With Waves Of Rainbows And Sprays Of Glitter

| England, UK | Friendly | May 23, 2017

(I am swimming with a few friends on a hot day. A ball splashes next to me and I see a woman swimming up. I hold onto it until she gets to me. I am male.)

Me: “Sorry, but balls aren’t allowed in the water on this part of the beach. You can use them on the sand though.”

Woman: *snide* “And how would you know!”

Me: “My husband is a lifeguard on duty. I know a lot of the rules.”

(Her eyes widen and she looks me up and down before turning and swimming away.)

Woman: “Kids, get out of water! Quick!”

(Her children protest.)

Woman: “There’s a [slur]! It’s in the water. It’ll turn the whole ocean gay!” *turns back* It’s already happening!”

(My friends and I watch as three children and the mother sprint out of the water and into their car. They’re still wet as they drive off.)

Friend #1: “That was really weird.”

Me: “What did she mean, ‘It’s already happening?’”

Friend #2: “Oh, [Friend #3] and I decided to start snogging when we realised where it was headed.”

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  • Serbian Wolf

    Gotta love bigots – they’re such an endless source of fun! 🙂

    • Megalodon

      ‘Til they start making your laws.

  • Wyrmskyld

    Bonus points if Friends 2 and 3 weren’t a couple and were just jerking her chain

    • Evie Heaven

      Additional bonus if they both were straight…

      • Lou Miller

        My thoughts exactly. I got out of a fight doing that.

        Guy got in my face accusing me of “looking” at his girlfriend. So I said, “No I was looking at you sugar.” and kissed him on the mouth. He fell over backwards in shock and took off without his date.

        • SwiftyJoe TheOneAndOnly

          oh my god!! that’s so good… thanks for the laugh

        • sarcasticcupcakes

          I freaking love you.

          (sorry, I’m a girl)

          • Lou Miller

            And I’m straight. I just figured if I’m getting into a fight it ought to be for doing something I actually did.

        • Connie McFadden

          That’s freakin’ hilarious!

        • Bethlyn Kerchner

          I hope his date was fairly entertained by this at the least.

          • Vulpis

            I’m wondering if Lou did end up going home with his date. 🙂

        • Helena

          You are my new favorite person.

        • Tony Solis

          You, sir, win the internet and a cookie of your choice

      • Liz Cember

        I just assumed they were straight because it made them more awesome in this instance.

      • Mike Sartoris

        Was my thoughts exactly Evie 😀

  • beacon80

    If one gay man can turn the entire ocean gay, I’m pretty sure the “damage” is already done.

    • Max

      Do not underestimate our power

      • beacon80

        I, for one, welcome our new gay overlords. 🙂

    • sackes

      Not to mention that there are a lot of creatures in the ocean that are natural hermaphrodites, gay, etc…

  • Kitty

    “You cannot escape our gay! We breathe the same air, after all! Muhahaha!”

  • sackes

    Woman: “There’s a [slur]! It’s in the water. It’ll turn the whole ocean gay!” *turns back* It’s already happening!”

    Me: “Sorry, Lady, its too late. Enjoy your new, gay kids! MUAAaahahahaha”

  • Westrim

    Woman, there are sea worms that penis fight like they’re swords until one penetrates and impregnates the other.

    • DannyZebra

      If anything is making the ocean gay..,

    • Christine Wood

      There are also fish that can Rule 63 each other. And then there’s the seahorse.

      • Tony Solis

        I actually had to look up Rule 63. How do fish Rule 63 each other? I mean, you can’t really tell a male fish from a female, can you? Do fish even have genders?

        • Kelly H

          “Do fish even have genders?”
          Well, not in a sociological sense, but some of them make eggs and some of them make sperm.
          Where “Rule 63” comes into play is in some species an individual may change which one, depending on the rest of the population.

        • Kneekicker

          As the only remaining clownfish left in their local reef, either Marlin or Nemo will have to become a female so the other can impregnate them, with Nemo a likelier candidate for rule 63 due to his younger age and healthier body by proxy.

          Have fun watching Finding Nemo.

          • Tony Solis

            Just… why? Was that necessary?

  • BaseDeltaZero

    Too late. Your ocean is gay now.

  • Jasmina Nina Pavlovic

    Oh, this made my day …*snicker*

  • Savannah Johnston

    I thought this story was gonna be a joke about balls… *sadface*

  • On the bright side, at least it made her leave.

  • Bethany Lieflijk

    “I’m gay, daddy, I’m gay! Mrs Simpson made me gay!”

  • Jackie Fauxe

    You know, you said that balls weren’t allowed on that side of the beach, but what your friends did required them (even if your friends were two women).

  • Jason

    Every time one of these stories shows up from England I wonder where it happened. My town isn’t exactly the most diverse and my husband and I have never had any issues. And it’s often obvious we’re a couple…

  • Xenobio

    Hey, you achieved your objective, the lady and her kids stopped throwing balls at that part of the beach.

  • Giles Murray

    Jeez, I bet that woman runs inside when she sees a “Pink Sunset” as well – y’know just in case!!

    If Charles Darwin lived to hear about shit like this he’d have never thought of evolution: Clearly we are going backwards…