Words To Get You Shot

(I work as a holistic/massage therapist in a chiropractor’s office. We primarily handle patients who are recovering from injuries. I love the work, but I have developed a serious case of carpal tunnel and had to switch careers until it is healed. My husband and I decide to take a concealed carry class together, since we both like to go out to the range to shoot, etc. One of my former patients just happens to be in the class. Note: I’m in my mid-20s but still get mistaken for 18 or 19, and this man is in his mid-50s. At the beginning of class:)

Former Patient: “Hey! I thought that was you! How are you, [My Name]?”

Me: “I’m great! My hand is doing much better, and I’ve been looking forward to this class.”

Former Patient: “Me, too! Well, enjoy the class.”

(The first day of the class is all in a “school” setting; we’re all seated at tables in uncomfortable metal chairs for several hours. When it’s time for a break:)

Former Patient: *to me, LOUDLY, from across the room* “Man! My back is killing me! I wish I could lay down on this table and let you do me right here!”

(The entire class stares.)

Me: *speechless and mortified*

My Husband: *laughing… not helpful*

(As soon as the man walks out of the room I turn to the rest of the class.)

Me: “I just want everyone to know that I used to be his holistic therapist at a chiropractor’s office. That’s it.”

(You can see the sigh of relief that sweeps through the rest of the students, and they all go on their breaks.)

My Husband: “So, you think they all thought you were a teenage hooker trying to get her gun license?”