Who Do You Call For A Mother-In-Law Exchange?

My mother — the stereotypical overbearing Asian mother — loves shopping online and receives packages almost every day. She shows my wife a website and my wife orders a dress.

A few days later, my mother calls.

Mother: “Well? What does [Wife] think of the dress?”

Me: “She’s going to have to call customer service. They sent the wrong size.”

Mother: “Make sure you do that before your return period runs out.”

Me: “I know. She will.”

We change the subject and eventually end the call. A few hours later, my wife’s phone rings.

Wife: “It’s your mom?”

I shrug.

Wife: “Hello?” *Pause* “No, I haven’t called yet.” *Pause* “No, it’s okay, I will. I just—” *Pause* “Really, it’s okay. I’ll do it.” *Pause* “Yes, I do like the dress; it’s just the wrong size.” *Pause* “Okay. I’ll let you know when I call.” *Pause* “Okay, bye.”

Me: “What was that about?”

Wife: “Your mom wanted to make sure I call customer service to swap my dress.”

Me: “I guess she really wants you to like it.”

The next day, my mom calls my wife again while she is doing the dishes. She turns on the speakerphone.

Wife: “Hello?”

Mother: “Hello? [Wife]?”

Wife: “Hi, [Mother]. I’m doing the dishes. What’s going on?”

Mother: “I have [Company] customer service on the other line.”

Wife: “Um… okay…”

Mother: “I’m going to put you on so you can return your dress.”

Wife: “[Mom], I am going to call. I just—”

Mother: “Hold on!”

We exchange a look. Hers is a lot less friendly than mine.

Mother: “[Wife], are you still there?”

Wife: *Slightly annoyed* “Yes.”

Mother: “Okay, here’s [Company].”

Representative: *Slightly confused* “Um, hello.”

Mother: “Yes, [Wife] ordered a dress and you sent the wrong size.”

Wife: “Hello…”

Representative: “Okay, let me get your account information here…”

They go through verification.

Representative: “Okay, so—”

Mother: “You’ll send a new dress for her?”

Representative: “Yes, we can do that. I’ll email the return packing slip—”

Mother: “Give him your email, [Wife].”

Wife: “Um… it’s on the account.”

Representative: “We have [Wife’s email]. Is that correct?”

Mother: “Yes, that’s correct.”

Representative: “[Wife]?”

Wife: “Yes, that is my email.”

Mother: “Okay, so, you’re all set?”

Representative: “We are all set. Is there anything else I—”

Mother: “No, thank you, goodbye.”

Representative: *Pause* “Have a good day, ladies.”

The representative disconnects.

Mother: “See how easy that was?”

Wife: *Tense* “I was going to call. I just—”

Mother: “Well, you don’t want to miss the return period.”

Wife: *Sigh* “No, I didn’t. It’s all done now.”

Mother: “Okay, good. Let me know when the new dress comes in.”

She hung up without saying goodbye.

The return period was sixty days. We had more than enough time to exchange her dress.