Who’s The Alpha Ape Now

(I have a coworker who is on the petite side. That, combined with her being female, seems to make people think they can intimidate her really easily. This makes it especially amusing to watch when they figure out that they can’t. This day, she’s dealing with a particularly rude customer who is at least a foot taller than she is, and has been acting like he expects to be feared.)

Rude Customer: “Hey, B****!”

Coworker: *blank stare* “Pardon?”

Rude Customer: “I was trying to get your attention, lady! That seems to be the only way to get you skirts to get your minds off your lady troubles!”

Coworker: “Well, sir, I don’t know what you mean by ‘lady troubles’, but what can I do for you today?”

(By now, the rude customer is behaving very aggressively, gesturing wildly and almost hitting her.)

Rude Customer: “You know, LADY TROUBLES! Like shopping, shoes, boyfriends… LADY TROUBLES!”

(My coworker is still smiling, not off-put at all by the rude customer’s behavior.)

Coworker: “Single, hate shopping, have enough shoes. Is there anything you wanted to ask about that I can help you with? Because, if not, there are other customers that I’m sure would be willing to tell me what they need help with.”

Rude Customer: *taken aback* “I need to find something for my wife.”

Coworker: “…and what would that be, sir?”

Rude Customer: *uncomfortable* “Well I… I want to get her some lingerie—”

Coworker: “That’ll be upstairs on your left. If there’s anything specific you’re trying to find, I’m sure they’ll be happy to help you.”

(The rude customer’s behavior has now completely flipped. He’s extremely uncomfortable, almost mumbling, and won’t make eye contact with my coworker.)

Rude Customer: “Right…” *walks off to escalator*

Next Customer: “Oh my, I don’t know how you kept your composure!”

Me: “I don’t know how she did, either.”

Coworker: “Well, usually when the lower primates get aggressive, it’s best not to respond to their aggression with fear because it’s what they want. More aggression just makes it worse. Plus, making them uncomfortable is REALLY fun!”