What A Fornicating Load Of Fecal Matter

, , , , | Working | August 10, 2020

We have not been home long when my wife realises that we left one of our daughter’s toys at the pub where we had lunch. I call the pub to ask if it has been handed in.

Manager: “Good afternoon, [Pub]. [Manager] speaking.”

Me: “Good afternoon, my name is [My Name]. We had lunch at your pub about half an hour ago and we think that we left a toy butterfly behind. We were sitting at table twenty. Is it still there?”

Manager: “A toy what?”

Me: “Butterfly.”

Manager: “I’ll just call the bar now.” *Into radio* “Can someone check table twenty and see if there’s a toy butterfly there?”

Bar: “One minute.”

I realise that I can hear their radio loud and clear. 

Bar: “There’s a load of [Fornicating Fecal Matter] here. I can’t see it.”

This rankles me, as I work in the pub trade and in general, this is highly unprofessional. I am also careful to clean up after myself, as I know what it’s like to deal with what seems like an insurmountable mountain of mess.

Manager: “Sorry, it hasn’t been handed in behind the bar.”

Me: “Thank you for looking. By the way, with regards to the [Fecal Matter], there was a family at the table beside us, as well.”

Manager: “Oh… Sorry about that.”

I disconnected the call. It seemed clear that the only reason they were sorry is that they got caught. Publicans, if your staff are prone to vulgarity on the job, at least have the courtesy to put the customer on hold. I don’t need to hear that Fecal Matter.

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