When “Break A Leg” Becomes A Threat

I’m performing in a variety show. The doors are set to open at 6 PM. The stage manager has been at the venue since noon, running around, getting things ready, and overall being the point person for every single problem that crops up as the cast and crew trickle in.

At 5:30 PM, she finally calls a halt to tech rehearsals, very behind schedule since hardly anyone was ready for their call time, and brings everyone in for a safety briefing.

Stage Manager: “…and that’s why you can’t have any alcohol before you finish performing. Now, the house is hot in thirty minutes. I say again, the doors will open in thirty minutes. Please be ready. I’m going to take a ten-minute break while you guys rehearse the group number. Any questions?”

The stage manager is a good friend of mine, and I can tell that, like every stage manager I’ve ever worked with, she wouldn’t be taking a break if she weren’t on the verge of either bursting into tears or ripping someone’s head off.

Apparently, some of my fellow cast members are not as experienced with stage managers as I am.

Performer: “What if there’s an emergency while you’re on break?”

Stage Manager: “Call 911.”

Performer: “What if it’s not that kind of emergency?

Stage Manager: “Then it’s the kind of emergency that can wait ten minutes.”

Performer: “But—”

Me: “—I guarantee that if you interrupt [Stage Manager] while she’s trying to sit down and eat some d*** food, I will personally turn it into a 911 kind of emergency.”