With Great Bacon, Comes Great Stupidity, Part 3

Boyfriends/Girlfriends, Brain Fart, Home, USA | Romantic | May 30, 2025

Listen… I promise my boyfriend is extremely intelligent. He just has brain farts sometimes, just like the rest of us. He is also a little stubborn about his intelligence, meaning that if someone corrects him or suggests a better way to do something, he tends to dismiss it in lieu of his own standpoint. He’s not unkind at all; just stubborn. I usually let it slide. But he knows he’s never going to hear the end of this story.

We decide to grill up some burgers for supper one fine summer night, so [Boyfriend] gets our fancy propane grill going outside. He dips back into the house to mix up the burger meat.

He decides bacon would be a tasty addition to the burgers, and I agree.

I’m more or less babysitting the dog while he’s doing this, because our dog is a runner; if the door is open for any amount of time, he’ll bolt and disappear into the night. So, with all the going in and out for the grilling, I have to keep an eye on him.

So, I don’t notice when [Boyfriend] decides that “grilled bacon” would be delicious.

Yes, I know… just wait, it’s coming.

He comes back inside to get the burger patties ready in the kitchen.

Boyfriend: “Babe, can you grab the grill tongs and just go out and flip the pieces of bacon for me?”

Me: “You put the bacon… in the grill?”

Boyfriend: *Ignoring the concern in my voice.* “Yeah, just go give ’em a quick flip.”

Me: “Uh… okay…”

I go outside and tentatively open the hood of the grill. Sure enough, a massive fiery flame belches out at me.

I open the door and shout inside to him.

Me: “Honey, the grill is on fire!”

Boyfriend: *Again, ignoring my alarm.* “It’s fine, just reach in quick and flip the bacon.”

Me: “No, you don’t understand. The GRILL is on FIRE!”

Boyfriend: *Sighs.* “It’s fine. Just flip the bacon real quick!”

Me: “Get the f*** out here right now! The GRILL. IS. ON. FIRE!”

He sighs again and abandons his burger post to saunter over to the door. He steps outside and opens the grill to a massive inferno.

Boyfriend: “OH, S***! Quick, grab me some salt!”

I grab the two big canisters of salt I use for baking, and he empties both of them into the grill, effectively putting out the fire.

The bacon had turned to complete ash, and the grill was completely warped inside. The bacon fat drippings had ignited in the base of the grill and luckily hadn’t blown the propane tank (and us) from here to Hades.

[Boyfriend] shuts off the propane and sullenly stares at his ruined grill.

Boyfriend: *Quietly.* “I guess I’ll just make the burgers in the skillet.”

Me: *Smugly.* “And the next time I tell you something is on fire…?”

Boyfriend: *Sheepishly.* “I’ll listen.”

Me: “You owe me two canisters of salt.”

I now often recall this story when he attempts to get stubborn, referring to it as The Great Bacon Fire of 2024.