The company that I work for has a Japanese client.

One of the employees for the Japanese company sent us an e-mail and signed her name, which also happens to be a common Japanese word, beginning with the letter ‘S’. Our CEO responded to the e-mail (with a sizable portion of the company CC’d onto it), and tried typing the employee’s name into his iPhone.

Unfortunately, his keyboard auto-corrected the unfamiliar word, and chose the closest recognizable thing.

Thus, half the company, and our Japanese client, received an email ending in, “Thank you, Samurai.”

(For a period of time, I keep getting repeated phone calls from gambling companies. They tell me that I have participated but won nothing, so they want to put me into a special drawing with a higher chance, or that my participation is about to end and I need to choose to continue or drop out. Note that I have never participated in anything. I get tired of this and start to mess with them. Note that I usually recognize them by their phone numbers.)

Me: “[Lottery] customer care. My name is David. How can I help you?”

Scammer: “Hello, this is [Gambling Company]. Am I talking to [My Name]?”

Me: “No, this is David from [Lottery] customer care. Are you inquiring about our new program? We guarantee a 90% win chance of at least 100€ if you participate for at least three months at 60€ per month.”

Scammer: *click*

Scammer: *does a standard spiel about me participating and so on*

Me: “First of all, I did not participate in…”

Scammer: “What did you participate in?” *Note that she uses “du”, a personal form of address which is usually reserved for family members and friends.*

Me: “For one thing, I’d appreciate you calling me ‘sie’ (formal form of address which would be appropriate) instead of ‘du’. Also…”

Scammer: “Who cares what I call you, you a**h***? Get lost, you…” *click*

Me: “Oy…”

Scammer: “Greetings, I’m calling on behalf of…”

Me: “SARAH! Is that you?!? Where have you been?!? We’ve been worried sick! You are so grounded, young lady!”

Scammer: “Uh… hello? This is not Sarah, this is…”

Me: “Wait, Michael, is that you?!? I told you I don’t want you around my daughter! She’s only 15! If she is not home within the hour, I will call the police and have your a** arrested for child molestation!”

Scammer: “No, I’m just… F*** this!” *click*

(I decide to try something I read on NotAlwaysRight.)

Me: *in a childish voice* “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hello? Who am I talking to?”

Me: “Tommy.”

Scammer: “Hello, Tommy, are your parents home?”

Me: “Daddy’s at work.”

Scammer: “And your mommy?”

Me: “She’s in the bedroom.”

Scammer: “I would like to talk to her.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll get her.”

(I wait for a moment.)

Me: “She’s in the bedroom with Mr. Meier, our neighbor. The door’s locked and they’re making funny noises.”

Scammer: “Call your daddy and tell him. That w**** deserves it!” *click*

Scammer: “Hello, I’m [Name], calling on behalf of [Gambling Company]. Am I talking to [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes?”

Scammer: “Mr. [My Name], I have great news for you! You participated in [Lottery] and your name was drawn! You are eligible for prizes of up to 10 million €!”

Me: “What! Really?!”

Scammer: “Yes! Isn’t that great?”

Me: “Fantastic!” *holding the phone to the side as if I was shouting to someone else* “Hey, Christina! Guess what! We just won 10 million € in the lottery! Get dressed; we’re going out! And we’re getting that necklace! And the ring! What? Who cares about the price! We’re millionaires now!” *back on the phone* “Man, this is so great! We can finally get a car and move out of this dump! You just made my life!”

Scammer: *click*

(I work in an architect’s office. It’s my second to last day in the office before leaving. When I told my boss I was going to leave the company to go back to school, he tried to convince me to stay, and even offered me a raise and a permanent position in the company. But since I’m only 20 and I’ve always dreamed of being self-employed, I’m determined to leave while I still don’t have a family to support and so on. I’m still sorting some of the last things out when my boss comes into my office with three full binders.)

Boss: “Hey, [My Name], I was wondering whether you’d like to start [Important New Project]?”

Me: “Sure, I could. But you do realize tomorrow is my last day right? This task could take three to four weeks, and if I start it’d take [Coworker] almost as long to work his way into it as if he just started it himself.”

Boss: “I know. But still. You’re such a perfectionist, and this project is really important. Plus, if you stay overtime I’m willing to pay you off. If you’re going back to school, you’ll be happy you made some extra cash.”

Me: “Okay, if you insist. But let me run it by [Coworker], just so he knows.”

([Boss] leaves, not seeming happy. A few minutes later, before starting, I go to said coworker’s office.)

Me: “Hey, [Boss] wants me to start [Project]. Since I’m leaving tomorrow, you’d have to take over. Are you okay with that?”

