We’ve Got This Investigation Locked Down

I have been on holiday for two weeks. Not five minutes after stepping into work, I am dragged into a meeting with a woman from Human Resources that I have never met before. She tells me a story of a colleague who took medication from my office that she was allergic to.

Human Resources: “After a thorough investigation, it has been decided that you will be issued a formal written warning.”

Me: “Hold up. I want to make sure I have this right. First: my office can only be unlocked with three keys. One key is on my keyring and was with me during my holiday. The other two are skeleton keys that open any door on this floor. They are in possession of the cleaner and owner of this building. This means that either [Colleague] stole one of those keys, or she entered my office while either the cleaner or owner had it unlocked.”

[Human Resources] is just staring at me blankly, so I continue.

Me: “Second: my desk is locked and both keys are on this keyring—” *points to my keys* “—which means either [Colleague] forced the lock on my desk, or she has access to a key I have no knowledge of.”

Again, a blank stare.

Me: “Third: all the medication I keep in my desk is locked inside a security box, because I am on medication that is controlled, and the only way [Safety Manager] would allow me to keep it here is with that assurance. Again, both keys that can open it are in my possession, so she either broke into the box, or she has access to another key I have no knowledge of, which I can’t even imagine how she would have gotten. And fourth: she found a box labelled ibuprofen and wilfully took it, knowing she was allergic.”

Human Resources: “She didn’t know she was allergic. She only just found out at the hospital.”

Me: “Oh, no, she did know. Everyone in this office knows. Every time she has a headache, she asks people for what they have and tells us every time, without fail, that she is allergic.”

[Human Resources] has pressed her lips together so hard they’re practically a line.

Me: “So, after all this, I am the one being written up? What else could I have done prevent this?”

Human Resources: *After a long pause* “I’ll look further into this.”

Me: “Cool. Either [Colleague] is secretly a spy, or she is lying through her teeth.”

After the meeting, I checked my office top to bottom. No evidence of tampering, and it looked like every pill in my box was accounted for. So much for “a thorough investigation”.