(I took over the last three months of a girl’s flat-share, sharing with one other girl. This ended a couple of months ago, and I was told I could expect to receive my security deposit two to four weeks after moving. About a month after I move out, I realise that I haven’t heard from them regarding it. I call up to find out what the issue is.)

Letting agent: “We’re waiting to receive proof that all the bills have been paid.”

(Since I only lived there for a few months, my housemate had all the bills in her name, so I text her.)

Ex-Housemate: “[Electricity Provider] are messing me about. I’ll chase them.”

(After a few weeks of chasing her to chase [Electricity Provider], she changed her story.)

Ex-Housemate: “I’ve sent them the confirmation code stating that I’ve made a payment, but they’re refusing to accept that.”

Me: “Of course they’re refusing, that just means you’ve paid them some money, not that the balance is zero.”

Ex-Housemate: “Anyway, I’ve spoken to Trading Standards, and they say they have no right to ask for proof of bills. I’m going to take legal action against them.”

Me: “Actually, they have complete right to ask for proof. It’s even written into our contracts. Can’t you just send them proof?”

Ex-Housemate: “Oh, they still haven’t sent it to me.”

(Fed up, I decided to contact the Deposit Protection Scheme. In the UK, landlords are legally required to protect your deposit using a DPS. I call the letting agency to find out what company they used and the reference number, then call the DPS, intending to find out what I can do if my flatmate is willfully withholding the information needed to get my deposit back.)

DPS: “Sorry, your name isn’t on that account, so I can’t discuss it with you.”

Me: “Let me guess. Are the names [Ex-Housemate] and [Girl I Replaced]?”

DPS: “Yes, they are. Sorry, they should have filled a change of tenancy form when you moved in. I can’t discuss this with you any further.”

(Not protecting my deposit means I can claim compensation of one to three times the amount of the deposit, plus full return of the deposit. I call the letting agency back.)

Me: “So, I’ve found out that my deposit wasn’t protected. As such, you’ve been holding my money for the past five months. If you return it now, I won’t claim compensation.”

Letting Agency: “We’ve already decided to release the funds. Our accountant is away until Tuesday, but we’ll process it then.”

(Tuesday comes. I call up and ask them to process it, and give them my bank details, and am told to wait a week or so for funds to clear. All the while, my ex-housemate is texting me asking if I’ll help her press charges for asking for proof of payment. The following week, no money has appeared, so I call back.)

Letting Agency: “Oh, we can’t release those funds, we haven’t received proof that the bills have been paid.”

Me: “We discussed this. You have not protected my deposit. I do not have to prove anything because it doesn’t qualify as a deposit. Please release the funds.”

(This is the line that really got me:)

Letting Agency: “It was protected… just not in your name.”

Me: *through gritted teeth* “Do you understand how this works? They won’t speak to me about it. If I try to resolve it through them, I can’t go anywhere. I tried to talk to them, actually because I thought [Ex-Housemate] was messing me around, but I literally can’t. It’s an insurance based DPS, and they won’t pay out any insurance to someone not named on the file. My deposit was NOT protected.”

Letting Agency: “Um… My manager isn’t in, he needs to approve it.”

Me: “Well, you’re going to need to contact someone with authority, because if you haven’t sorted this by the end of the day, I’m going to start the process to claim compensation.”

(Luckily half an hour later, they call back to say they’ve gotten it approved. I think the matter is closed, but then… a few hours later the letting agency calls.)

Letting Agency: “It seems that your housemate is two months behind on rent. My manager is refusing the release the deposit until her rent is paid up.”

Me: *explodes* “My deposit is not protected! You have no right to withhold it for any reason! It is not my problem that [Ex-Housemate] is two months behind on rent, because you did not protect it.”

Letting Agency: “Sorry, but my manager is holding firm.”

Me: “Fine. I will be claiming compensation.”

(I texted my housemate, and unbelievably she owned up to not paying the rent, and paid it. The letting agency told me that they processed my deposit and to expect it within a week. Later that week, I received a cheque [so no idea why they asked for my bank details], for less than half of my deposit. They still seemed to have no idea that they couldn’t legally deduct anything from it, BECAUSE IT’S NOT A DEPOSIT! I was planning on claiming compensation, but according to my lawyer they normally cave in before it reaches court, but after you have to pay legal costs, so it’s not really worth it. SO MUCH ANGER.)

(I am walking through the centre aisle of the supermarket when a colleague screams out:)

Colleague: “NO! I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU!”

(I run to the aisle and make it just as security arrives as well. The colleague is shaking and the man is staring at her completely confused. The man is escorted to a secure area while the police are called, and the colleague is taken to the staff room. I go into the administration office with the other managers on duty. We check the footage to see if anything was caught. We see him walk up to the colleague and ask a question, she then slaps him and shouts. Moments later I appear. We go into the staff room to see how the colleague is doing. She has calmed down a bit.)

Colleague: “Is the man all right?”

Me: “Is HE all right?”

Colleague: “I don’t want him to get in trouble.”

Me: “But he solicited you!”

Colleague: *starting to cry* “NO! He… he asked me where the bolognese sauce was, and I panicked…”

Manager: “So, you accused him of coming on to you?”

Colleague: “I PANICKED!”

