Will Have To Start Charging Him

(I’m sitting at our kitchen table, wearing headphones, listening to music and doing homework. My husband comes up behind me, and touches my back, so as not to startle me.)

Me: *pulls out headphones* “Oooh, kisses!”

Husband: *reaches around me, begins groping my breasts* “Oooh, boobies!”

Me: “What do you need?”

Husband: *nuzzling me, continues groping me* “I came over here to ask where your Kindle was, but I got distracted.”

Me: “It’s on the bed, charging.”

Husband: “Hmm? What?”

Me: “My Kindle? It’s on the bed. Charging.”

Husband: “Boobies?”

Me: “Nope, they aren’t charging. Oh! Maybe I’ll stop charging my boobs, and then they’ll get smaller!”

Husband: *still groping me, leans away with a horrified look on his face* “I don’t even know who you are anymore.”