Well, We Know How To Prevent These Phone Calls, Anyway

I was diagnosed with a pretty aggressive form of thyroid cancer, which shocked my doctors as I wasn’t even twenty-five at the time. My overly religious grandmother heard and called to spout nonsense — mostly about how my “lifestyle” (being a woman married to another woman) was partially to blame.

Grandmother: “If you would just marry a man like you’re supposed to, this wouldn’t have happened.”

Me: “If marrying a man prevents cancer, how come your sister was diagnosed when I was a kid? She’s married to a man. She still got cancer despite having a husband. And that friend of yours from church — she’s married, and you said she had a cancerous tumor on her lung a few years ago.”

Grandmother: “It’s not the same thing! And you should pray more! You wouldn’t have gotten sick if you would go to church and pray like me!”

Me: “So, five years ago when you got breast cancer, were you not praying or something? What about your friend? She goes to your church. Was she not praying hard enough when they diagnosed her?”

Grandmother: *Sputters* “Now listen here—”

Me: “No, I don’t think I will.”

I hung up on her and blocked her number. She gets new ones and tries to call me, but I don’t answer numbers I don’t know and block them as well. I even went so far as to change my number so she wouldn’t have it anymore.

I recently was marked cancer-free at my five-year scan. And no, I never married a man. My wife and I are still happily together.