When You Start Each Customer Interaction With “Please Be Normal, Please Be Normal…”

I’m checking out customers.

Customer #1: “That honey should be cheaper!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I don’t set the prices.”

Customer #1: “Are you working with the bees?”

Me: “The… pardon?”

Customer #1: “The bees! They made you up the prices, didn’t they?”

The customer leaves the honey behind and storms off after paying, muttering about the greedy bees. I start checking out the next customer.

Customer #2: “Your bagger, there.”

Me: *Looking over at my bagger* “Yes, sir?”

Customer #2: “Are they real?”

Me: “…as opposed to?”

Customer #2: “Being not real.”

Not knowing what to do, I turn to my bagger.

Me: “[Bagger], are you real?”

Bagger: “I… think so?”

Me: *To the customer* “He thinks so.”

Customer #2: *Narrowing eyes* “I suppose that will do.”

The interaction continues without any more accusations of unreality. We move on to the next customer.

Customer #3: *Referring to a cleaning product* “Does this handle carpet stains?”

Me: “I haven’t personally used it yet, but the packaging claims to remove most stains. What is it you’re trying to remove?”

Customer #3: “Blood, sweat, and tears.”

I laugh at the joke.

Customer #3: “That’s not a joke. I’m literally cleaning up blood, sweat, and tears. There was some… misbehavior earlier.”

They check out and, I really don’t want to make any small talk.

There is finally a brief lull in customers, and I see my bagger intently looking out the window.

Me: “What are you doing?”

Bagger: “Oh, just checking to see if there’s a full moon.”