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Who Trusted A Baby To Someone Who Calls It “Poopie”?

, , , , | Right | July 20, 2022

I work for a baby care store. We’re quite upmarket, and we get a lot of mothers who like to show off our baby products to their circles of friends as if our strollers were Porsches or something. We also sell ridiculously expensive diapers, but hey, I don’t set the prices.

A mother in a lot of designer clothes approaches with an opened pack of diapers and places them on my counter. Even though she is wearing sunglasses indoors, I can tell she is staring daggers.

Customer: “These are defective.”

Me: “Sorry to hear that, ma’am. Shall we replace these with another pack, or would you like a refund?”

Customer: “I don’t want this brand again! They charge so much, but they don’t work at all!

Me: “How were they not to your satisfaction, ma’am?”

Customer: “They didn’t deal with the poopie!”

Yes. She said “poopie.”

Me: “Oh, uh, you mean it didn’t contain your baby’s… uh… poo?”

Customer: “Yes! When I changed her diaper, it was still there!”

Me: “Still… there? What do you mean?”

Customer: “The poopie was everywhere! All over my poor baby’s butt and all in the insides!”

Me: “I see. Well, as long as the diaper kept it all contained, then it was working as designed.”

Customer: “But there shouldn’t be any poopie at all!”

Me: “You’re expecting to open the diaper after your baby has pooped in it and find no poo?”

Customer: “Yes! Isn’t that how these things work?!”

Me: “Absolutely not, ma’am. Diapers keep the contents inside, but they don’t… get rid of it.”

Customer: “The amount I pay for these, they should get rid of it!”

Me: “Where do you expect the poo to go, ma’am?”

Customer: “I don’t know! Away!”

Me: “If you don’t mind me asking, ma’am… your baby looks to be around a year old. Have your diapers been performing to your expectation until now?”

Customer: “Well, no, my nanny usually does it, but she’s on vacation, so—”

She stops. Again, even though she’s wearing sunglasses, I see her eyes go wide with realization.

Customer: “You mean my nanny has been wiping away the poopie all this time?!”

Me: “That would be my guess, ma’am.”

Customer: “And you don’t sell diapers that can, like, make it go away?”

Me: “Our diapers absorb urine, ma’am, but there’s not much they can do about number two.”

Customer: “I heard that, in Europe, they have these things called ‘nappies.’ Do they, like, absorb the poopie?”

Me: “Ma’am, nappies are just what the British call diapers, but they’re the same thing.”

Customer: “What about—”

Me: “Ma’am. There is no product in existence that will magically make your baby’s poo disappear. The only way you’re getting out of doing it yourself is hiring someone to do it for you.”

The customer’s sunglasses finally come down a little, and she looks me up and down.

Me: “Ma’am, that is not a service we provide!”

Customer: “Well, s***.”

Your s***, ma’am, not ours!

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