Working With A Slytherin

(I’m female, but not a girly-girl. I work at a thrift store. I am working my way through my in-bin, sorting donated shoes. I grab a sneaker and something inside it moves. I’ve heard stories of coworkers finding live mice inside of things before. Our area is considered to be high desert, so of course, less savory things could potentially be inside my shoes. I freeze as the light reflects off of something shiny and segmented. And it’s pretty big. For just a second, my heart seizes. Normally, insects and spiders don’t bother me too terribly much. But on the other hand, I am NOT keen on finding myself with a giant, irate, venomous creature in my collection of footwear. I hold very still for a heartbeat. Nothing moves. I carefully jostle the shoe again, and it moves again, and I get a better look. Segmented legs, but they’re plastic. I breathe again. I extract a pretty realistic toy scorpion out of the shoe. Was it some random kid’s toy that got mixed in by accident? Nope. There’s a price sticker on the bottom of this thing. OUR PRICE STICKER. From this month. I turn and walk kitty-corner across the aisle, holding the scorpion toy by the tail, to the toy processing area.)

Me: *equal parts sweet, sarcastic, and menacing, as I hold up the toy* “[Coworker], dearest… my sweet, wonderful… innocent… darling… coworker… Why was there a scorpion in one of my shoes?”

Coworker: *grins at me, mischievous* “Because I put it there. I’m surprised you didn’t squeal. I was kind of hoping for one.”

(I give him a dirty look and drop the toy into his hand.)

Me: “You’re an a**hole. And unfortunately for you, insects don’t bug me that much.”

Coworker: “I’ve got rubber snakes if you want!”

(I roll my eyes, grab an equally realistic rubber snake toy, loop it around my neck and parade off with it.)

Me: “Good luck scaring me with snakes!”