From Merely Nosy To Way Too Cozy

| Enid, Oklahoma, USA | Working | August 8, 2012

(My husband and I have driven to a gas station to buy some batteries.)

Employee #1: “Are you two married?”

Me: *nods affirmatively*

Employee #1: “How long have y’all been married?”

Me: *smiling* “Almost a year!”

Employee #1: “Aww! Are y’all from here?”

Husband: “No.”

Employee #1: “How long have you guys lived here?”

Me: “Since last June.”

Employee #1: “Where are you originally from?”

Husband: “Florida.”

Employee #1: “Really? Where in Florida?”

Employee #2: “He’s really nosy, sorry!”

Me: “Near Tampa.”

Employee #1: “Why the h*** did you come all the way out here?!”

Husband: “We’re stationed here with the Air Force.”

Employee #1: “Oh, I gotcha. Do you guys have any kids?”

Husband: “No way!”

Me: “Not yet.”

Employee #1: “Do you want any?”

Me: “Eventually, yes.”

Employee #2: *motions to Employee #1* “He really wants kids!”

Employee #1: “Well, if you ever have an ‘oops’ baby, you could always give it to me!”

(At this point, Employee #2 finally finishes our transaction.)

Me: “Yeah… if we ever need to get rid of a baby, we’ll know to give it to the guy at the gas station on Highway 81.”

(We ran out after that.)

Never Lose Faith

| Working | August 8, 2012

The League Of Extraordinary Diversity

| Florida, USA | Working | August 7, 2012

(I recently moved to Florida from Scotland, making me a legal immigrant. I’ve gotten a temporary job working at a supermarket just so I have some money to keep me going. I’m also a very upfront person, and I speak my mind regardless of who it is I’m speaking to. I’m also gay but not camp. First week on the job, I’m assigned to a more senior employee for training. This happens a few days after I start.)

Coworker: “I’m glad to see you’re getting this so quickly. It’s good to see that there are still people who know how to work.”

Me: “Thanks!”

Coworker: “I’m just glad the job didn’t go to some immigrant. I’m sick of them taking all our jobs.”

Me: *laughs* “You’re kidding, right?”

Coworker: “No, I can’t stand immigrants!”

Me: “I’M an immigrant!”

Coworker: “No you’re not!”

Me: “I am. I’m not American; I’m Scottish. I come from another country… only two weeks ago in fact. I’ve come into your country and taken one of ‘your’ jobs, so that makes me one of those immigrants you don’t like.”

Coworker: “Well, yeah, but you’re not what I meant…”

Me: “Whatever.”

(Two days later…)

Coworker: “Look at those f**s over there. It’s not natural.”

Me: *laughs again* “What? You can’t honestly be saying that to me!”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “I’m gay!”

Coworker: “No, you’re not!”

Me: “I think I would know better than you!”

Coworker: “But you don’t look or sound it!”

Me: “Oh, really? Well, if you must know, it’s a big conspiracy. There is a League of Gay Immigrants who don’t look or act act gay or look like immigrants, and we’re taking over your country one job at a time. It’ll take some time, but we’re getting there!”

Coworker: *distraught* “You are what’s wrong with this country. People like you are bringing this country down!”

Me: *joking* “Well, we’re just taking back what you took from us! Give America back to Britain and you’ll be spared!”

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Too Punny For Words

| Hollywood, CA, USA | Working | August 7, 2012

(Note: I am notorious for making puns. This happens at an industry conference, and about half the office is staying in a hotel to cover the latest movie news. I have not quite woken up.)

Boss: “[My name], wake up! The new trailer for Spiderman has just been posted, and we need to do a post about it, quick!”

Me: *still in bed* “Has [competitor] updated their site with the trailer?”

Boss: “No, not yet.”

Me: *jumps out of bed* “Then at least we’re not TRAILING behind them!”

Boss: “You’re lucky you’re a good writer, or I’d fire you on the spot for that.”

It Was Nacho Best Moment

| New York, USA | Working | August 7, 2012

(I am a customer at a local theme park, but I know many of the employees. A friend of mine is working concessions near the front gate, so my brother and I stop to say hi. My friend is a very flamboyant and, at times, undisciplined character, but he’s usually harmless.)

Employee: “I almost got fired this morning.”

Me: “Why?”

Employee: “I threw cheese on a customer.”

Me: “Why would you do that?!”

Employee: “This woman comes up to me for a drink and she’s like, real mad, and she throws her drink on me! So, I’m like, would you like your cheese?” and I throw the nacho cheese on her.”

Me: “Good Lord!”

Employee: “So, they called us both down to the office and asked what we were thinking, and I said, ‘She threw her drink on me, and I don’t take crap like that, so I grew the cheese on her.’ And we both look at each other and just say, ‘I’m sorry.’ So, I got a new uniform and it was just nonsense.”

My Brother: *points at the nachos* “Just remind me not to stand near you with that!”

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