Working At Green Eyed Monster Inc.

(My coworker is the bossy, jealous type. We’re having an office party, and we’re allowed to bring a guest. My coworker has brought her husband, a fat old bald man. I’m by myself.)

Coworker: *proudly* “[My name], I’d like to introduce you to my husband.”

Me: “Oh hi.” *smiles politely*

(After a while, I ignore them both, continuing eating the food when my coworker sidles up to me.)

Coworker: “Don’t you think you were a little too friendly?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Coworker: *imitating me* “‘Oh hi!’ with a flirty smile like that! Sorry, but my husband is all mine. So just back off!”

Me: “That’s fine. Bald, old and fat aren’t my type!”

Coworker: *punches me hard on the arm* “How dare you! My husband is RICH, and takes care of me! More than you can say!”

Me: “So that’s why you’re working in an office?”

(I leave while my coworker sputters incoherently behind me. She continues to accuse me of having a thing for her husband until I got sick of it and found another job elsewhere.)