Diagnostics Without Prognostication Equals Hysterics Without Pacification

| Ecuador | Working | April 28, 2013

(The internet isn’t working in the building. My coworker is trying to fix the problem when I receive this call.)

Secretary: “The internet isn’t working!”

Me: “We know. We are trying to fix the problem right now.”

Secretary: “Can you tell me when it is going to work again?”

Me: “Sorry, but no, we are not sure where is the source of the problem. However, we are doing everything we can to solve the problem as soon as possible.”

Secretary: “But tell me when it’s going to work again.”

Me: “I don’t know. It can’t be long.”

Secretary: “I need to know when the internet is going to be working. Why don’t you tell me?”

Me: “I can’t tell you because if the problem isn’t solved, you are going to call us again asking why it is still not working. Please be patient.”

Secretary: “Tell me when the internet is going to work again!”

Me: “…The internet is coming back in five minutes.”

Secretary: “Really?”

Me: “No. I don’t know when the service will be back.”

Secretary: “Why you didn’t tell me that from the beginning?!”

Eeny, Meeny, Miny, No

| Norway | Working | April 27, 2013

(I live in Norway and speak Norwegian, but my English proficiency is better. When I get calls from telemarketers, I like to ask them to speak English as it scares most of them away and saves me from needless conversation.)

Telemarketer: “Hi! This is [name] from [TV provider]. May I ask what TV provider you have?

Me: “Yes, we use [competitor]. And could I please ask you to speak English?”

(To my surprise, he is not taken aback at all.)

Telemarketer: “Yes! I looooooooooooooooove speaking English! I love talking to new people and having new experiences!”

Me: “Okay.”

Telemarketer: “May I ask how much you pay per month?”

Me: “My husband was the one who closed the deal with them so I don’t know the exact number, but it’s something in the 200 Norwegian Kroner area.”

Telemarketer: “That’s impossible.”

Me: “No, I’m quite positive I’m right.”

Telemarketer: “What kind of package do you have?”

Me: “Well, we really don’t watch much TV, so we only have the few public channels, plus five more channels.”

Telemarketer: “But that’s insane! You pay so much per channel! Our package is MUCH cheaper than that!”

Me: “You can look at it that way, but we only ever want to watch these channels. There is no point for us to pay more and get more channels, if we’re not going to watch them. There is no package which is overall cheaper than what we pay.”

Telemarketer: “But with our package, you can pay 350 Norwegian Kroner and get 30 channels! You would have three sports channels and a selection of children TV!”

Me: “350 Kroner is around 150 Kroner more than we pay for channels we will not watch. My husband buys sports content online when there’s something he wants to watch, and we have no kids at the moment.”

Telemarketer: “But you will get so many more channels!”

Me: “We don’t need them.”

Telemarketer: “But you’ll be able to go, ‘EENY, MEENY, MINY, MOE!'”

Me: “…”

Telemarketer: “So… no?”

Me: “No.”

Telemarketer: “Yeah… I didn’t think so.” *click*

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Mismanaged Procreations

| Canada | Working | April 27, 2013

Me: “There’s a boy in the noodle aisle purposely throwing everything on the floor. He’s not responding to anyone.”

Employee: “Ugh. Not again. All we can do is pick up after him and put things back.”

Me: “Why can’t someone get his parents and make him stop?”

Employee: “He’s the manager’s kid…”

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It’s Neny-a Business

| UK | Working | April 26, 2013

(Note: my husband and I are huge Lord of the Rings fans, and as such my engagement ring is one of the rings from the book; my wedding ring is the one ring itself. This happens when a co-worker notices them for the first time.)

Co-worker: “I hate people who pretend to like things so they can look nerdy.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Co-worker: “You know the one ring is gold, right, not silver? You’re just a stupid fake fangirl trying to get attention. I know so much more about Lord of the Rings than you do!”

Me: “Yes, I know the one ring is gold, in fact my husbands wedding ring is in gold. However, I much prefer the colour silver on my skin. Plus it matches Nenya.”

Co-worker: “Who the f*** is Nenya?”

Me: “The ring of Water… Galadriel’s ring of power. It’s mentioned quite heavily in the books, but is only mentioned in the extended edition of the movie.”

Co-worker: “Whatever, now you’re just making things up.”

(The next day, he comes in first thing in the morning, and this happens.)

Co-worker: “So I looked it up last night. Turns out you were right about Nenya.”

Me: “Thanks, I think you owe me an apology.”

Co-worker: “I owe you nothing. Just cause you can use google doesn’t make you any less fake.”

(Lucky for me, he transferred to another department a month later. That didn’t stop him from calling me “Faker” whenever he needed me, though!)

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Fear And Polishnoia

| United Kingdom | Working | April 26, 2013

(I am working as a security guard at a children’s facility. There is a lady waiting for an appointment in the lobby, but she goes out for a cigarette. While she’s outside, I get a call from the receptionist who is sitting behind an inch of bullet proof glass.)

Receptionist: “Hey, are you going to pick that up?”

Me: “Pick what up?”

Receptionist: “That stuff on the couch!”

(I checked out the couch; there are two bottles of nail polish and some cotton balls.)

Me: “It’s just some nail polish and cotton balls; nothing to worry about.”

Receptionist: “You should pick it up.”

(I grab the items and hold it for the lady who returns not a minute later. The next day I get a call from my manager…)

Manager: “Hey, you need to pay attention and notice dangerous weapons at your site.”

Me: “What weapons would those be?”

Manager: “The nail polish… you didn’t notice it. It is a solvent and it can be thrown into someone’s eyes!”

(Note: this lobby has several chairs, books, magazine racks, a fountain with rocks and glass vials, all not tied down.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but is this a joke?”

Manager: “Not at all. I have to write you up for incompetence.”

Me: *speechless*

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