(I am talking to a health-conscious senior coworker who is Russian. She can speak decent English but still has an accent.)

Coworker: “[Manager] gave me a kitty cat, but I feel so guilty eating it.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Coworker: “I prefer the dark chocolate kind since they’re healthier.”

Me: “Did you mean ‘KIT-KAT’?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I call Kit-Kats ‘Kitty-Kats.’”

This story is part of our Wordplay roundup!

Read the next Wordplay roundup story!

Read the Wordplay roundup!

(We monitor closed circuit television for various highrise blocks in our city. One of our blocks is almost entirely enclosed inside a high fence with two vehicle gates. One is to enter and is security fob accessible, and one is to exit, and automatically opens when you drive up to it from the inside. Unfortunately, this exit gate is extremely temperamental and breaks down at the slightest gust of wind. There is a reset button near the gates, but this can be as temperamental as the gates themselves. We also have wardens that we can dispatch to any of our blocks. On this instance, our gates have failed again, but the onsite staff has already notified us. Two of our wardens are on site, but are both quite new. They are, however, very eager and very hands-on. This conversation takes place over radio.)

Warden: “We just wanted to let you know that the vehicle exit gates have failed. Is there anything that can be done?”

Me: “The only thing we can do is to phone [Repairs] and report it. You could try the reset button.”

Warden: “Is that [location of button]? Will that do anything, though?”

Me: “Well, you can try it. The worst thing that will happen is nothing at all.”

(At this point, we can see them pressing the button on the camera and I feel a bit mischievous.)

Me: “Yeah. You’ll have to test it by pretending to be a car.”

(I could watch what they do next all day, but I quickly put them out of their misery.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I mean you’ll have to test it with a car.”

(It did resolve the issue, but I will forever have the memory of our two new wardens jumping up and down in front of the gates doing star jumps trying to get the gates open.)

(It has been cold for a few weeks now, and our university has already shut down once due to ice and snow. My department works for the university, and shuts down when the school does. There is more snow on the weather forecast for today.)

Coworker: *peering out the window* “There’s the snow! Finally.”

Supervisor #1: “All right! Who’s up for some day drinking? We can go to [on-campus Pub] just like last time we shut down early.”

Supervisor #2: *pulls a bottle of what looks like champagne from underneath his desk*

Supervisor #1: “Oh! You’re so prepared!”

(I’ve been diagnosed with endometriosis, and I’m referred to a specialist for a consult to do a hysterectomy. It’s a very painful condition where the lining of the uterus grows outside of the uterus. My appointment is made on a Friday, and it is set for a Wednesday. Wednesday morning, I call to try and reschedule due to a snowstorm, but I’m told that I have to wait for three weeks to get another appointment. I drive the 45 miles in a snowstorm, losing control of my car once and almost getting hit by another car. My appointment is set for 9:20 in the morning, and I manage to get there at 9:00. Right as I pull in, I get a call.)

Worker: “Hi, is this [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes.”

Worker: “Hi! This is [Name] with the clinic. We did some digging, and we can’t take your insurance.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Worker: “I’m very sorry, but we do have other resources for you if you would like.”

Me: “Well, I would like them, but first I need to speak to your supervisor.”

Worker: “Why?”

Me: “This appointment was made Friday. If my insurance wasn’t accepted, why didn’t I get a call Friday night, at any point on Monday, yesterday, or today when I tried to reschedule the appointment? Instead I get to your location, after I almost get into two accidents, just to be told that I can’t be seen today? I need to speak to a supervisor.”

Worker: “Ma’am, I need you to remain calm; otherwise, I will be forced to terminate the call.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m very calm. But I need to speak to your supervisor.”

Worker: “I’m sorry, but I’m forced to terminate this call.” *hangs up on me*

(At this point, I’m livid. I call back and ask to speak to a supervisor. After being transferred three different times, I’m transferred to the right woman. I explain to her the entire situation and she is silent the entire time. When I finish:)

Supervisor: “Miss, I am so sorry. I will find you a clinic that will take your insurance, and I will pull strings to get you in as soon as possible. You should have been notified right away that you would not be able to be seen, and this is incredibly unprofessional.”

(The supervisor did help me get my appointment, so hopefully, soon I will be able to get the hysterectomy that I need.)

(I’ve recently taken a job as a secretary after the person who previously held the position was let go for less than stellar performance. My new boss seems like a demanding person, but I quickly come to realize that his expectations are low. It leads to several conversations like this one:)

Boss: “[My Name], I wanted to let you know I was very impressed with how you handled things while I was traveling.”

Me: *confused because it was very quiet while he was gone* “Uh, thank you?”

Boss: “That email you sent out, you know, when you rearranged a phone call. That was excellent!”

(A task like that would be very basic for someone new to the job. Having several years of experience, I’m completely baffled that someone would bring it up at all.)

Me: “I… You know that’s routine, right? Thank you, but it was just an email.”

Boss: “No, seriously, the way you handled that was very professional. And… Now you’re looking at me like I’m crazy because I’m praising you for something you think should go without saying.”

Me: “Sorry! I love positive feedback; who doesn’t? I’m just confused.”

Boss: “Just let me enjoy this for a bit.”

(Later, he walks by my office as I’m about to finish my last task for the day.)

Boss: “[My Name], what are you still doing here? Shouldn’t you be going home?”

Me: “My shift ended two minutes ago. It’s fine; I’m just sending out that request for information before I leave.”

Boss: “But you could leave that until tomorrow morning.”

Me: “Sure, but you said we need the reply by tomorrow afternoon. If I send it out tomorrow, how much do you want to bet that there will be someone who complains because half a day isn’t enough time to send us a yes or no reply?”

(I’m looking at my screen as I say this, but my boss goes so quiet that I look up and see him staring at me.)

Me: “Everything all right?”

Boss: “I’m not going to say anything, because then you’ll get that expression again as if you’re wondering if I’ve lost my mind. Just… That’s why I hired you. Please stay.”