What’s Stupid Is Letting This Go On For As Long As It Did
A young man and a woman came into our bistro last night. I seated them, then handed them a menu each.
Woman: “A menu? That’s just stupid.”
Me: “Uh huh. Let me tell you about the specials. The starter is olive bread with a whipped feta dip—”
Woman: “—Feta? That’s just stupid.”
Man: “I’ll have that.”
Woman: “Me too.”
Me: “Okay, two olive breads. The main is a lamb and spring vegetable pie—”
Woman: “—Pie? That’s just stupid.”
Me: “Uh huh. It comes with herby new potatoes and minted peas—”
Woman: “—Peas? That’s just stupid.”
Man: “I’ll have that.”
Woman: “Me too.”
Me: “And any sides? If it’s not too much potato, the triple-cooked chips—”
Woman: “—Chips? That’s just stupid.”
Me: “Uh huh. They go very well with the whipped feta dip, and I’ll throw some more in for free for you.”
Woman: “Dip? That’s just stupid.”
Man: “I’ll have that.”
Woman: “Me too.”
Me: “And to drink?
Man: “What wine do you recommend?”
Me: “The pinot grigio goes really well with the feta, that’s a white—”
Woman: “—White? That’s just stupid.”
Me: “Uh huh. But the Pinotage goes really well with the lamb, that’s a red—”
Woman: “—Red? That’s just stupid.”
Me: “Uh huh. We do half carafes, so you could have white with the starter and red with the main—”
Woman: “—Half carafes? That’s just stupid.”
Man: “I’d quite like that.”
Woman: “Me too.”
Me: “Okay, that’s the olive bread to start for both of you, then the lamb pie with extra chips and feta dip, again for both of you, and a half carafe of the pinot with the starter and a half carafe of the Pinotage with the main. I’ll get you the drinks first—”
Woman: “—First? That’s just stupid.”
Me: “Uh huh, and I’ll be along with the starter shortly.”
Cut to the end of their meal. I’ve cleared their dishes and brought them the dessert menus.
Me: “The chef’s special dessert is cinnamon sugar snaps—”
Woman: “—Cinnamon? That’s just stupid.”
Me: “Uh huh. That comes with a chocolate and a salted caramel dip—”
Woman: “—Caramel? That’s just stupid.”
Me: “Uh huh. To be honest, it’s big enough for two people to share just the one—”
Woman: “—Share? That’s just stupid.”
Man: “That’s it, I’m done. I’m sorry, Sharon, but this is our last date. You’ve driven me completely insane. I can’t cope anymore. I’m going to pay, and then we’ll both go home separately before I catch whatever the h*** is wrong with you.”
Woman: “Separately? That’s just stupid.”
Man: “Go home. Goodbye. I’m done. You’re dumped.”
Woman: “Dumped? That’s just stupid.”
She grabs her coat and handbag and storms out.
Me: *With a sympathetic tone:* “I’ll get you the bill, shall I?”
Man: “Yes, please. Sorry about that. Sorry about her.”
Me: “It’s fine. I understand.”
I get his bill and a double shot of very strong Italian brandy and present both to him.
Me: “Here’s the bill, and have this grappa on me. I think you need it.”
Man: “Thank you very much! It’s lucky I took the bus here today, and I’m not driving.”
Me: “Yeah, you don’t want to drive after drinking this, that’s just stupid.
Him: “…”
Me: “I am so very sorry for that.”
He tipped 25%.
