(We’ve just gotten a new district manager, and he is traveling to the different branches in the area to learn the “flow” of how we operate. He’s started at my branch, and is standing with me at my window. I’m talking to a customer about our accounts.)

Me: “…so, we’d love to have you as a customer! Are you interested in talking to [Banker] about opening an account?”

Customer: “Sure! You guys are always nice when I come in to cash my checks, and I’ve got some time.”

Me: “Great! Please have a seat in the waiting area, and I’ll grab [Banker] for you.”

(As she goes to sit down, I see [Banker] weaving his way through the line of customers in the lobby. He does this at least once a day — when it gets busy, he goes somewhere unknown and hides from customers.)

Me: *waves at him* “Hey, [Banker]. Can you come over here for a minute?”

(He waves me off and continues walking. All of a sudden, I hear a big, booming voice from the back of my window.)

District Manager: *at full volume* “[Banker]! GET OVER HERE!”

(He stops, pivots, and comes running over to my window.)

Banker: “[District Manager]! What can I do for you?”

District Manager: “[My Name] has been talking to the customer in the waiting area about opening an account. Take care of that.”

Banker: “Absolutely! Thank you, [My Name], for sending me more accounts!” *heads over to the waiting area*

District Manager: “I’d say we make a good team! Well done, [My Name].” *high-fives me*

(The guitar tech at the locally-owned music store my friends and I frequent has a reputation for being very reliable and knowledgeable, but also snobbish. He has a tendency to make you feel silly for not knowing what he knows about guitar. I generally try to avoid him for routine stuff. I swing into the store to buy some strings, which are in racks behind the counter.)

Employee: “What brand and gauge can I grab for you?”

Me: “Well, first, I’m actually wanting a specific kind, and I know they’re not the normal kind. I just read about them… hex core?”

Employee: *looks over rack* “Hmm. I’m not seeing any that say they’re hex core. Give me a second to run into the next room and I’ll ask [Guitar Guy].”

Me: *shoulders slump; I didn’t make it*

Employee: *coming back* “[Guitar Guy] says all strings are hex core unless they’re labeled round core.”

(I realize my error in that I’d swapped hex and round core strings. I bought some round core and left. Later I ran into one of my friends who knows about that store and I told him what happened.)

Friend: “Man, he wasn’t even in the same room and he still got you! Amazing!”

(I work in a large, open-plan office space. I overhear this gem at the island next to mine:)

Coworker #1: “Hey, did you know our general manager had a twin sister? He told me they’re really close; they talk to each other almost every day.”

Coworker #2: *who is going to be a first-time dad in a few months* “Wait. How is that possible? Can a boy be twins with a girl?!”

All Of Us: “…”

(I decide to bring in some cakes for my office, as a bit of a pick-me-up for the team. We’ve all been having a rough few weeks. One downside is my coworker who always takes it upon himself to offer other peoples’ food, but not before taking his “share” to ensure that he gets his first. I have asked him not to, and he sarcastically calls me the doughnut police or similar. Today he has outdone himself; not only does he take plenty for himself, he then disappears around the company to tell everyone to go to the office to get theirs, actually taking food from the people he works with every day, to try to make himself popular. As I see him through the window, sending worker after worker up to us, I have an idea.)

Coworker: “Where’s my cakes?! I left them right here?!”

Me: “I don’t know; it was weird. A lot of people appeared from nowhere; one of them must have taken them.”

Coworker: *angry* “And you didn’t stop them?”

Me: “What do I look like? The doughnut police?”

(After a long day of work, a few coworkers and I are waiting for the train. Suddenly, the emergency phone at the station — literally just a box on a pole — rings.)

Coworker: *after a pause* “I’m going to answer it.”

(Answers the phone.)

Coworker: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, sir. I am calling from Microsoft; your computer is in danger.”

Coworker: *huge grin* “You sure about that, mate?”

Caller: “Yes, sir. This is very serious. We need to fix this immediately.”

Coworker: “Mate, this is a train station.”

Caller: “Yes, I can see that here, which means your computer is very important.”

Coworker: “Nah, mate, this is a train platform. There is no computer here, just a phone on a pole.”

Caller: “Are you sure?”

Coworker: “Yup. How did you even get this number?”

Caller: “Um, never mind.” *hangs up*