Who Gave This Guy Credit?

I work as a fraud analyst for a major bank. We’re trained to analyze accounts for possible fraud, but that isn’t really what we do. If you have any suspected fraud activity on your bank card you call us, we review the account with you, and then if there is fraud, we change your card number and send you to claims to see if you can get your money back.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank], this is [My Name], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Like, uh. I need help with my card but uh I don’t know my card number, can you pull my account up anyway, k?”

Me: “You don’t know your card number, alright that’s fine. Do you have the card in your possession?”

Caller: “No, like uh I don’t have the card in my possession.”

Me: “Okay do you at least know where it is?”

Caller: “Yea.”

Me: “Where is it?”

Caller: “In like uh my wallet, k.”

Me: “…Sir, where is your wallet?”

Caller: “Uh, in my pocket, k.”

I figure this guy is an idiot, so what I say next is going to be very important so that I don’t confuse him:

Me: “Sir, please reach into your pocket, locate your wallet, grasp it firmly in your hand, remove your wallet from your pocket, open up your wallet, locate your debit card inside of your wallet, and remove your debit card from your wallet. Then please ensure that the debit card is right side up and you are looking at the front of it, then read me the sixteen-digit number on the front of your card one digit at a time, it will begin with the number 4 if you have a Visa, or the number 5 if you have a Mastercard.”

Caller: “…uhhhhhhhhhhh.”

At this point, I believe I have broken him with my very specific and apparently complicated instructions.

Caller: “…uhhhhhhhhhhh.”

Yep, he’s broken.

Caller: “hhh… k. It’s four.”

Me: “Four… and?”

He reads the whole thing slowly with a very confused tone of voice as if this is getting progressively more difficult for him with each number.

Me: “Alright, sir, let’s review your account.”

I need a new job.