(I got a call on my phone from security that we needed to come out. There was a woman screaming in the background. We all went out as the police arrived. The man appeared to have been beaten, admittedly by his wife, who was being held on the other side of the room. We explained the situation and the wife fainted at the revelation. Everyone was allowed to leave, but we requested that our colleague apologise for the confusion. She refused, and I apologised for her. Our colleague had worked with us for several years at that point and we had never had a problem. She had an anxiety disorder, but was adamant that she was fine. It happened another two times [one where she actually screamed “rape” after an elderly gentleman asked if she could check an expiry date], before she admitted she had stopped taking her medication; the reason being that she was nervous to submit the repeat prescription. We offered her paid leave while she got herself sorted out, but after a month she handed in her notice.)

(I have been vomiting all morning and decide I am not well enough for work. I phone in sick.)

Me: “Hi, it’s [My Name]. I’ve been throwing up all morning and I’m not going to be able to come in.”

Manager: “Aww, that’s a poor excuse.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Manager: “Can’t you come up with something more exciting?”

Me: “Like what? I’ve just chest-burst a Xenomorph and now I’m fleeing for my life as Spock and Jack O’Neill try to kill it?”

Manager: “Oooooooh, sounds dangerous! When’s your next shift?”

Me: “Monday. Hopefully I’ll be better by then.”

Manager: “Perfect! Good luck with the aliens, and let me know if you need the Millennium Falcon to drop by!” *hangs up*

Me: *speechless*

(I asked about it when I got back, and learned it’s a game that management plays. Whoever comes up with the best excuse in the year gets vouchers to use in the store, and as this was my first time being sick, I didn’t know. Sadly I only got second place that year, but now I keep a book of outlandish stories that I make up, so the next time, I’m ready!)

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The company that I work for has a Japanese client.

One of the employees for the Japanese company sent us an e-mail and signed her name, which also happens to be a common Japanese word, beginning with the letter ‘S’. Our CEO responded to the e-mail (with a sizable portion of the company CC’d onto it), and tried typing the employee’s name into his iPhone.

Unfortunately, his keyboard auto-corrected the unfamiliar word, and chose the closest recognizable thing.

Thus, half the company, and our Japanese client, received an email ending in, “Thank you, Samurai.”

(For a period of time, I keep getting repeated phone calls from gambling companies. They tell me that I have participated but won nothing, so they want to put me into a special drawing with a higher chance, or that my participation is about to end and I need to choose to continue or drop out. Note that I have never participated in anything. I get tired of this and start to mess with them. Note that I usually recognize them by their phone numbers.)

Me: “[Lottery] customer care. My name is David. How can I help you?”

Scammer: “Hello, this is [Gambling Company]. Am I talking to [My Name]?”

Me: “No, this is David from [Lottery] customer care. Are you inquiring about our new program? We guarantee a 90% win chance of at least 100€ if you participate for at least three months at 60€ per month.”

Scammer: *click*

Scammer: *does a standard spiel about me participating and so on*

Me: “First of all, I did not participate in…”

Scammer: “What did you participate in?” *Note that she uses “du”, a personal form of address which is usually reserved for family members and friends.*

Me: “For one thing, I’d appreciate you calling me ‘sie’ (formal form of address which would be appropriate) instead of ‘du’. Also…”

Scammer: “Who cares what I call you, you a**h***? Get lost, you…” *click*

Me: “Oy…”

Scammer: “Greetings, I’m calling on behalf of…”

Me: “SARAH! Is that you?!? Where have you been?!? We’ve been worried sick! You are so grounded, young lady!”

Scammer: “Uh… hello? This is not Sarah, this is…”

Me: “Wait, Michael, is that you?!? I told you I don’t want you around my daughter! She’s only 15! If she is not home within the hour, I will call the police and have your a** arrested for child molestation!”

Scammer: “No, I’m just… F*** this!” *click*

(I decide to try something I read on NotAlwaysRight.)

Me: *in a childish voice* “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hello? Who am I talking to?”

Me: “Tommy.”

Scammer: “Hello, Tommy, are your parents home?”

Me: “Daddy’s at work.”

Scammer: “And your mommy?”

Me: “She’s in the bedroom.”

Scammer: “I would like to talk to her.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll get her.”

(I wait for a moment.)

Me: “She’s in the bedroom with Mr. Meier, our neighbor. The door’s locked and they’re making funny noises.”

Scammer: “Call your daddy and tell him. That w**** deserves it!” *click*

Scammer: “Hello, I’m [Name], calling on behalf of [Gambling Company]. Am I talking to [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes?”

Scammer: “Mr. [My Name], I have great news for you! You participated in [Lottery] and your name was drawn! You are eligible for prizes of up to 10 million €!”

Me: “What! Really?!”

Scammer: “Yes! Isn’t that great?”

Me: “Fantastic!” *holding the phone to the side as if I was shouting to someone else* “Hey, Christina! Guess what! We just won 10 million € in the lottery! Get dressed; we’re going out! And we’re getting that necklace! And the ring! What? Who cares about the price! We’re millionaires now!” *back on the phone* “Man, this is so great! We can finally get a car and move out of this dump! You just made my life!”

Scammer: *click*