Coworker: “Wow, he’s seriously trying to pull this off?!”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Coworker: “He thinks he can force you to stay if he takes advantage of your work ethics. I asked him about [Project] a week ago, but he said he wanted you to do it. When I told him that you’ll be leaving soon, he explained to me that he thinks you’d have to stay if he only floods you with some important tasks. Just let me do the project and finish up. Good luck in school, by the way.”

(Needless to say, his strategy didn’t work. I left on time, and in a few weeks I’m starting my own business.)

(My dad was a church pastor for years, and this is one of his favorite stories about not letting what you see fool you. The chairman of our church board is an old, widowed, retired pastor who, in his retirement, has acquired several businesses and made them moderately successful. This means he drives very nice luxury cars from [High End German Brand]. However, he’s taken a liking to the styling of a new [High End American Brand] sedan, and decides one day to stop into his local dealer and test drive one. He’s just finished mowing his very large yard, and as such, is dressed the part: cutoff jean shorts, a somewhat grimy T-shirt, and grass-stained tennis shoes. He pulls up in his work truck and enters the showroom. He waits for thirty minutes before anyone even acknowledges his presence. He approaches the reception desk and asks to talk to a salesman.)

Reception: “I think they’re all with other customers, sir.”

(He looks around, sees several sitting in their offices, drinking coffee, reading, or otherwise NOT with customers. He begins to figure this out.)

Chairman: “That’s okay, ma’am. I’ll just look around a bit.”

(He looks around, finds the sedan he’s interested in, and manages to get a salesman to talk to him for a few seconds.)

Salesman: “Yes, sir, that’s a fine automobile. Just started getting those in last week. Here’s a brochure and my card. When you’re ready to pick one up, give me a call.” *He then walks away.*

([Chairman] leaves and goes home. He showers, shaves, and puts on a suit. Then he drives back up to the dealer in his [High End German Luxury Car] and parks. He doesn’t make it to the door before three salesmen are trying to corral him. He stops them.)

Chairman: “I’m here to see [Salesman].” *holding up the business card he was given*

(They dutifully go and get [Salesman]. [Chairman] greets him warmly and shakes his hand and asks how he’s been since they’ve talked last. The salesman looks puzzled.)

Salesman: “Have we met? I know you have my card, but I don’t think we’ve met…”

Chairman: “We sure did, not 90 minutes ago. I was the old guy in cutoff jean shorts who was prepared to drop fifty thousand bucks on that car in your showroom. Remember me now?”

(The salesman’s jaw dropped and he stammered out that he did, indeed, remember. [Chairman] sat down with him and his sales manager, they had a long talk, and much discounting of the sale price of the car went on. Finally, [Chairman] stood up, thanked them for their time, and walked out, without the car. He drove thirty extra miles to buy it from a competing dealer, who, when he showed up there in his cutoffs and grass-stained shoes, immediately offered him a seat and a cold drink, asked him how they could assist him, and got him a salesman in less than five minutes. He’s driven that brand ever since.)

(I’ve interviewed a series of candidates for a position. One young guy comes in with no real experience, but he is really keen, and he mentions that he is just looking for a chance to prove himself and that he is really excited to have a “real” job apart from part time. He interviews well and we agree to give him a chance on a junior role. He gets his offer letter and we wait to hear from him about confirming his start date. He doesn’t respond after a day or two so I give him a call.)

Me: “This is [My Name]. We were hoping you would be able to confirm your start date. Did you get the letter?”

Candidate: “Sorry, I did, but my boss wasn’t in today, so I couldn’t sort it out.”

Me: “Okay, well, please let me know tomorrow where we stand.”

Candidate: “I will, thank you.”

(The next day comes and goes, and I have to ring him again.)

Me: “This is [My Name]. We haven’t heard from you today. We need to set up your computer and induction. What is happening?”

Candidate: “I’m sorry. I wanted to leave on [date we asked him to], but I didn’t put my notice in writing. I’m speaking to my boss tomorrow to sort it all out.”

Me: “Okay, we need to make a move here. We have plans in place and are keen to get you started. You were originally supposed to start [next week]. We need to know where we stand as this is urgent for us.”

Candidate: “Okay. I promise I will ring you tomorrow.”

(When he doesn’t ring the next day, I’m too busy in a meeting to get back to him. Instead, the day after, I call and get no response. I call the agency who sent his CV in and they can’t get hold of him. After a week of nothing [and a need to get someone employed urgently], we withdraw our offer in writing. A full week passes before he calls and gets my voicemail.)

Candidate: “What’s going on? I just got this letter. I told you I was sorting it out. It was only going to be a few more weeks. You’re just like [Other Company]. You suck.”

(Something told me he wasn’t ready for a “real job” yet.)

This story is part of the second Job Interview roundup!

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