We’ve All Been There, Bud

I work on an in-house security team for a building. Today, I used the emergency exit to enter our cafeteria in pursuit of beverages because our janitorial staff was cleaning right in front of the main doors and I didn’t want to make footprints. Using this door brought me into the cafeteria from an unusual direction, and I ended up catching an employee off-guard.

He is a heavily-built guy — about 360 pounds on a six-foot-tall frame — and he was kneeling on the floor with his face pressed against the glass of our soda vending machine, his hands limp at his sides.

Me: “Ummm, are you okay?”

Employee: “Yeaaaah.”

Me: “Uhh… Whatcha… doin’?”

Employee: “Fitness.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Employee: “I told myself that I would only get a [Sugary Tea Drink] if I could do the same number of squats as the item number.”

I look at the machine. The tea in question is item fifty-two.

Me: “Oh…”

Employee: “Yeah, it didn’t go well. I fell down.”

Me: “Do you require a medical response?”

Employee: “No.”

Me: “Can you get up?”

Employee: “I can… but I decided not to.”

Me: “Oh, uhhh… Do you want to talk about it?”

Employee: “What? Really?”

Me: “Yeah, I don’t see why not.”

This perked him up and he got to his feet. We are now going to meet up and work out together in the building fitness center after my shift and talk about weight loss and goals and things.