Winning The Name Blame Game

| Friendly | May 3, 2017

(A group of friends and I go out to a bar and it is my turn to be the designated driver. Since they all know they are safe with me, they are pretty drunk by the time we leave. As I’m piling the three guys too drunk to see straight into my car a couple of strangers walks towards me.)

Stranger #1: “HEY, [Name That Isn’t Mine]!”

(I don’t realize they’re talking to me since it isn’t my name and ignore them.)

Stranger #1: *now only a few yards away* “Don’t ignore me, you a**-hole!”

Me: “Huh?” *I turn to look at them*

Stranger #2: “Hey, you’re not [Name That Isn’t Mine].”

(Stranger #1 stops and looks bleary eyed at me.)

Stranger #1: “I don’t give a f***. We’re kicking someone’s a** for f****** my girl and this f***** looks like [Name That Isn’t Mine], so he’ll do!”

(Both of them start taking aggressive stances. I’m fairly sure I can handle a couple drunks if I have to, especially since I’ve got three drunks for backup, but I’d really rather not, so I think quick.)

Me: “Two on one? That’s not very fair. You’d better go get some friends.”

(They both pause as they try to process that.)

Stranger #1: “More friends?”

Me: “Yeah. You can’t really beat a guy down with just two, especially not if it’s over a girl. Go on, I’ll wait.”

(They look at each other for a moment.)

Stranger #1: “You stay your a** right here, [Name That Isn’t Mine]! We’re gonna get [A Couple Names I don’t recognize] and beat your a**!”

(I smiled and nodded. As soon as they vanished back into the bar I jumped in my car and left with my friends. I kinda wish I could’ve seen their faces when they realized they’d been had, though.)

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