When You Think You Can’t Possibly Be Any Clearer

I work in an operating room. A nurse comes into the break area looking angry and grumbling.

Me: “What happened?”

Nurse: “We told [Patient] that for his outpatient procedure, he had to eat or drink nothing after midnight, and he just told me he ate a full breakfast this morning!”

Me: “Did he understand the instructions?”

Nurse: “English is his first language! No, he said it was because we were replacing his knee, not working on his stomach, so it didn’t make any sense. We have to cancel the procedure now!”

Me: “If it makes you feel better, one of my patients last month, a college kid, was told ‘only clear liquids until midnight and then nothing.’”

Nurse: “And?”

Me: “And they drank vodka and did cocaine up until midnight because it was a ‘clear liquid’. Of course, he didn’t tell us any of this, so we didn’t find out until the kid started aspirating and crashing as soon as he went to sleep.”

Later that day, I told a patient not to eat anything after midnight and they said, “What’s gonna happen to me? Am I gonna turn into a gremlin?” Gotta love people.