(Another staff member and I unofficially run our department because the manager who is supposed to run it only ever works at the registers and usually has no interest in anything else. But there is also another staff member who thinks he runs the store. He’s made some of our staff put stock out in a particular way, and had it wrongly priced. I am about to put it right when the store manager comes along.)

Store Manager: “Who did this?”

Me: “[Coworker #1] and [Coworker #2] put it out this way; I’m just about to redo it.”

Store Manager: “Why did you let them do this? You are supposed to be supervising them.”

Me: “I didn’t. I was at lunch. [Coworker #3] told them to do it this way.”

Store Manager: “[Coworker #3]? When will people ever learn he doesn’t run this store?”

(A few days later, the store manager is away, and for the first time, the woman who is supposed to run our section decides she will take an active role in our section — for about five minutes. She has the brought [Coworker #3] with her.)

Department Manager: *looking at stock she has no idea about* “Where is this going?”

Me: “It’s going in the floor stack right here. I have to condense this stock to fit it.” *pointing to other stock* “I’m about to start on it right now.” *I describe how I’ll set it up*

Department Manager: *turns to the other coworker* “Is that okay with you if [My Name] does it that way?”

(Maybe the store manager should have told his second in command that [Coworker #3] doesn’t run the store.)

(I order cheeseburgers with only cheese on them, or “plain.” Since I’ve occasionally run into confusion over using “plain,” I sometimes say, “only cheese.”)

Me: “Could I get a cheeseburger with only cheese on it?”

Waiter: “Sure.”

(He later brings me a cheeseburger on a closed bun with the regular cheeseburger toppings, sauces, and cheese.)

Me: “Sorry, this isn’t what I ordered.”

Waiter: “What? What did you want?”

(I explain that I only want a burger patty with cheese on top of it and a bun.)

Waiter: “Sir, you ordered wrong. You should have asked for a ‘plain cheeseburger.’ People won’t understand you if you don’t use ‘plain.’”

Me: “…”

(This is literally the only time in years of ordering cheeseburgers that “only cheese” didn’t mean “plain.”)

(I’m riding my scooter down the street and I come to a construction zone. The road is closed off to one lane and the guy with the stop/slow sign is signalling for my side to stop so the cars going the other direction can go through. I stop, and when I do, the worker holding the sign starts walking toward me. I figure there’s either an issue he’s going to inform me of or he wants to comment on my bike.)

Worker: “Hey, did you need something?”

Me: “Uh… No?”

Worker: “Why’d you stop, then?”

(I wordlessly pointed to the stop sign he was holding in his hand. He looked up at it and just said, “…ooh!” in a tone that made it sound like he only just realized he had it in his hand.)

(My town has an annual fair that has games, rides, and shows, and runs largely due to the work of community volunteers. My friends and I are looking for a particular show and see someone who appears to be a worker.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir? Can you point us to where the next water show is setting up?”

Man: “Oh, my God. NO, I cannot help you, and here’s why: I DO NOT WORK HERE! People have been coming up to me all day and asking me questions, and I’m just trying to relax with my family. What is wrong with you people?”

(After about five more minutes of him yelling at us, he finally asks:)

Man: “WHY DID YOU THINK I, OF ALL PEOPLE, WOULD HAVE THE ANSWER?”

Me: “Well… You’re wearing a shirt that says ‘[Town]-Day Fair’ on the front, and ‘Volunteer’ on the back. The same one that all the other volunteers are wearing.”

Man: *blushing bright red* “Oh. I, uh, I volunteered last year and kept the shirt. I guess I didn’t realize that when I was getting dressed.”

(Later that day, my friend saw him waiting in a line and pointed him out to me. He’d turned his shirt inside out.)

(I’ve just started a new job and have had a several-hour-long meeting with my new coworkers. The coffee is percolating through me so I head straight for the bathroom. The CEO, who has a reputation for being eccentric, looks across to my urinal.)

Boss: “Ah… Are you Jewish, or did you go to public school?”

Me: *turning red* “Um… er… Just ‘done’ is all.”

Boss: “Well, at least you know you’ll never be a banker. They’re all complete pricks.”

(I wish I could say this was the limit of his behaviour, but it wasn’t.)