* “[My Name]? When did you start working?”

Me: “I’ve been here since we opened at seven am.”

Owner: “What time is it now?”

Me: “Almost 11.”

Owner: “Okay, I’ll be in around noon.”

(Noon rolls by and she doesn’t show up until around six pm.)

Owner: “Sorry, I’m late. I had to do errands.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Well, I’m almost finished cleaning up and then I’ll be leaving.”

Owner: “That’s fine.”

(The owner pulls out a bottle of rum hidden in the freezer, grabs a cake from the cooler, and then empties out the register.)

Owner: “I’m going home now. See you tomorrow.”

Me: “All right. I’ll lock up when I’m done.”

(I finish cleaning up by seven pm and just before I lock up, my cellphone rings. It shows my boss on the caller ID.)

Me: “Hi, [Boss], I’m leaving now.”

Owner: “On your way home can you drop me off my bottle of rum, maybe a cake, and tell me how much money is in the drawer?”

Me: “Uh, when you stopped by earlier, you took the rum, the cake, and the money.”

Owner: “No, I didn’t!”

Me: “Yes, you did. You put your money in your pocket, and took the bottle of rum and the cake to your car.”

Owner: “I swear you stole it! I’m going to call the cops and they’ll be arriving the same time that I get there!”

Me: “I swear that you stopped by and picked up the rum, your cake, and the money from the register not even an hour ago.”

(I hear a car door open in the background, followed by a string of swears.)

Me: “I take it you found what you were looking for?”

Owner: *flustered* “You lucked out this time! I found the cake and the money, but the bottle of rum is empty and sitting on the passenger seat of my car!”

Me: “Did you drink it on your way home? I don’t think the cops would have appreciated that.”

Owner: *click*

(I closed up shop, left my key, and never returned to work after that!)

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The Type Of Wipe Can Make One Gripe

| Carbondale, IL, USA | Working | April 26, 2012

(I’m a male customer at the local retail superstore. Having just had an unfortunate experience in the bathroom, I inform the employee at the service desk that there is no toilet paper.)

Me: “There is no toilet paper in the restroom.”

Employee: “The men’s restroom?”

Me: “Well, I certainly wouldn’t have been in the women’s restroom.”

Employee: “You don’t have to take that tone with me, sir.”

Me: “You’d take the same tone if you had to use your sock.”

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Very Little IQ

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | Working | April 26, 2012

Employee: “Welcome to [restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Me: “I’d like a large Cherry Coke with very little ice, please.”

Employee: “Okay, that will be $1.87, please.”

Me: “Here you go.”

Employee: “$0.13 is your change.”

Me: “Thank you.”

(Before filling my drink, the employee opens the ice reservoir, looks in and gets a puzzled look on his face.)

Employee: “I don’t think I can make the ice any smaller.”

Me: “I meant a very small amount of ice.”

Employee: “Oh, thank goodness. I didn’t know what to do!”

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Have It Our Way

, | Australia | Working | April 26, 2012

Employee: “What drink would you like?”

Me: “I’d like a lemonade, please.”

Employee: “Okay, I’ll go get it for you.”

Me: “Okay.”

(The employee disappears around the corner to get my drink. Meanwhile, a slightly overweight man with a tag reading “Manager” comes along.)

Manager: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Me: “I’m being served already. You don’t need to serve me.”

Manager: “No.”

Me: “Sorry? No? Oh, well…um…I guess you can watch?”

(At this point, an employee comes back with a can of soda.)

Me: “Oh, no, sorry. I said lemonade.”

Employee: “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you said [Soda]! I’ll go and get you another drink.”

(The employee disappears around the corner again. Meanwhile, she has left the soda on the counter.)

Manager: “This is why I’m fat!” *grabs the soda and drinks it in one big gulp* “So, what drink would you like?”

Me: “Um, I’m already being served.”

Manager: “What drink would you like?”

Me: “I’m already being served.”

Manager: “I said, what drink would you like?!”

Me: “I said, I’m already being served!”

Manager: *angrily* “WHAT DRINK WOULD YOU LIKE?!”

Me: “I am being served.”

Manager: “OH! YOU’RE BEING SERVED!”

(When the employee came back with my lemonade, the cup was disturbingly warm to the touch. Giving up, I left the restaurant, only to open up the cup later and find out it wasn’t even lemonade—it was some sort of slimy gunk.)

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