We’re Not Toying Around With You Here

(I am working at the customer service desk with another associate when a woman comes up with a black plastic bag, tied shut.)

Me: “Hi there. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need to do a return.”

Me: “Sure. Can I see your receipt?”

Customer: “Yes, it’s in the bag. It just doesn’t fit right. Can I trade?”

Me: “I don’t think that will be a problem.”

(She pushes the bag toward me and takes a phone call. Since there is no one waiting, I continue to process her return. I open the bag only to see an adult toy, cushioned by lacy lingerie. I wave for my coworker to come over. She looks in the bag and covers her mouth before walking away.)

Coworker: “Nope. That’s all you!”

Me: “Uh… ma’am?”

Customer: “I’m on the phone.”

Me: “I think there’s been a mistake.”

Customer: “You said I could exchange it. What’s the problem?”

Coworker: “Well, for starters, we don’t sell these…”

Customer: “Yes, you do!” *to the phone call* “I’ll have to call you back.”

(The woman puts her phone down and comes over. She dumps the bag on the counter, and her “return” rolls out and lays between us. I try to look anywhere but at the counter or the woman.)

Customer: “I’m sorry! I just left [adult toy party]! Oh, my God, I can’t believe I did that. I thought I grabbed the other bag. Oh, my God.”

(She stuffs her belongings back in the bag and practically runs from the store. When she is out of sight, my coworker and I start laughing.)

Coworker: “Didn’t she start by saying it didn’t fit?!”

Me: “That is more than I ever need to know about a person!”