With Spacey Nurses, Nobody Can Hear You Scream

| Illinois, USA | Working | June 25, 2013

(After a minor cold, I have completely lost my voice, so I head to the campus Health Center before a three-day weekend. I get a throat culture to determine the cause, and am told to have a relative call the next day for the test results.)

Mom: “Hi! I’m calling for [my name] for her test results. Are they in yet?”

Nurse: “What’s the student ID number?”

Mom: “It’s [ID number].”

Nurse: “Okay, looks like she came in because her voice is missing? Test results came back this morning.”

Mom: “Terrific! What was it?”

Nurse: “Can’t tell you that.”

Mom: “You can’t? Why not?”

Nurse: “I can only give test results to the student. I need her permission to tell you.”

Mom: “I’m sorry; I thought the doctor said family members could call. I’m her mom and—”

Nurse: “I need her permission.”

Mom: “Okay, well I don’t know how you’re going to get it. She’s not at school; she’s here at home.”

Nurse: “Just put her on the phone and she can tell me it’s fine.”

Mom: “Um no, she can’t. She needs the test results because her VOICE IS MISSING.”

Nurse: “Just put her on the phone.”

Mom: “HER VOICE IS GONE. She CAN’T talk to you. Why can’t you just tell me?”

Nurse: “You could be anyone. I don’t know if you’re really her mom.”

Mom: “So some random lady found her ID number, and is using it to call for her TEST RESULTS?”

Nurse: “Exactly. We need proof.”

Mom: “You’ve got to be kidding me. You know what? Here she is.”

(She passes the phone to me. I scream as loud as I can that my mother has permission, but all that comes out is a strangled sounding breath. My mom takes the phone back.)

Nurse: “What the h*** was THAT?!”

Mom: “That was my daughter, attempting to give you permission even though her voice is missing. That work for you?”

Nurse: “FINE. The test was negative for Strep throat.”

Mom: “…That’s it? That’s all you tested for?”

Nurse: “Yes.”

Mom: “SERIOUSLY? THAT’S what you couldn’t tell me?!”

Nurse: “Yes. Tell her to get better.” *click*

(Thankfully, my voice came back a few days later. My mom fumed for the whole weekend, and we never did find out what caused it!)

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