When You Ironically Need Therapy

Me: “Hi. Can I help you?”

Customer #1: “Only my psychiatrist can help me.”

Dying inside, I chuckle politely. I finish helping the customer.

Me: “If I hear one more psychiatrist joke I’m going to f****** scream.”

Coworker: “Yeah. It’s like they think we haven’t heard that a million times. ‘Oh, you can’t help me unless you’re a psychiatrist.’ That’s so original!”

Me: “No, Hypothetical Random Dumba**, I have heard it a million times, and it wasn’t funny any of those times. But it was funny when you said it, because you’re just so g**d*** special.”

Coworker: “Eeyup.”

Three minutes later, another customer walks up to the counter.

Me: “Hi. Can I help you?”

Customer #2: “I don’t know. Are you a psychiatrist?”

Me: “Excuse me a moment. [Coworker], can you give me a hand?”

I went inside the walk-in cooler, closed the door, and screamed at the top of my lungs.